Little post it notes. Little obsessions.

 Oooof,  this is gonna be weird and wild and probably a complete jumble.

Here I go....what the hell is that photo is probably the first question. Well, it is sorta a symbol of how I can obsess.  I make excel spread sheets and have little post it notes all over my computer, and I also make a list on a special little tablet; all of this to keep track of a debt I have been working to pay off since 2016.

Redundant much?  Yes.  Like I would forget to make my little consistent payments if I didn't have these notes? 

This photo represents almost 7 years of post it notes...not always green or blue.  I have gone through the rainbow on these.  Anyway....why I am telling you this?

I was coming close to the end of this little obsessive project of mine when I realized that instead of all the little payments over the next 6 weeks or so, that I could instead tear the fucking band aid off now. That I actually had the ability to just be done with this piece of things.  This debt that has felt like way more than a debt for so long. Please don't get me wrong...I have never regretted the purpose of this debt...never...but for those of you who know me well...there are all the other painful pieces that were attached...

I submitted the last payment today.  I may have cried a little.

I have had a lot of people tell me that I will feel like a weight has been lifted....I can't say I feel that yet.  I kinda wanna see the big fat 0 on the screen when I log in.  Also....and this is fucking awful...

What the fuck...what now, how, who am I...huh? How did paying this debt become such a huge piece of my identity.

Fucking Gross.

But I know I let that happen because of my pain...and that I allowed someone else to help set that tone...that tone of  "that is all I was good for anyway." That no one really cared what I could do for them unless it was to pay...

And some of that will never go away.  But the huge difference is I know I have a choice...and I know now that I also had a choice and made that choice all those years ago because it was, at the core, what I WANTED TO DO.

So now what?

All the tracking, all the post it notes feel like old friends. I just need some time for this to settle....I start thinking about all the things we should be doing, ways in which to help, how to lay it all out, and I start to feel manic.

I need to put the planning down for a moment.

Maybe for the rest of the year, just to let this settle and sink in.  

Not sure I am capable of doing it...but I am guessing it's the best thing I could do.

Oh and I am going to Maine next week...WHAT?

More on that later...