There's no crying in the squat rack.

So, I posted on Facebook the other day that I started crying during a bench workout.

Honestly, I had no idea why at the time....it was my third set, I placed my hands, tightened up my shoulder blades....and looked at the bar.  I looked that the knurling...I looked at my hands...and tears started.

THANKFULLY, it was when the weight was still light so I did not have a spotter yet.  I had everything and nothing floating through my head. 

I spoke with a friend about it....and she thought perhaps it was the "safe space" thing. 

You know...the gym is my safe space...

But...I wasn't upset about anything.

Or?

Ok yes...I just closed a show, a significant piece of the show is about using weight lifting as A SAFE PLACE TO FEEL.  You know...feel the weights...of...things....

During some of my darkest days...BJ and the Zia/Praxis crew were there....allowed me to fall apart and allow me to let the weights help rebuild me. 

And well, it was just about a year ago that Praxis closed their doors.

You know what?  Little has changed for me...I fucking HATE working out alone.  I have been doing it for a year now.

I
DON'T
LIKE
IT.

I'm doing it....but I don't like it.

I like my long distance coach....James...He got me stronger...until I had to back away for the show.  And....he understood why I needed to back off...he wrote baby workouts to keep me moving, but not to push me.  Shit, I even had 2 lifetime PR in throwing this year.  Crazy.

Really?  Kinda amazing.

He gets that life pulls you in all sorts of directions thing.

But...I lost it again yesterday.  In the squat rack...well, I didn't lose it, but I teared up.

There really is no crying in the squat rack....

Then a surprise...I saw one of the old Zia folks and we talked~at length~about peanut butter and PB&J sandwiches.

Is it the same, no...but it never is....it never will be.

So we roll with it....I miss Hersch and Brittany and Josh and Faith and Gilbert

and....and....and.....but I got to have that time with them...I had a tight, supportive, smart, funny community to work out with once. I'm lucky I have that to miss.

Dead lifts on Friday....please let me hold it together....