It happened in the gym again today.
What you may ask....
Mona~did you wet yourself lifting?
No, actually, not this time...
Mona~did you snap the non~sports bra you wore today to lift?
No, it held...even though I know better than to lift heavy in it.
Yes...I cried while I was lifting today.
I know...not very "swole" or "beast mode" of me huh?
It is a throwing week schedule since I ~might~ be going to a games on Friday(more on that later). Back Squats
3x3 135 a warm up set thank you very much.
225 um...felt heavy....I got out from under the bar...looked at it and I got upset. Decided to walk away, get a drink, get over myself.
245 I get under the bar...do my little wiggle ritual...up and down 3 times. doesn't feel heavy.
3x1 255~not thinking I can do much more...this time I get to the bar...and I tear up again~all that goes through my head is the 2 games I missed, the heart pounding crap that now very likely looks like stress and menopause, and I hear this voice that says, " See...you were never meant to be an athlete...you don;t have the courage to do what needs to be done. So~I get under the bar~and up & down.
285~fuck you voice, I am going up. It feels~springy.
305~Don't do it...you shouldn't be lifting this much yet...Up & down...a little slow on the up, but I get it...
I wonder if I will pay for it later.
I do a bunch of other little stuff...gets the heart going...I talk to BJ a little, tell him I am bummed that USAW has the State Meet scheduled for the 18 & 19 of May. I was hoping some of the Zia folks could come to the games...but I also wish I could be with them lifting. I say to him..."I guess it doesn't matter..I'll probably be terrible in May anyway."
"Maybe not...you don't have any expectations now...you have to let go of what you can't do Mona...focus on other things...things you can do...and let these games go. You have the rest of your life."
Let go of what I can't do? My life~at the start, the core had been defined by what I didn't do or didn't accomplish or who I wasn't...I am reminded yet again...that I have different people around me now...people who don't think that way about themselves and never think that about the people they are with....I am still sorta thick headed about this, aren't I?
The people you choose to have in your life really do inform the way you think about yourself.
As for this weekend and Iron Thistle? Guess what happened? Come on...Guess.
Yeah..I got cast in a movie. Supposed to shoot tomorrow...got moved to~ yea...Friday...in Deming.
12 hours from OKC......
What to do? Art trumps Sport this time...even though I wanna throw so bad and with the women signed up...SOOOOO badly. Because I am an ever hopeful type human being...I am packing my gear...just in case....just in case the shoot doesn't take all day. Which it will....but~well who knows.