a minor streak

Guess what? 

Yes, yes...I did the crossfit insanity both yesterday and today at lunch...so, as I count it...that's a 6 day streak.  I don't count the weekends...just the weekdays....the days I show up and do the WOD instead of chickening out. 

I know...not some sort of world record here, but I am learning something....I am not as far gone as I had thought.  I have not quit...yet...and I am not always dead last begging for it to stop. I am having some fun too.  Had some nasty lessons thrown my way the last two days as well.  That has always seemed to be my relationship with this crossfit thing. 

sigh.

Monday:

3x10 back squats

then 150 push ups.

yeah you just read that right...150 push ups.  AND there is a bonus, it isn't just the push ups...if you take a break...you have to run...up & down the gym 3 times.

So, I go to where the fabulous Faith is working and I ask what she's lifting...125...I know it's light for me, but I am hurting and in all the moving and "where do I live" sorts of things, I have lost my weight lifting shoes.  No big deal right?  Well, I have turned into an accessories whore in the gym and on the field, so when I can't find them again last night...I can feel this crap start to bubble up in me.  Am I REALLY gonna cry over a pair of shoes?  I hate myself a little right now.

So I stay light....cause I can't lift without my shoes.  

Then BJ goes over the standards for the push ups...chest to the ground, no resting on the knees or on your heals...I make a snarky remark that unfortunately BJ hears...so he comes over to where I am setting myself up to fail...and says, " you can get to the ground, just try it."  Well...I guess I had been telling myself I can't for so long I had not REALLY tried.  

Now, I am still an epic crossfit loser.....but I do finish the workout in a little over 15 minutes and damn if I didn't get my belly and boobs to the ground on every rep and just kill me for thinking the the run was a relief.  Although, that last set was the ugliest set of push ups you have ever seen in your life. Yeah, don't get too excited, they were ALL on my knees....but I was happy when I left the gym.  As I was leaving, BJ says something to me like, you can do this, you have to just keep showing up. And I say, that's what I'm trying to do...

This morning I have PT with Paul.  I have been putting it off out of fear.  On what I refer to as "the dark night," my back was injured and well, I have been avoiding Paul because his work can release all sorts of flying monkeys and such.  I was simply up front with him...told him what I could and he worked on what he could....

wanna hear the fancy diagnosis?

wanna?

"You are fucked up."

I love Paul.

Nerve damage in the hip and the entire spinal column is out of whack....and of course it is pulling my neck and my collar bone further out of place.

So, what do I decide to do this afternoon?

Yup...I hit the noon.

Superset
Bench Press 5×5
Weighted Pullups 5×3
then
8 Minute AMRAP
7 DB Thrusters @ 45/25
7 Slam Balls
7 Wall Balls
7 Pullups

I start on the bench press...and my shoulder was screaming at me. So guess what weight I do it at?  55...I try to think of it like it's just for range of motion...Sheila suggested that.  I also go down to the green band for the "weighted" pull ups.  They hurt too...I find myself siding further and further in to a really dark place and I make what I think is an innocuous comment about myself to Gilbert about how I can't even do a real pull up..still.  BJ makes a bee line for me and says, you ARE doing  real pull ups, you are all the way down at the bottom and you are going over the bar.  Yeah..but with a band....Yes Mona, but you are here, you are moving, and that's better than sitting and waiting to feel better, waiting for something to happen. I tell him I am really frustrated and angry...He says in that way of his...he understands and sometimes says the same things about himself.

I know he's right and I know that I must be a huge energy drain at the moment.

So, I do the workout...not the thrusters...BJ has me does front squats instead.  I go light with the wall balls and the slam balls I get 2 full sets in and I am short the third set by 2 pull ups. Again I feel good for having gone, having been there, but as I leave there is this absolute darkness that just washes over me. 

I sit in the parking lot and cry.  Cry for what never was.  Cry for my injured body. Cry for the life that was never real.  The level of lies and deception are completely overwhelming at the moment for me and I have come to this place of feeling a little like Alice....I want to trust...I always have wanted to trust, but now I have no idea what is real....I am a bit down this rabbit hole. I am really trying to take things moment by moment....trust what is being said to me right now. 

I have been avoiding therapy like the plague..at least traditional talky talky therapy, but when everyone around you is saying, "so what are you doing for yourself Mona," and when your PT guys says, "have you talked to anyone yet," Maybe it is time to just get some clarification....I suppose I am avoiding it, because I don't want to hear the word that I know is coming.  I am trying not to be defined by that moment, not to have that moment and the things I have learned since be woven into the fabric of the story of who I am. 

I suppose that is a futile fight isn't it?

I can't let it go if I keep pretending it isn't happening...that it didn't happen. I can't get out of this rabbit hole alone.