So...today is moving day again. Still a temporary thing, but hell what isn't?
I so appreciate the soft, safe place my sister gave me to land, it is time to move on. Vivi and I need more space...space that feels like ours.
For some reason, I put off packing....I mean I don't really have much to pack anyway. Lesson here? I lived with WAAAAY less for the last three months....less feels just dandy. Anyway....I start packing last night and I feel my breathing shift and my heart starts to race. Dammit.
So I take a step back and try something the therapist I am working with suggested. I stop and dig my feet into the ground. Just like I do when I am attempting to pick a caber. I take another breath...dig my feet toward the ground again. I stand up straight.....oh.
Something comes into focus.
The last time I "packed." Oh...I caught myself before the heart spun too fast. I was throwing my things into boxes with very little care..shoving clothes in as fast as I could. I had to do that the last time I had to "move" I don't need to do that now.
So I chose to walk away from packing and drink some tea.
Then I finished packing very little...and I did it really slowly.
Odd the things that trigger me these days. Ok though too....learning a bunch about myself. I don't have to go into an automatic flight state. I can approach fear like I do a caber. Focus, breathe, size that bastard up, give it the respect it deserves...and let it go. The fun part of this metaphor for dealing with the PTSD from that night? I didn't come up with it...the therapist did.
Let it go.
I am also grateful for silence. There has been a choice made to not speak to me anymore. I get it on so many levels. After that night, I kept trying to talk to fix to connect things to make sense of things...I kept opening myself up for painful, painful interactions(which I am sure did not help him either)....when what I really need to do was not speak anymore. I needed to stop trying to make it ok, to stop trying to make him feel better for what happened. And now in classic form...stories have been turned on their head.
I am grateful for the silence because I can focus on Vivi and I....I am grateful for the silence because I didn't deserve what happened that night....I am grateful for the silence because I realize that I am worth the peace.