Back to a bar.

Ha! Yeah after last week I could have spent all weekend at the bar....but I didn't. I practiced and yesterday, went back to the gym. Chaos sorta hit me last week, I lost another actor and spent a good chunk of my days calling, begging, looking.  I quickly fell into a place of negativity when my friend Vanessa gave me a piece of advise.

"You don't have to keep telling yourself the same story..when you hear it come up in your head, acknowledge it...say to yourself...I notice I am feeling XYZ...it helps you move through it." We found some great people to read for us and cast a new guy...he jumped in with both feet last night and I am super grateful.  I am so humbled by the risks that everyone is taking....it is really beautiful to be a part of. I need to trust, trust, trust.

So, I only got to the gym twice. I did meet with BJ and he is putting me on a new program this week. He is designing something for me to tap into power...to use the strength I have built and layer on speed. I guess I will only have one day of heavy squats....I missed him yesterday at the gym, so I'll know more today.

I got to they gym at noon and it was packed....packed.....first thing we had to do? Run....kill me please. Well....I am whining, it wasn't so bad...it was short. Nice to be in the cold air too and Sarah slowed her run down and ran with my slow self. I'll tell you this...that made it much more pleasant for me! We did a bunch of new mobility stuff too. Then it was back squats.

Yippee

5 5 5 3 3 3

Supposed to start at 70% of your one rep max....work up to the last set at 90%~ my oh my I was not feeling it today. I got to lift with Hannah, she is new to Zia. She is super duper fit and strong. Über sexy too....so obviously she fit right in with all the Zia Ladies. I find myself quite intimidated by her already. I find myself doing instant comparisons..."I should look like her by now. Why can't I be built like her?" kinds of crap.

Sigh....I am not built like her, I will never look like her...and at is juuuust fine. She is interested in Scottish Games too....so I am hoping to drag her to Albuquerque for a practice this week.

So, a couple of warm up lifts. Will tells me to go light if I want to....I am struggling with math at this point and put on 225. It feels excruciatingly heavy. Then 235 and 245.

On to the sets of 3. Hannah asks if I wanna stay put...naw....load on a little more. 255....again...feels...HEAVY. 265..... Blurgh.....here is a secret for ya....please don't read if you are squeamish, at this weight....I wet my pants. No, I don't need Depends when I lift and it is not like I made a huge mess....but I bet anyone as old as me, or those of you who have had kids know what I am talking about.

Yeah...a set of 3 back squats at 265 made me pee. I am old.....

Again Hannah asks...wanna stay here? Fuck it. I just wet myself in the gym, I may as well try 275....it's probably close to 90%.....

Down up, down up, down.....finally up. I did it...and I didn't wet my pants this time.

My left knee did something funny, but it feels fine now....so who knows. I always love when I am lifting heavy and I turn around and see Will spying on me. I always look to him to make sure I got the lift, because I know he won't bullshit me.

Throwing was ok on Sunday...I am all in my head about WFD...I gotta get over that soon. The big thing though...I threw a hammer 81 feet. I guess I needed to prove to myself that the throw in Texas wasn't a fluke.

I am really working on moving from a place of confidence....I know it changes things. It doesn't mean I always get the lift or the throw or the role or whatever, but to attempt any of these things from a place of "I can." Instead of "I'll fail," shifts how I approach each of those things. And I bet it makes me more fun to be around as well.