Worked out the last two days...lamely, but I am there...moving. Frankly, as nervous as I was yesterday working out without the Beta Blockers, it is so much easier to workout~without them.
Today, I did the strength portion, then worked some throwing drills. Trying to get back on schedule.
I feel so slow...so chubby...so...ugh, but I am cutting myself as much slack as I can. I am moving...I am also not wiped out and headachy all the damn time. Yippie!
Ok...some weird stuff today.
I saw someone who does hypnotherapy recently at the behest of a dear friend. In her wise estimation, I am still holding on to a bit of anger...which of course makes me laugh, Me? Get angry? oh..yeah...that's the point.
Sorta afraid of my anger too, if it gets expressed it may never stop....perhaps I would have a complete melt down.....complete and total....core melting sort of thing. So...Yeah.
Working with my friend Rick....he pointed out to me that when I talk about my anger, both at others and mostly at myself...that I laugh and I also cover my mouth. This of course made me laugh more. Then I dropped into whatever place that is when you do this sort of work. I was surprised, I mean I wanted this, needed this release, but I expected, oh, tearing of hair, things flying, loud something or another...and the imagery that floated in my brain was quiet, peaceful, release.
Not surprising, I saw an owl, her wing wrapping the anger up until it disappeared.
That was it.
The next morning I was thinking about something Rick had said to me, that I am still approaching difficult situations and people with an open heart...and I am still surprised when my heart gets broken over and over again. I am the one who is letting this happen...my responsibility. So, it is my responsibility to close my heart.
That thought hurt a little..then, thankfully, I remembered this little gem from Danielle LaPorte,
“Keep your heart open, as wide open as you possibly can. Keep it so
soft. Let it be tender. FEEL EVERYTHING. Feel your feelings, share your
feelings. Keep your heart gentle, gentle, open, open.
And then… put a big fucking fence around it. Make it tall and make
it strong. Ask your angels to guard the gate for you at all times. Do
not let anybody past your gate unless their own heart is open and
gentle. Only let in people who are respectful, kind, interested and
loving. Emphasis on respectful, kind, interested and loving.”
That fence? That keeps my heart from growing hard...cynical....angry.