Wednesday, November 4, 2015


I think I probably have an internal image of myself that is pretty standard....I walk through my life feeling like I am about an average sized average sized woman... I struggle with feeling fat and unattractive, like many women; but because I lift and throw and do weird things in the gym, sometimes I feel strong and rarer, powerful.

Then I  looked at some photos, always a tricky proposition for me, wedding photos...and I know how I FELT that day and mostly it is reflected in the photos...really.

Then I saw a group photo...

oh....yeah....I am pretty big aren't I?

I guess I am larger than most of the women I throw or work out with..and lots of the men too...

Why has it taken me so long to discover this....and it isn't just my' I am tall and heck, I am broad too.

Then I went to target....same day I looked at this photo.

Cashier:  Did you find everything Sir.

Me:        Ha...yeah....

Cashier:  Oh..Oh, I, well...You are really beautiful.

Me:    Not really, it's ok...I get it, I'm big and you just glanced at me.

Cashier:  No No, you are really pretty...

Me:  ............thanks.........(thinking:for a dude dressed in sweat pants)

Pretty?  no....funny that he felt the need to find a way to compliment me...I know it is awkward when you mistake the gender of someone you are talking to, but I get it...I get what I look like...sorta...I guess I am trying to...I looked at this guy and realized that I was nearly a head taller than him....I looked around the parking lot....I'm not super tall...but I am big.  I felt kinda weird the rest of the day. 

Wonder what I should do with this?  get bigger? try to get smaller?   HA....I just need to keep walking through the world taking up the space that I take up....At almost 50...I guess I should have figured this out already...perhaps it is one of those "life long lessons" that I will work on. challenges...the 21 day thing went well...lost a little pudginess....decided for all these holidays...that I will do a 3 week on; 1 week off..... Been struggling with working out still....had some heavy heart stuff show up again.  Funny racing-fluttery stuff that disappears quickly, but makes me feel queasy and lingers too long through the day.  Probably in my head or not...

Working on cleans and bench press....details details.

Been thinking goals...I'd like to get 200 on both of the damn lifts....

and I'd like my heart to settle down.

I'll post some photos soon that Katie Hughes took...sigh.  Here is one: son is taller than me!  wheeeee.....


  1. That really is a head scratcher. Why is it that we never love ourselves as much as others do? Why do people around us see our worth, but we dont? I love ya girl. I see you for all the greatness you hold inside and out. -oh, and you are powerful. remember when you were squating with Gilbert & I and we had to add 45lb plates on each side for you after our sets. bad ass and beautiful.

  2. I've been trying to stay off the grid so I'm catching up on your writing. I think you're magnificent! If I had your height I'd be storming castles JUST LIKE YOU!!! It's true we're the most critical of ourselves, but then we can be reminded by friends to see ourselves through THEIR eyes.

    aloha friend. My MAGNIFICENT friend!