odd things pop up.

So...today is moving day again.  Still a temporary thing, but hell what isn't?

I so appreciate the soft, safe place my sister gave me to land, it is time to move on.  Vivi and I need more space...space that feels like ours.

For some reason, I put off packing....I mean I don't really have much to pack anyway.  Lesson here?  I lived with WAAAAY less for the last three months....less feels just dandy.  Anyway....I start packing last night and I feel my breathing shift and my heart starts to race.  Dammit.

So I take a step back and try something the therapist I am working with suggested. I stop and dig my feet into the ground.  Just like I do when I am attempting to pick a caber.  I take another breath...dig my feet toward the ground again.  I stand up straight.....oh.

Something comes into focus.

The last time I "packed." Oh...I caught myself before the heart spun too fast. I was throwing my things into boxes with very little care..shoving clothes in as fast as I could.  I had to do that the last time I had to "move" I don't need to do that now.

 So I chose to walk away from packing and drink some tea. 

Then I finished packing very little...and I did it really slowly.

Odd the things that trigger me these days. Ok though too....learning a bunch about myself. I don't have to go into an automatic flight state.  I can approach fear like I do a caber.  Focus, breathe, size that bastard up, give it the respect it deserves...and let it go. The fun part of this metaphor for dealing with the PTSD from that night? I didn't come up with it...the therapist did. 

Let it go.

I am also grateful for silence.  There has been a choice made to not speak to me anymore.  I get it on so many levels.  After that night, I kept trying to talk to fix to connect things to make sense of things...I kept opening myself up for painful, painful interactions(which I am sure did not help him either)....when what I really need to do was not speak anymore.  I needed to stop trying to make it ok, to stop trying to make him feel better for what happened.  And now in classic form...stories have been turned on their head.

I am grateful for the silence because I can focus on Vivi and I....I am grateful for the silence because I didn't deserve what happened that night....I am grateful for the silence because I realize that I am worth the peace.