look around....

 These are thoughts that are a little late in being put down into anything that may be comprehensible...

Just as a warning....it's likely to be compete word salad.  Well, I won't use the word "bigly" so you'll be spared THAT level of salad....

Anywhooooo, way back in June, before the Rio Grande games, there was a small group of us gathered on our back porch the evening before the games...and we were chatting about training, training as we age, goals, body image struggles that STILL haunt us as we slide WAY past middle age...and I mentioned something about not being strong...

Sarah, laughed at me...I laughed at myself and we (maybe me) realized that some of this comes from who we see...who we are around.  I was reminded of what my friend Chris said to Grace once after some dude came up to her asking about training or some such thing...and ( forgive me for the murder of the story ) when he left, Chris said something to Grace like why would he ask me....I'm just a normal sized old lady...or NSOL for those in the know.

I am around all these amazingly strong women doing amazingly strong things and I am still in a place that I look at my body's outward expression and judge myself extremely harshly for not looking a certain way...this certain muscly way...and I actively discount my strength. I am also still working on healing some old old shit in regard to disordered eating...and frankly, most of us were trained in the horrid art of comparison...

I often forget that the people I know are about as far from "typical" middle aged women as you can get...and I often fucking forget that I am in my mid 50's....comparing myself to women much younger or even comparing myself to my 40 year old self; which is frankly...useless...

It is great to have these sort of moments to learn from...to have these women in my life....to move forward and take i;  in a deeper way, that yet again, it doesn't matter what anyone else is doing..it is about what I am doing, or since you are reading this..what YOU are doing....right now...not 10 or 20 years ago, but right now. To remind myself that I didn't enjoy exercise at all until, oh, 10-12 years ago.

Remembering too, something a coach told me early early on..."be grateful you can move Mona." 

Given some of my physical issues, I know that at some point I may not be able to do...well...lots down the road.  

So, I'll just bumble along, part of the NSOL club....working on healing my relationship with food, with my body, with injuries, with insecurities; all the while reminding myself I am not anyone else and I am not alone...

 Normal Sized Old Ladies indeed....Love you guys.

 

Crazy Click in my head

 So....I have been feeling really weird lately.  I have let the blog fall off again which is a shame, because I just got to do some cool shit this summer...

Um Norway and Poland....

Anyway.  Back to the click in my head.  As you know I am surrounded by lots of amazing athletes and yeah yeah, I still struggle with that label for myself, but who needs labels anyway.  Ok, back to the point...I was in the gym a while back, doing rack pulls. My coach had me doing them for a few months and I had a funny thing happen as I was working on them.  I kept hearing a voice...(ah ya loud bastard voice) keep saying,

 

V:  yea, whatever they are just rack pulls, not a real lift.

Me: it's still work.

V: yea, whatever, you should lift more.

Me: I am lifting a lot.

V: Yea, whatever, you are only lifting a lot 'cause you are FAT.

 

Ok....why am I doing this to myself...I know some of it is being surrounded by lots of amazing athletes...and the fact that I am seeing lots of people I know again jump back into the lovely world of crazy diet culture that I am still trying to work my way through...Making this clear...MY ISSUE....not anyone else...people feel they need to eat 500 calories a day is not my issue, truly...but because of 50 years of diets and yo yo crap...I see it and still go to the "oh I should do that for a while" thing.

Again, let me make this clear...that is MY PROBLEM...you wanna do 500 calories a day that's is your choice.

Anyway....back to the point....what was the fucking click in my head...back to the rack pulls...

 

After the "voice" says you are only lifting a lot 'cause you are FAT...I finished a set at 420...and I sat on the ground near the bar and a different, quiet voice says,

 

v: yea, you are fat...but Mona, fat doesn't lift this weight....being fat does not erase your strength....being fat isn't the reason you can lift heavy or throw far....please stop telling yourself that.

 

Oh.

 

Training, power, strength, speed.....that's what moves the weights...

 

Yea, I am fat....stop trying to erase me.   (ME)

Thanks for listening to my rambles....my attempt at healing....

Class & Performance and what the heck comes now?

 Well....I have a game this weekend in Oklahoma...and that is dumb.

Mona...why dumb you ask....well, did I think about how much time I could really spend "training" while focusing on an acting class that culminated in a performance. 

No...no I failed to think that shit through.  

Now throw in the fires and the wind and I have not touched an implement in, oh 3 weeks...yea, the back yard is seriously sand and I had no intention to throw in the wind with that shit....nor am I willing to throw in the wind and the smoke either....

I know, there was no way to predict THAT shitty development.....but the acting shit....I should have thought that through.

Oh well, just like for worlds, I am choosing a focus for this game...for worlds it was "focus on form" for this game... it's gonna be.....

"accept where you are"

Probably something I should be doing all the damn time, ammiright?

As for the class and the performances....holy shitzzzz.  What did I learn?

Well, bottom line.  I am an actor.  Really.

I know you are thinking...yea, you keep doing this why wouldn't you be?  But the last few....I don't know how long....I don't feel that way.  I mean, I had not been in a play since 2017....and I cannot get cast with all this remote stuff....NOT AT ALL.  So yea.

But I had a moment in class when Scott and I were working that we wrapped up and I had the thought..."this is what I am supposed to be doing....this is the gift I was given."

Weird to hear that little voice actually be a positive thought..😁  

So why have I always been driven to keep doing the work, yet never thought I was enough in the work...Short list here:

1. In college I was told once, "you might be good enough to get cast in a soap opera as the secondary bitch."  I let that stick to me.

2. Grad school there were many, but the two that I let stick were...I was encouraged to go to the MA program instead of the MFA program because...hmmmm reasons...(they did not believe in me) and the other was in front of the entire MFA program of actors, another actor finished her scene and I was singled out for this little comment, " See Mona, that's it right there, that's what you don't have.  She will be on stage at the Goodman and you would be lucky to sweep the stage at the Goodman."  Holy shizzz WHY DID I STAY?

3. I was with someone for a very long time who would see a show I was in and rank it on a scale on 1-10....no discussion...and I never got more than a 5...and I believed him.  Then as his work shifted in to the "business" I was reminded constantly that I was not "film" worthy.  I let those stick too...

Therapy has been amazing lately.....It really has been.

So, accept where I am...and....keep moving....keep moving forward.

What comes next?  I dunno....perhaps the simple task of working toward my potential....fully reaching toward my potential, both as an artist and an athlete...just trust and work to see what comes, to see what I can do and what I can give.

Binge shows

 So, I love my British competition binge shows.  You know, the Great British Baking show and now the great Pottery show or whatever it is called.  

A while back on Netflix, we started watching a non competition show...British and bingey yes, but not a competition.

 If you haven't seen it, it is a "shop" with all sorts of people with super specialized skills.

I have learned some cool things and I really love watching all these folks working on all these broken and worn out treasures.  There is a clock specialist, stuffed animal specialists, ceramics, a woman who restores paintings....all kinds of things.

The Repair Shop

 

There are some amazing things that are brought into this place. If you haven't watched and like any sort of arty crafty shit...I highly recommend it.

The last time we watched an episode, there was a cool gravity clock they they were fixing. At the end of the episode the owner comes in and brings his granddaughter with him.  The clock will be hers when he is gone.  She is all of maybe 10 or 11 years old and just has this super clear understanding of why it is so important, why it isn't a throw away.  There was also a belt that a young man brought in that I think had been a great grandparent's whom he had never met. Again...the care and concern for the history, for the why was forefront in this young man's mind.

Now, I get it, it isn't lost on me that these folks come from places of privilege...Their families HAD things to pass on...they have the money to both keep them and have them fixed. That being said, I found myself extraordinarily sad after the last episode I watched.  Being a second generation immigrant who had a grandmother who literally would be called an "illegal" by today's standards (she was rejected for unknown to me reasons and snuck into the country)...I have nothing of anyone's to hand down. I also realize that is happening right now for families all over the world as well, but it just so happened to hit me while watching this show.  I have nothing to pass down or share with the kids...throw in the fact that I never met any of my grandparents and yea...I felt sad and yes, I probably teared up.  I don't even really have stories because these were the days of when you asked where we were "from" we got a lecture about how it "doesn't matter."  It also meant that the one great auntie who was known for her fantastic pirogi...well she chose to take that shit to the grave.

What's my point here....I have no idea.  I guess I just wanted to share.

Story time...

 Story/confession time.

Back in December, I had my first one on one training session with the new coach.  Not the freebie ~sample ~come the first time and see what you want session, but my first one on one.  Well, honestly, it may have been the second one, regardless....it was super new. I was brand new to this coach...

So, I do remember it was a Saturday, 7am.  Early for a weekend, so there were very few people in the gym...well, I get my fat ass on the ground and start the warm up...I have one of those classic moments...we have all had them, where I am on the ground, on my back and I thrust my legs up and out to get myself to a seated position.  Well, be honest, we all know what can happen in this moment right?

Pfffft....

Oh Lordy....I fart and not quietly.

Yup...ok, what to do...the music isn't loud enough to have covered it, there are not enough people in the gym for it to have possibly been anyone else, it was definitely loud enough for him to hear. 

Do I crack a joke? Do I ignore it? Do I leave immediately?

He says nothing...I say nothing. 

 

Ok then.  I stay and pretend nothing happened.

Then we move on to box squats. 

First warm up squat...on the box, my ass hits the box.  Oh god no...it happens again....I kinda look at him sideways but there is no change on his face...he is keeping it straight.  I think, well, maybe the sound of me hitting the box hid my shame...

We keep working and keep loading the bar...and it never stops.  I am clenching so god damn hard and yet...EVERY...SINGLE....SQUAT....

Pop  Pop  Pop.

I am not kidding.

EVERY SINGLE SQUAT.

New coach, young guy too~fat old lady, just over here squatting and cutting the cheese...

How in god's name does he keep a straight face, how does he not just say, " look I think this isn't a good fit," how did I ever walk back in that gym?

I still wonder if when he sees me walk in the gym, he thinks, "here comes the tooting queen."

 

Sigh....that's my story for today....happy squatting. And here's to all those coaches who just ignore the things we can't control and are will to just keep working on helping me get stronger and quicker and less gassy maybe too. Kidding....that'll never happen....I love broccoli too much.