Been doing a bit more hanging out with some of my female friends over the last 5 years or so than I have probably most of the rest of my life. I am noticing something...
All the things we don't say...all the stuff we don't share about what seem to be very large parts of our lives. I mean let me say first to those of you who might read this and whom I happen to chat with often...we do chat and share some amazing shit.
Fears, goals, spiritual life, traumas and healing from said traumas....so please don't think I am dismissing all the amazing conversations I have with some pretty amazing women in my life.....but....I have noticed something missing...
Sex being the first one....like~really~talking about it. What IS it....what is it for you...what makes something amazing and what makes something blah....what feels like 'enough'? I am pretty sure this gets glossed over because of all of the cultural and religious taboos about not just sex but talking about sex. I think sometimes I THINK we talk about sex...but it seems to be super surface. And frankly, if things are awful...we REALLY don't talk about it. We may say at some point...well my ex and I never really "connected" or "it's not really that important to us" and leave it at that.
It just seems like such an important part of who we are and we kinda just hide the bad shit and give a wry smile over the good....well, maybe that is me....but it seems....like it's lots of us.
The other is about our kids....again, I have a feeling this is cultural as well. We share all their successes and the joys...but sharing the pain...oh god no....that is taboo. I think in part I have done this because I don't want my friends to think I am ungrateful or that I don't love my kids...but being frustrated or hurt by your kids doesn't mean you don't love them.
I know when kids are little, we sorta have this list of complaints..the sleep...the tantrums...the clothes left on the floor in front of the dirty clothes basket....the homework arguments....but as we all age....what is the list then? What is normal? How do we share with our friends the pain of being cut off by a child, the fear and anger in that. How do we share the fear and frustration in not knowing really who they are or maybe knowing too much or being depended on for too many things. Who are we as moms once the kids are grown...how did you negotiate that? How do you make the transition into Grandma. Was this what you imagined or dreamed about when you thought of motherhood?
The love the loss the fear the joy....all of it seems barely touched by us in fear of other's judgements perhaps...perhaps in fear of self judgement...knowing, fearing we could have been better; knowing, fearing we failed a child or a partner somehow.
What becomes ok to share with friends...how much of myself do I hide from other women I call friend? What can be gained by exposing some of this? Maybe nothing...and shit, I'm not talking about shouting it to the world; although if that works for you fucking go for it....I mean...I did write a whole show about things that I never shared with people as I was going through it (so there IS that).
I dunno....I just thought I'd throw some of this "on paper" so to speak...I have learned a couple of very interesting things from a couple of ladies recently and it just got me thinking....and it helped me turn my own issue on its side to look at it from a different direction and I have really appreciated that experience.
Maybe I am just looking for more of it....
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