Monday, April 14, 2014

lessons from the range

Finally went shooting this weekend.

Calibers in Albuquerque.

I had been looking forward to this for a while.  I don't like the fear that I have been feeling about the idea of the ex having a bunch of weapons after what happened. I was also told by plenty of people, mostly women, that it is a great stress reliever and made them feel powerful.  I know it is not a cure-all, but I was willing to give it a try.

Walking into the place, we had to wait for a lane so I spent some time looking at what they had for sale, blah blah blah. Signed all the paperwork, put on the ear protection...yadda yadda yadda.

Honestly, I was almost immediately overwhelmed.

The impact in my chest from the sound was a terrible feeling.  I was almost immediately sent back to that night 6 months ago.  The deep heavy pops made me feel like I was cowering in the corner.  The tinny sound of the spent rounds reminded me of the ridiculous attempt to wrestle a gun away from a drunk 350 pound angry man.

I was jumpy...shaking...

then it was my turn.  ( I have no idea what the actual gun was that I used...)

Grant loaded the clip for me...showed me how to hold it...and backed away.

I don't know how long I stood there...trying to put my hand on this weapon....I know most of you will think me ridiculous.  But I was shaking.  I finally got my hand under was lighter than I imagined.  Wrapped my left hand around my right and tried to raise the thing to shoot.  I did pull the trigger.  The darkness of the sound now came from my hand.  The round clanked to my feet.  I held the gun still....pulled 'til the clip was empty.  Not sure where I shot because I was crying as I shot.

Not for me, not all about fear, but I understod later on the drive home, that I was angry.

Every single person on that range knows the power of that weapon...the ex understands that weapon.  It is not something he ever intended on turning on me that night. Actually, he never intended on turning it on himself that night either as he had threatened. Or any of the other times he threatened to get his gun and shoot himself~because this was NOT the first time he had done that.  He was not really threatening himself... as I have always said, he never took the gun from the case. Instead he used this as a way to control me, to terrify me with the possibility of what he could do with it.  The worst thing he did that night was threaten to walk out to meet the cops with gun in hand so THEY would kill him...and he didn't mean that either.

He played games with this?  I understood why I was nervous about all these people with guns at the recent experience has taught me if I a misplaced word, look, or tone of voice he could bring this out as an option.

I was mad, I felt stupid, I felt used, I felt weak.

Then it was my turn again. I felt terrible for Grant...I could see by the look on his face that he thought this was a huge mistake.

But, I picked it up again....emptied the clip.  He kept his hand on my back as I took the first few shots. Upset; yes, no tears that time.

 I didn't tell Grant, but as we left Calibers...I went in the bathroom and puked.


How's that for the image of me as a strong bad ass momma thrower actor whatever?

Will I do it again?  I think I have to.  I do not want to be at the range though, it was too overwhelming, too noisy, there were too many rules.  I need to load the gun myself, I need to hear the instructions that Grant gave me. I need to learn this thing...I need, no I want, to be like those other people I saw shooting that day.  Calm, confident, clear in the knowlegde that this is NOT a game or a way to control people.   

And yeah~I'm a shitty shot.

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