I was just gonna hit the share button, but I decided to look at the link it came from first....this is a tiny part of what I found....
"Being afraid doesn’t make you inadequate: Many of us feel embarrassed and ashamed of our fears. We’ve been conditioned to believe that fear makes us weak. “Grow up. Man up. It’s not cool to be scared. Don’t be such a cry baby.” But stored up fears never make us stronger. Quite the opposite, stored up fears break us (emotionally and physically). If you want to set a powerful example for yourself and others, give your fears a voice. Talk it out.......Let love rule: Love is greater than fear. And love is everywhere, always. Love is the glue that holds the infinite together."
I was reminded of this very thing this weekend....and someone reminded me to put a light back in my lighthouse...because I did break this weekend. Sunday morning...was....dark...I became completely engulfed. I couldn't even look in the eyes of the people around me.
Crazy huh?
I had a fun day throwing...not great throws on my part, but fun and inspiring too....lots of friends and support and new throwers pulled from the ranks of Zia....but Saturday night I had a Tachycardia event..a long one too...I sat and tried to read and that's when the fears closed in on me. I thought about reaching out for help...but it was late and I am supposed to be strong...I am supposed to hold it together...finally the heart calmed back down after about 2:30AM and I slept...but the night of fears and doubts and imagined limitations and perceived failures had consumed me to the point of barely being able to move....to this overwhelming shame...shame of being me.
Happy little blog huh?
Thankfully.....I am surrounded by love, by all of these people who love what they do, love life, thankfully like me a little too.
I allowed myself to just feel that...to accept it and what do you know....the shame, the ridiculous self hatred and fear....began to ebb. I feel like I was saved by a dear friend Sunday. Who just looked at me, but didn't press me to explain. Who called the dark by name so that I could see it for what it was. Who just helped me sit with it and reminded me that I am enough.
Crazy I still need that reminder, but I also know I am not the only one...you know because it was all over facebook....
HA HA HA....
It is time for me to just start again...
"If I'm miserable, change it. If I'm unhappy with my body, my strength, my relationships – whatever it is… CHANGE it. Quit bitching about it, and do it.
Life is short. I am meant to enjoy it while I'm here… Don’t stress about the crap I cannot control.
Life is short. Live it with a big fat smile on your face and warm the hearts of those around you.. you do not know when that smile will be the last smile they see, or the last one you give."
No shame in having to start over....as long as I keep starting over...as long I as I can begin again.
I think it is gonna be a kick as Winter....just putting that out there.
kris-carr-fears
Wow, Mona...thank you for sharing this. It brought me to tears. Dealing with my own stuff, a friend reminded me this weekend that I am a strong woman and I just need to meet this shit head-on and deal with it. Because, I am not someone who hides anymore.
ReplyDeleteAnd, you're right. The fear is what is setting my heart off at random times of night. And we are stronger than the fear. And what the fear doesn't remember or maybe doesn't know is that we have so many around us who love us for who we are - no matter what we do, no matter how many hand grenades we throw into crowded rooms. They are the ones who hold our hands during the little stuff, and they are the ones who pick us back up when life gets to be too much for us, and we need to remember that it is OK to be loved by them.
Every time I think you can't be a greater heroine, you pull shit like this and eek a little higher on the scale of greatness...I'm pretty sure you're going to hit "Valkyrie Level" or something soon... ;) Thank you for sharing. :)
Thanks you for reading my blog Monica...
ReplyDeleteLetting ourselves be loved...oh that is a task for some of us isn't it. Seems simple, or like it "should" be simple.
:)