shhhh

 

 secrets

We all have secrets....that much I know....we all do.  Back in 2005 my friend Rod introduced me to Post Secret.

 

 Post Secret

I open this web site every Sunday...EVERY SUNDAY...and read secrets. I really think I have done this now for 18 years.  

Sometimes these are silly, sometimes heart breaking. 

But our secrets...I guess the same.  We have things we keep silent about that are silly or no big deal and...yea, they may or may not be heart breaking.  

I have never sent a postcard....but I have my secrets. I realize we all have of lots of things we never say, but they go away or don't mean much, but I think there are some secrets that weigh on us.  That's part of why people send their secrets to this site.  

Recently, I shared something I have never spoken aloud....I have indeed spoken in general terms about some of the things that happened to me as a child...but the details or some of them have just sat in my brain and even in my body since I was about 8. Well, on a road trip, Grant asked me a rather pointed question, and as is the way some times....I answered...but he asked a little more....and well, out some of it came.

It felt...odd...disturbing.... in how calmly I said certain things that I had previously KNOWN that if I spoke aloud my world would crumble.  Instead; I felt, as happens sometimes...a weight lifted from somewhere off myself. And, as no surprise to me, Grant just listened. Asked some questions, did not freak out or jump out of the truck...hahaha. There is something to sharing in a moving vehicle though, isn't there...you don't have to look directly at someone.  I know when the kids were younger, that is often when they would share the hard stuff.

Then.....oh my.....a few weeks later we were with some other folks and a conversation started about micro dosing mushrooms and why someone might benefit...and my panic went to 11.  I looked at this man who I had just told something I had never shared and was sure he was gonna drop it on the floor in front of other people.  I was sure that the "world would crumble." 

I felt bad later.  Truly.  When we left he knew...He could see it on my face probably. The fear, the lack of trust....but he didn't drop that shit on the floor.  He assured me he never would.  And I know that to be true.

Now.

But I didn't for that moment. 

I am pretty sure we have experienced a moment when someone lets something fly they didn't know was meant just for them, or worse (much worse) our secrets are used as a weapon against us.

So what is your point Mona?

I dunno.

I have started this blog a few times and I cannot remember my original intent.

I just feel grateful...for Post Secret, for finally feeling safe enough to let go of a "secret" I have held since I was 8, for the release that I feel in speaking it, and for the space that I was given in which to speak it.

Hopefully, you have that too.