Thursday, January 23, 2014

Thank you

Okie dokie...

Frankly? I have let stress get the better of me lately.  I know stress is real...but I acknowledge that I am the one in charge of how I react.I haven't written in a while and I swear it isn't because I am ungrateful or that I have nothing to say...I just don't know HOW to say what I'd like to say...

First things first....

Marla Diener and Plaza Builders

Y'all have pushed me into the 80%+ range.

Thank you seems such a small word....but it comes from the heart.

Thank you so very much.....all of you.  I am less than 500 away from meeting my goal for this trip.  Sometimes I still cannot imaging it happening....the trip I mean. The divorce...moving twice in 3 months...not even knowing where Genevieve & I might be living as I head into this "season" makes me stop dead in my tracks some days. I keep throwing, I keep heading to the gym, I keep working on my script, I keep going to rehearsal...some days it seems selfish, but I know that is "Old Voices"...there are newer voices telling me that staying healthy, that showing my daughter you don't quit when things get hard, that honoring who you are are not actually "selfish" choices....someone smarter than I can come up for a word for what it is...

I am not the thrower or lifter I was last year....I am surprisingly more afraid, weaker too probably.  I let myself embrace that this week when I tried to throw.  I know I have to let go of the numbers I had last year and remember WHY I started to throw. 

The joy in moving my body.  The power I was connected to....the fun. Right now...being on the field is enough...because really? It always has been enough. Do I really want to use my "performance" as another way to beat myself up as a failure? I have enough of that flying at me both internally and externally.  Why the heck would I take something that brings me joy and turn it into a weapon against myself?

For those of you who knew me before I was an athlete, yes I am still working on my art...this is just around the corner....and I have been so blessed to be able to work on this piece with Rod & Vanessa.  I know I rarely write about my artistic life.  I am not sure why.  I think I have said before that it is harder to put on paper because it is not quantifiable. Lifts and throws are numbers...yes I get emotional state plays role in how well I throw...but I can't really write about how many pages I have memorized like I do pounds I have lifted.

I mean I could:

Act 2
First 4 pages:
3x1  Reading pages only
2x1  Reading with index card covering my lines.
2x1  Going over lines with Genevieve.

hmmm....I kinda like that.

This week in the gym?

Bands are back on the weights...dammit that makes me laugh something stupid.

I added 10-25 pounds to everything.

Even my lame ass push presses.  I am back up to 85 pounds for 5x3 and my shoulder hasn't fallen apart.

Headed to the Arnold very soon...not sure how I feel....I sorta can't believe I said yes. After all, I got notice only 2 weeks after that dark I thought I would be in a place to go, I don't know.  I suppose....I saw it as an escape. 


I see my self as kinda simple minded and short sighted...but, I also kinda can't wait to see so many different kinds of competition.  Who knows...It may help fuel this slightly broken apart old lady. 

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