MRI shenannagins

So, I went for my MRI last Monday.

I know I can be super nervous doing "medical" things, so I prepped.  I meditated and looked forward to getting and answer. Frankly after the work with Charlsey and Grace, I was looking forward to hearing how good it's looking.

So...I go change, as I am waiting there is a lovely older lady in the waiting room. She, too, is getting her left ankle scanned.

I go in....both the tech and the assistant get excited over my choice of music....all signs are looking good.

I lay down....the assistant then straps my leg down....Ugh I hate that feeling.  I ask, "it's just my ankle, so how far do I go into this tube?'

Oh not far, but we can show you....


So she hands me the head phones and I think, ok...a 20 minute meditation....I ask..."so, will he talk to me, tell me where he is in the process?"

She looks at me funny...No, that takes too much time, he has to move this along...


Um...Ok...Well, I can ask him if you really want him to..

"um, no that's ok..."

So she is standing next to me and she starts to slide me in to show me how far I will go into the tube....

As the top of the tube gets closer...as it is over my chest....

I freak out...

It is seriously an uncontrolled response...I think I yelled something like you have to stop this thing, you have to stop now....

They stop and the tech comes over and tries to calm me down as the assistant unstraps my stupid leg. He is as gentle as he can be....says that many people never even know they are claustrophobic until they have an MRI.  I say, "I'm fine now, let's try it again."

He says, nope, I could see your legs start to shake before you were all the way in, I will never get a clear image....

UGH.

The word Ninny comes to mind....I fell like a little kid again, about to be screamed at and spanked for being afraid of the dark....The tech doesn't of course....he just says lots of people need sedation....and even for some mild sedation doesn't work.

REALLY?

Kill me now. 

I DON'T WANT SEDATION.


I just want for a moment to be a normal fucking person who isn't panicky. 


This right here is why I laugh when people have tried to label me a bad ass or strong or whatever....

A big fat ninny is what I really am...

Or....I am just a person, for whom panic and anxiety can get triggered....

SIGH.

So now I am waiting to see if they can transfer the order to ABQ so I can have an open MRI..'cause I am betting a little mild sedation is NOT going to work.

And frankly..I almost don't care to know how bad the Achilles is anymore...I mean I do....but I don't.


I will see what happens this weekend in Phoenix....I suspect I will know pretty quickly if this thing is healing or if I have to get knocked out for this damn MRI.   I can't imagine going back to get the one on my neck now....

I really did feel ready, I really did try to stay excited and positive...I looked forward to the long meditation....Hell, it would not have been nearly as long as the awake part of the dang heart surgery I had.