Meat Sack

Well,  Things are moving forward...

The things that need my attention are taking focus. Sometimes it is so difficult to remember that we cannot make time for everything we want to work on all the time.  I realized after yesterday's rehearsal that I need to let a few things go...I am so overwhelmed by the support I am getting for this show I am working on. 

I need to match that.

I can't fit things in anymore....It needs to take the front seat.


ANYWHOOOOO....

There has been something bugging me lately that has absolutely nothing to do with this piece.

I think women in particular get caught in the trap of talking about our bodies, not in terms of what they can do, but how they look. And as expected there is a huge disconnect between how we perceive ourselves in these beautiful meat sacks....I experienced this in a super painful way years ago when I was working on a piece with a group of dancers....There I am in a dressing room and they are talking about all their flaws and their FAT.....I am standing there left with this feeling of "Jesus, if they see themselves that way, they must want to vomit when they look at me."   I remember saying something to someone about this years ago and the comment was, "well it is ok for you to look the way you look, but...well.." and they trailed off....I felt like they were going to say, "because you don't give a shit about yourself." 

But I didn't press it.

I also was reminded of my own behavior...I know I have done that to friends...put on blinders and put myself down, without regard to what someone might be taking from my hateful comments toward myself.

There is someone in my life who is constantly using the phrase "enormous" to describe people.  Then I saw one of these "enormous" people they were referring to and I kinda wanted to die. 

You know where I am going with this, right?

Now every time I see them, I hear their voice saying those words about me to other people.

There seems to be a surge in this right now in the women around me and I don't know why, perhaps I am just more aware of it.

I asked a dear friend once, a friend who really is amazingly strong and super lean and fit..."Be honest, when you first met me, did you judge me based on my size." 

To their ENORMOUS credit...they said yes. Yes, they do judge people by how "fluffy" they are, they try not to but it is there... The honesty was refreshing.  I still felt shame...the cultural pull is strong....shame that some how my meat sack is upsetting to people....but not for long. 

I look how I look for a long list of reasons....but none of those reasons include some sort of weakness, or moral failure.

So, I will watch my self talk, especially when it is out loud. When I experience this again, I will do my best not to accuse the speaker of anything, but to reminder her of all the things she can do with her meat sack...and maybe, just maybe it will help me to remember all the things I can do with my meat sack too.