Gym experiment

 So after Worlds...in November, I needed a break.  I needed something different. 

As you know I opted to give a 30 day yoga thing a shot.  Again, not 30 in a row, but 30 days.  I also started looking at new gyms.  

I know I know I always long for the days of nooners at Praxis.  I know it was a unicorn and I have finally finally come to understand just how lucky I was at a place and with people that just clicked, that pushed and supported.

Ok, that's done...that's ok!  

So the question becomes now, what do I want? What am I looking for? 

The gym I am at, IronSoul, is a great place....great equipment..but it isn't really a good fit.  I am not looking for a place that is so social that you don't get work done, but you know, for meeeeee.....coming in and seeing the same people for months and months and trying to make eye contact and finally after 18 months getting a head nod....was making me ...well....sad? Then throw in the pandemic....and a lot of the people who did acknowledge one another....some of the lady gym crushes moved on.... :)  ANd the freaking commute....I know, I am aware that I know people who drive from Santa Fe to ABQ to go to a gym they love...but that's part of the point isn't it...they love that gym, they fit...

I was also struggling a bit with remote coaching....again....great stuff...great support....but...was I really doing anything correctly....was I really even pushing myself...I was finding reasons to not go.....

So I started looking....there are some good "box" gyms out there...and I thought I might wait to see about the Defined that is supposed to open by the house....but WHEN IS IT OPENING??

So Kyle, one of the body workers I go to, told me he was checking out a new gym, so I thought what the hell....he description made me think it might be worth looking at.  So at the end of November I made an appointment to check it out...It's not Crossfit, but it's not, not CrossfitISH.  They have 3 different levels of training...single, pairs, and something they call "squads".  The squads are basicly small group training with folks that have similar goals.

I will admit...I walked in defensive...walking into a new gym in a larger body kinds of armor...and they paired me with a trainer for an "assessment" UGH...but interestingly it was mostly a mobility assessment...There is a three month commitment to start...so I am about half way through...

The first month, I was on this high rep cardio killer shit that made me laugh.  But working with the trainer they gave me was kinda cool...I was up front right away, Dude...I cannot afford the one on one for three months...and they said fine...we can work together a month, see where you are and find a "squad."  

The first one on one we had was interesting...I mean like slow down please...I gotta constantly catch my breath...I was getting super frustrated with  myself, but whatta gonna do...I just kept moving.  Then as he was walking me through their lifting areas, "showing" me lifts and watching me lift for the first time, he said something to me.

"hmmm, You are really capable."

Not said with shock or surprise.  No superlatives like "bad ass" which honestly has always fallen flat on my ear, my body...

Capable.

I really liked that...and after that first month...I felt better about my conditioning and he wanted to move me back into lifting.  I was a little like...maybe I should stay put...but I am in the second week of his programming...I told him he is evil for having front squats and deads the same day...but...I may have him add another day that is just the annoying conditioning....

The last private session we had...I asked if they had found a "squad" for me.

 

Him: No.

Me: Oh.....

Him: No one here is really doing what you do.

Me: Oh....

Him: Don't worry about the pricing though.

Me: Ok...but that's not really...

Him: We all talked about it (the other trainers) and we are hoping we can eventually guide some people toward the kind of lifting and strength training you are doing. To form a squad around you instead of fitting you into one that isn't what you need.

Me: Oh...ok...

So there it is....not sure I fit here either, or that I will stay.  I mean I have actually spoken to some folks here....like people I see at the same time of day...like, a women came up to me after like a week just to say hi....and shit people look you in the eye...and I am sorta the outlier walking in with head phones. And I joked with a friend that it sorta feels like walking into a LuLuLemon showroom...I am definitely the fat kid in this place...  😏

Anyhoooo.....they have a cool mobility class I can take for free as well, which is nice...and it looks like they plan outings once in a while too~I saw a snowshoeing thing they offered recently.

I have about 6 more weeks to decide...

It really isn't so cut and dry this time...it isn't like I walk in and say "this is it." I wish it were...and I miss working out in the mornings with Grant...but he and I need different things...and oh...it is much closer to the house as well....

Six more weeks...and a game on the horizon....oh and can you imaging...I am doing another 30 day yoga thing....more on that later.

Worlds?

 So there was this comp in early November....the Master's World Championship or something...

I thought I was gonna blog about it while I was there...when I got home....The week after I got home.....

Well, here I am almost two months later....

Um...there was a game.  I threw.  I came home?

Stinking memory.

No seriously, what I remember most from the game?  The first morning at the Air B&B.  Laura, Chris, and Angela didn't get in til like 3 AM or something crazy...and when they came over to our part of the air B&B....(it was two separate houses on the same property) we had breakfast and chatted...um...all of a sudden, I looked at the clock and it was like 2pm. 

We only left the place to throw and on the last day for dinner...we chatted....and chatted and played cards against humanity.  It was great.

I did have some weird stuff happen.....I was a bundle of nerves especially the second day.  I had a really good first day, which made me absolutely convinced that I would foul out on all three throws on both stone and Weights and blow my lead.  Such a great brain....

The thing that I WAS happy with?  I went into this game knowing where I am with regard to distances, so the goal was to focus on form.  Form, Form, Form.

I felt good about that. I really really did. 

So, that is something I can build upon.

Beyond that?  I cannot express what it was like to see some of these folks again.  

Joy....just fucking joy.

 

None of the details matter...none of the numbers....just the joy.

 

And if you were there...thank you....and dang, that awards ceremony was....NUTS.

Challenges

 I have been having the same conversation with folks lately.....

Challenges...not personal challenges, more about like "health" challenges.  Now anyone who has stuck with me for a while knows that I used to LOVE LOVE LOVE a challenge....the Whole 30 being my most frequent challenge that I used to jump into.  I always thought it was about a reset or something.

Over time, I realized that all the Whole 30 reset for me was an unhealthy relationship with food and yet another way to hate myself.

But, that's just me....I mean....if someone else can do that in a health way...go for it.  I can't.

After this little revelation about myself...I got to thinking about all the other challenges I have taken part in since starting this fitness journey of mine over 10 years ago. Especially given the context of how I as thinking of my "off season" training this year...

And you know what?  

None of these...not one...not fitness, not a plank challenge, paleo, intermittent fasting, meditation, yoga, no booze, not one of these has actually changed a fucking thing.  They have all just stirred up unhealthy competitive , "oh fuck if I can't do this I am a failure" kinds of behavior in me. 

So many people I know love this stuff....and it "works" for them...it shifts something...I know I have written before about that 3 weeks to a new habit crap too, and they seem related to me.  I cannot put my finger on how...but they are.

Then I was chatting with my friend Grace about it...and she said something that hit me in a different way.  "These people who push or create all these food challenges have never struggled, they have never struggle to eat or to survive. They have to create their own suffering since they have never really experienced it."

Well, fuck me running.

I'll just leave that thought there...

So, how does this shift my off season thinking?  I had decided to "do yoga" and trust me, there are like 40 billion yoga challenges out there...and yes, I found a 30 day yoga thing on YouTube from a yoga instructor that Emery follows. But....I am not doing it in 30 days...I mean I might...but after the work I did with the nutrition coach Moriah, I decided to listen....really listen to how I feel and listen to what my body is telling me it needs right now.  

Turns out, I am doing it like 5 or 6 days each week so far...frustrating as it may be at time.  I do it when I feel I need it.  

I have also taken a break from training...like lifting...I haven't lifted shit since a week before Worlds...

Don't see me doing it again for a while...maybe a month? Maybe more? Or less?  

No, I am not sitting still, I am just doing something I feel like my body needs right now. 

I also keep meaning to write about worlds too....and I have some thoughts about freakin' yoga too...maybe in a couple of days...

letting that shit go.

I posted this on Facebook a while ago... from Sarah Robles:

 

 

Fat people don’t need to perform “health and fitness” to prove to you they’re worthy of respect and human decency.

******************

I find it fascinating that an an elite athlete, sometimes I get a free pass on some prejudices because I’m being a “good fatty.” People know I workout all the time and that I’m conscious of my diet and other perceived health markers. Basically, I’m not like OTHER fat people. However, those biases you have about fat people are what people who don’t know me automatically have about me. I’m not excluded from being a fat person. It’s an interesting dichotomy to be both a world-class athlete and also part of this “obesity epidemic.”

I get told I’m promoting obesity and that fat people like me are bad for society and the health care system and all that. Then I get messages from people saying they just got into the gym for the first time or signed up for a competition because I inspired them in someway.

Anyway, listen to the way your friends and family talk. Check out the content they like and share . It might be a valuable opportunity to see who really loves you and it might be a good opportunity to educate them on how to think about and treat other human beings.

I was super happy she posted this, it was a good reminder for me, living in a large body to be careful to whom I give my time and energy.

It happens rarely in this crazy sport I am in, but there are those folks out there....oh yes.  

I've had the back handed compliment...the admission that someone assumed I was lazy because I was fat...I've had the you should probably focus on cardio conversation as well...I had the oh god you look so much better having lost weight conversation with someone, when I was trying to tell them I felt weak...but you know, lighter is better...most recently....my favorite one to date really....someone looked me straight in the face and said...well, the light weights are the REAL badasses.

Okie dokie.

I mean, yes there are amazing light weight athletes....A-MAZ-ING.  And you know why they are amazing? The work they put in...the talent and the WORK they put in, not what they weigh.

In the moment and for a period of time; I was truly hurt by this person's words...truly hurt. I felt demeaned, dismissed, like they were judging me...and well, they were judging me.  BUT....I realized later, that this wasn't about me...this was them..their own internalized fat phobia and self judgement.

So...there it is.  I don't have to internalize this.  Hard not to, given how large bodies are viewed, blamed, criticized for even existing....funny how we can see someone with a slender frame and say, "they are naturally thin"....but the same is not afforded to the other....

I have struggled hard to "get lean" and at no point did I ever actually feel good or nourished.  I felt slightly crazed every single time...counting every last everything....restricting til I felt crazy....headaches, belly aches, kidney function problems.

I'll just keep moving at this point....and my fat ass will enjoy that cookie, thank you very much....and I'll enjoy throwing in this large body thank you very much...and I will perhaps, sometimes, even feel like a bad ass....

A big, goofy, slightly inappropriate, badass.

 

Peace

 You ever get into a disagreement with someone and one of the things they say to you is, “Fine, I’ll go away and leave you in peace.”

I’m guessing yes. Perhaps you’ve even said it to someone. I’m pretty sure I have too at some point. 

Well, this was said to me recently with all the vitriol as that phrase always brings. Instead of pushing back or quickly saying something that may feel like defending myself with a “no no that’s not what I mean” sort of thing. I heard it. 

“Leave you in peace”

What was meant by that?

Oh….

You know….you know that either your presence in my life or the actions you take or the words you use with me….are disturbing, upsetting to me, are “warring” words or actions. 

You know…and yet you threaten with peace…and I’m expected to beg you to stay to harm me further…..hmmmmm. I’ve never though of it this way before. 

Maybe none of this is conscience thought, maybe it’s a phrase we use carelessly when in conflict.

Return question, why don’t I deserve peace?  

I do actually, deserve peace; so in that thought, so do you. 

So, I will do my best going forward, to think, “ will this action or will my words create peace or continue to fan the flames of conflict.”

Might not be easy if I’m honest with myself….but now that I’ve heard this differently, I will work at receiving it differently.