A huge part of this stems from sleep deprivation. I am not talking crazy sleep deprivation, but for me getting only about 5 hours of restless~interrupted sleep in uncomfortable positions is not making my mind or my body function on any sort of level the makes me feel good. Last time I saw my doc, she warned me about this...said that the body will create funky reactions to long term lack of sleep. I have new bed time rituals and teas and meditations that she asked me to work on. There are medications she can prescribe, but neither of us wanna go there. These things work.....see I had created some fear around going to bed....
Which leads me in an odd way, to the gym this week....I have lots of things stuck in my head....y'all know about weight for distance....well certain heights for sheaf and WOB are stuck too.....and my lifting. My numbers have been stuck in my head a long time. I know I know, I haven't really felt up to pushing myself in the gym....why? Oh yeah...fear ...again....she has really taken over lately. Stopping me from all sorts of things I need to throw~lift~change.
3x3 135, 185, 225
3x1. 275, 315 dropped this one..sad face...315 again...got it. Then 335. Marz came over for this one. I dropped it...it hurt too...hit my back funny. Not only did I fail the lift, I failed at dumping the bar too. You wanna know what Marz said after I dropped the bar?
"Why did you give up on that? You went down and I saw on your face, you decided you couldn't lift it before you even tried to."
He saw that as I felt it. He saw me give up on myself. That was a hard one to hear. Damn glad he said it....but still, hard to hear.
I can feel myself giving up.....in all sorts of ways, and I absolutely HATE when I feel this way. Food, sleep, working out, learning lines, throwing goals, auditions, and bigger things that are too scary to name....
So, I go outside to play with sheaf....I think about Paul....the release stuff he challenged me to work on....I look at the bag....throw it a couple of times....trying to feel something as I throw. Then at one point, I feel myself place an assault on to the bag (yeah this is all woo-woo and wacky). Not sure how I felt about that...but, the fucking thing flew. Or at least it felt like it did....I don't have a bar, so I don't know. I can't do that every time I throw.
I also had that typical reaction...I shut down.....but then I grabbed someone else and made them throw the sheaf with me....I didn't wanna be alone at that moment. The thing is though....there was no release at all...just shut down and bottled back in.
Foot work, hammers, hang cleans.
1x1. 105. 125.
I do these with a three second pause in the hang...checking my lazy back....felt good...except....I don't go past 125...another lift that is stuck in my head....dammit.
Then I go outside to work my stone drills....the gym was packed!
Working on the damn "feeling something" again....then....the same image; incident that showed up on Monday, shows up again. This time, (woo-woo warning) I try to let the throws send the fear and the anger out of my body. I try....I suddenly get furious....I decide to keep throwing to see how it feels. I stop and I can feel myself start to cry. I really don't wanna fucking go there...it makes me even angrier that I turned on the water works....so I pick up the medicine ball and throw and throw and throw and throw....I don't take a rest between throws I just launch the ball over and over against the wall. I stopped and just tried to imagine this shit running out of my body.
I don't know what any of this is or that it makes any sense....I'm just playing with it. A friend who I have shared some of this weirdness with wisely reminded me that even if I am exploring this; to not lose who I am in this process~to not forget who I am.
After I'm done....I talk to Marz again....I confess to him that I feel like it is time to test myself again....I feel like I am not working hard enough....I feel fat, lazy, annoyed, in pain....and still afraid.
I have two games coming up, two weekends in a row....I don't feel like I really deserve to go to one of them....because I'm feeling fat, lazy, annoyed, in pain, and afraid.
Going anyway. 'Cause yea...I know...powder my ass, slap a diaper on me...waa waa waa.... :)
I wonder what weird things will show up today......and I wonder what will show up this weekend. Found out today that the women's class is huge in Flagstaff. 16. Gonna be a long day....and I am going even though I said I wouldn't go back to these games after last year, but as y'all know about me....I am always giving people second and third and tenth chances...usually to my detriment....but I promised Michelle and Sarah....and who can say no to those two? And after all, these are just games, not like some of the other crap I have put up with....