First of a few....

GRRRL 2019.

This might be the first of a few that I write about this weekend...but I knew I had to get something down before I chose not to write at all.

I started this the first day, but there really was no time for me to write....which was perfect...

I had to just BE THERE. I’m not a fucking court reporter and it would have been a way for me to disconnect.

First night. First half of first day.  

 Tell ya.  I am not used to this level of energy. 

I know I’m usually a spaz. But this is a whole other level. I did bail early from the meet and greet. Was in Bed by 9. Ha. 

Did yoga in the am.  Heard this phrase: You are a special edition. 

Love that. 

Found myself trying not to cry too. Can’t explain that one. 

Even at the meet and greet.  I was fighting tears at every turn. 

I think there were two things at play for me.  

First.....my epic level of discomfort. And the driving desire to NOT feel discomfort....that “why can’t I just do this, experience this, exists without freaking feeling like I don’t belong.”

Second thing...the energy. I could feel this pulsing in the room....the main ballroom as people filed in.  Even though no one really knew what was coming, there was this feeling of belonging, this energetic knowing of hundreds of women that were here for very similar reasons, even if they all could not articulate what that was.  I know I couldn’t. 

There is this interesting thing in shared experience, shared spaces...that is what all those mega churches count on after all....but this wasn’t to control people.  This wasn’t to tell people what to believe or how to behave.  It might have looked like that perhaps, with all of the messages of self love and the #iamenough images....but no....this was about personal choices....this was about vulnerability....accountability....about the gift of the individual voice.  Odd in a large gathering but true.  

I digress....there was this power I felt that pushed an understanding. I mean really....many of the ideas, the messages are things I have heard before, things I have been told....but being in a sea of women who are receiving it at the same time, with their fears and vulnerabilities exposed brought power and dare I say love to the messages that allowed them to sink past my skin, past my walls, past my feelings of unworthiness. 

That’s the power of a conference like this....

That’s the power of women....