I know, I know

Some one who loves me boat loads chided me for the fact that I haven't written in a while....

Um, yeah...what the hell is there to write about after the hospital?

I move slow, I hardly go to the gym, when I do I am kinda afraid.

I am a ninny.

Can't get my meds straight....gotta see another heart doc next monday.  They are recommending surgery this time around.

Depressing.

and gross.

Oh I could have written about how I cried at the gym last friday cause I only deadlifted 125.  Got all wound up about,"who am I if I can't lift heavy."

Um Duh...I am still me...lifting heavy is just something I do and perhaps it will turn in to something it did once.

THAT'S Exciting to read.

The dude I saw up here wants me off the beta blockers.  He said, well ya can't really be an athlete on those things, they will slow you down.  Heck yeah....he did say too, that from the echo, there is nothing structurally wrong and it looks like there is no heart disease.

The surgery sounds weird and gross...and you are awake for it...and they fuck with your heart while they are in there to make it go crazy so they can shut down the right pieces of it.

um...ew...and scary.

Then I had all the metaphysical stuff coming at me too. So many years with a broken heart finally manifested into a broken heart....someone else suggested that my heart is cracking open to let love in again....all sorts of things to ponder, but ultimately, they saw something on the EKG that says there is an electrical storm in my ticker.

So, what to do?

Live with it...

Tricks and emergency pills to calm it down as needed....but it can become more frequent.

Surgery....ablation, not a crack you open event, a slide a catheter type thing.

I get to talk to my PCP the day after I talk to the second cardiologist.  I am happy about that.  There may be other things that the cardiologists are over looking. You know, if you ask a surgeon if you need surgery.....

I told BJ I was kinda depressed...there always seems to be something happening to this body of mine and surgery seems, ugh, for lack of a better term.  He said...why? at least now you have a possible diagnosis and potential treatment.  That's good news.

yup.

I guess it is.

Thanks BJ.


Know you understand why I am not writing?  But it does sorta feel good to get it off my chest (lol).