behind again...

So last week I showed up at Praxis, 'cause I was too lazy to get up at 4 to go work out.

I got on the rower to warm up...there are no rowers at the new place and I like rowing....set it for 1000 meters.  I felt good as I started and I decided to try to keep the pace.

4:16

What what?  My best time ever was 4:14...I was thrilled and you know what? Not  so out of breath, not a long time to move on to other things.

Pretty cool.

The 5 AM work out is getting harder to do....I think I need a swift kick in the ass or perhaps a refocusing period.  Think about what I am doing and what I really want.  Perhaps it has changed.

I did a 30 day gratitude thing on Facebook.  I pushed it to 50..I really struggled sometimes...and those were the days that did me the most good.  To shut off my brain and just breath and let all the good things come to me. I will keep posting them, especially on my rougher days.

next experiment?

Ok....I have a new experiment for the next few weeks.

To look at myself in the mirror.

To see myself instead to hiding. I am afraid that this may turn into the perfect storm of self loathing....but I need to stop avoiding my body.

I read this super infuriating article yesterday...here is a piece....

3 Tips to Think Like an Athlete

Here are my top three tips for thinking like an athlete and learning to love your body:

1. Set clear, achievable, performance-based goals. Smash them and then set new ones! Instead of setting weight-loss goals, which are so arbitrary and mostly meaningless, try setting performance-based goals you know you can achieve. Be specific. Run a 9-minute mile. Or squat 100 pounds. Start tracking your performance instead of your weight and your confidence will grow along with your fitness!
2. Don’t compare yourself to others. The best athletes work on what makes them unique rather than trying to emulate others. Focus on your strengths, work to improve your weaknesses and celebrate your personal progress. Now that’s fitspiration!
3. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Fitness is a process. There is no end date or final goal, and there is no such thing as perfection. Take days off. Eat cake without guilt. Enjoy yourself!

All I could think after I read it? Fuck you.  Sorry....

Just another place where I see "it's so simple" and it makes me feel like even more of a fuck up.  I can't even do these "simple" steps...I mean, there are only 3!!

Fuck that....I am an athlete...a pretty dang good one last year and at the start of this year...and still I struggle with body image....doesn't matter that I DO make goals and sometimes even smash them...I see photos of some of these things and all I see is a body I am in constant battle with...Still.....so 3 steps?  I call bull shit on this one.

Hence, the mirror experiment....I hoping that actually seeing myself, will help me be kinder to myself...I do love what my body can do...I really do...I just need to learn to love the outward expression of the work I do that makes me look like I do....and perhaps I might also treat myself a little better...

If you hear wailing....that's me, looking in a mirror for the first couple of days.