Sunday, December 27, 2015

Late report

On December 19th I did a small powerlifting competition. I meant to write about it right away, but.... Well obviously I didn't. I am dealing with some painful stuff that I have allowed to shut me down even further. A grand excuse to watch too many movies, eat too much, cry too much, and forget too many good things. 

So, powerlifting. There were more women there than I thought might be there...especially since I rarely see any women at the gym.  I learned later that there was indeed a group from another gym there.  

You know why I was there..... To see if anything can get me motivated again.  I met 2 women, one was lifting, one was watching; who were in their 60's.  And the young women I met. Sigh.  It was so great to see how different their relationship is with their bodies than anything I ever had or even have now .... How supportive they were of one another and how their partners....well, loved what they were DOING. 

They kept calling a clean lift "sexy". 

I like that. 

I'm really fat right now and weak too. I was nervous too, completely unprepared for this thing I was about to try...I started my squats at 255. Seemed too high, but I had asked BJ for some guidance and that's what he gave me.  It felt ok....second lift I did 285. Still felt ok. Then I had to decide... Final lift. I have tried 295 and 300 in the gym since my surgery and I can't get it.... But I wanted to try more than 10, Grant said I should just go for it so I told them 315. 

I got it. And the heart seemed just fine. 

I broke through a little bit of that mental block, I trusted the heart and I got over 300. I know it's not where I was a year ago...but it was what I had that Saturday, shitty prep, crap eating, emotional goo and all. 

I went to take off my knee sleeves and Grant was so happy for me. He knows better than anyone how poorly I have been treating myself, how discouraged I am. He was genuinely proud... No jokes, no small jabs to put me in my place, just happy for me.... For breaking through that mental block, for getting that 300 again, for staying calm and trusting the ticker, loving what I can DO... Even feeling as sad and broken as I do right now. 

Bench, I started at 135 hoping to get to 165. I know lame. What I didn't know, had never experienced was the pause. Ha. I couldn't do it!  I think I figured out what happened... I relaxed relaxed at the bottom... I could not move 150. I laughed cause what the hell can you do. There was a young guy there.... He had never competed either and he had the same issue I did. Something to figure out if I try this again. 'Cause really? I should be able to bench 200...


Started at 325. Then 355. Then I thought what the hell, I have one lift left so I went for 385 which would have been a real pr not just a post surgery pr. I missed the lift. 

Got it to my knee but I had a couple guys tell me that I had leaned back as I started to pull... So there was no way. I was in a bad position. 

It was ok though. 

I had fun, saw some beautiful lifting. And a wonderful wide range of folks, young and older... Experienced and new. 

I might do this again if the gym has a small meet again. 

Am I energized? 


I have had two weird things happen with the heart that have me feeling scared.  It's very possible, no, highly likely that it was anxiety. My friend Hersch told me to go back, think about what was happening when my heart started racing. What was I thinking about.... Or did it truly start out of nowhere like SVT. 

Panic. Anxiety. 

I think he is right. 

This week though. Sigh. Have only worked out 3 days.... Again. 

I just.... Cannot seem to take care of myself.  

And it's all up to me.... 


  1. Awesome job! Congratulations!! Grant is very special, I'm so glad you two have each other. I wish you'd be easier on yourself, but that can only come from you. Be well:)


    1. Thanks Juli...I know, I have found this road filled with lots of lessons...patience and kindness are top on that list.

  2. Congrats. That's a pretty awesome thing to do. even though your not happy with those numbers I'm very impressed. I messed up the pause at my first powerlifting meet too. It's just not natural ;-)

    Be gentle with yourself.

    1. I am happy...just not with the bench! ha...the pause...ahhhhhhh

  3. Just a small fyi, actormommathrower set multiple state and national records. That's a big deal. Super fun to watch. The crowd went wild! It was literally a roar from everyone being so amazed and amped!