What? Wha?

 I almost forgot...I have a blog.

HA.

Oh well, Looks like I have let this; like so many other things right now, fall away, fall apart, fall into disarray.

I guess that is all I really have to say.  I feel like so much is or has fallen away, fallen apart.  Some of it is ok....But my brain is mush.

I am constantly beating myself up for my weight gain and going to the gym feels.....pointless.

Utterly pointless.

I remember the days of setting goals for a season or an off season...I cannot imaging doing that right now.  Between the time I intentionally stepped away to focus on the show Rod and I built and the Achilles tear and the pandemic...

Yea...and any thoughts of pushing forward with the momentum on the show is gone... even getting head shots done....I have been talking about that since April? 

And now add the shame I feel about how I look...I just can't.

And yes...I am fully aware.....I am fucking lucky.

Which then wraps around and I feel even worse that I am a useless blob.....because I have no "excuses."

Happy Tuesday....ha.  Anyway, I started this blog to honestly share my experience as a midlife crisis athlete...and I suppose I am not being honest even with myself ( or my 5 readers) about how utterly shitty I feel right now.

And how utterly pointless and ridiculous I feel trying to "be an athlete" or an artist feel right now.

I did go to the gym today and felt....like a dummy.

Ha.  No really...it's all sorta funny.