I won't do that again....

Well, I threw some things Sunday.  I know in March and April, I had been keeping track of my practice throws and coming up with some goals....Well.....That didn't go as I had hoped. Like...not at all...so those hopes I had for November.  Well, I am letting those go....into the trash...like my form.  

I have been working on little form details, but nothing sticks once I am in the field.  Biggest disappointments? Braemar and WFD...and heavy hammer liked to kill me.  

But, as I told someone else this weekend...I was out there, so that's a win.

 

Braemar 23 1

Open 29 5

HWD 35 5

LWD 54 8

HH 59 10

LH 79 5

WOB 16

Sheaf 24

Both Height events, I stopped before I was "done" so height stuff feels pretty good.  The Achilles is rough, even today....I suppose these numbers are where I start from. I mean practice is practice, but games are different...right?  I took a HUGE fall on light weight...huge...I just stayed on my back for a while...Michelle just laughed at me because I had joked right before the throw about "how many different ways I could fall."  oooops.

One of the many things I learned this weekend is that Judging and throwing don't mix.  I mean I already knew that.  I know I cannot judge on a Saturday then throw on a Sunday. SO when one of our judges was sick this weekend, Michelle and I thought...no big deal....we can switch off.  

No.

I mean, no.

The thrower before me would throw, then I would feel Michelle taking the clip board from my hands and all I thought (nearly every time) was, "what? it's my turn...I'm not ready."  And I wasn't.

It was tough....may or may not reflect in my numbers. 

I should have just said...not biggy, I'll judge. Let go of that desire to prove something or be something I am clearly not any more...and judge.  

I really do love judging, although what ever group I get probably get sick to death of my impromptu singing and obscene jokes; peppered with reminders to drink water and reapply sunscreen.

I was thrilled that Michelle joined us, to see her tenacity and strength after the last few years of physical challenges was really nice, beautiful really.  And my dear friend Donna as well.  I wanna cry when I watch her work.  She fills my soul in a way that I have no words to describe; and I am so very grateful both of these women are in my life...There is a level of grace...grace toward themselves, that I find myself envious of....but I know it's possible by watching them fight and recover and accept and push all at once.

 As for me, I still find much more to beat myself up about than to enjoy.  I don't like that.  

A dear friend said to me today, "it's interesting to watch you beat yourself up, even over a paper clip."  When she said it, I thought...what?  Then I remembered a little more clearly what I had said about a paper clip....

a paper clip....I criticized the decision to pick it up...I made fun of myself for making the wrong choice about a paper clip.

Some time soon, I just need to let paper clip be a paper clip and put it down with no judgement about how I put the damn thing down.  My worth is not tied to the distance of my light hammer.  My worth is not tied to letting go of intense training in one part of my life. I'd rather hope that singing to the athletes I judge actually has more to do with my worth than how far I throw.