goals

Sometimes it is very interesting the way people see you...

I'm just going through my days, struggling to get my work outs in.  My personal goals right now are pretty far removed from the gym at the moment.

Some one says to me, "I know you are trying to be some bad ass power lifter chick."



Huh?


No.


1.  I have never imagined myself fitting into the "chick" category.

2.  I only "focused" on power lifting very briefly, post heart surgery.

3. I have great respect for the sport and those who focus on said sport....I simply will never be one of those women....I am not disciplined like they are...

4. I lift to be a better thrower....most of the time.....but right now.....

5.  I lift because I like to lift and frankly, it has been tho ONLY thing that I have ever stuck with.  I don't wanna "be" anything....but I do want to keep moving.


Is it something I should be doing at my advancing age?  Well, some may not think so...but I say yes, yes it is.  Is it "traditional" or gentle or whatever?  No....But I keep coming back to the bar.


I keep coming back to the bar, because the bar doesn't lie.

I can convince myself of all sorts of things when it comes to my "perceived effort" on a walk or on a bike or fuck, even in Yoga....

But as Henry Rollins says...200 pounds will always be 200 pounds....


So, I'll do me and you do you. I know it wasn't meant as an insult or anything....it was just this person's impression and that's OK!!

I'll just be thankful I have found a way to move that keeps me coming back....keeps me moving.  I don't want to BE anything....I just wanna move...and really that is still sorta new for me.  2010....less than 10 years ago...I joined my first gym.  My workouts have changed a ton since then....and you know what?  It can keep changing. But even back then....my favorite days were lifting days....

So, I'll find that bar for as long as I can...as long as it keeps calling me back....

No REP!

I go "no repped" last rehearsal!

For those of you who are not familiar with CrossFit lingo....judges or coaches will yell "No REP" if you miss depth or some other standard.


Last rehearsal......

Me:  Well. I made it through the lifting piece.

Dir: Well, almost.

Me:  What?

Dir:  Well.....

Me:  Whatever, my knee still hurts.

Dir:  I really need to no rep you.

Me: Fine

Dir:  No rep in rep.

Me: ........

Dir:  No rep; in rep in a repertory theater.

Me:  No reppy reps.  The whole rehearsal doesn't count.


Ahhhhh.

Mona and Rod, combining Art and Sport since 2010....but never quite like this.

Meat Sack

Well,  Things are moving forward...

The things that need my attention are taking focus. Sometimes it is so difficult to remember that we cannot make time for everything we want to work on all the time.  I realized after yesterday's rehearsal that I need to let a few things go...I am so overwhelmed by the support I am getting for this show I am working on. 

I need to match that.

I can't fit things in anymore....It needs to take the front seat.


ANYWHOOOOO....

There has been something bugging me lately that has absolutely nothing to do with this piece.

I think women in particular get caught in the trap of talking about our bodies, not in terms of what they can do, but how they look. And as expected there is a huge disconnect between how we perceive ourselves in these beautiful meat sacks....I experienced this in a super painful way years ago when I was working on a piece with a group of dancers....There I am in a dressing room and they are talking about all their flaws and their FAT.....I am standing there left with this feeling of "Jesus, if they see themselves that way, they must want to vomit when they look at me."   I remember saying something to someone about this years ago and the comment was, "well it is ok for you to look the way you look, but...well.." and they trailed off....I felt like they were going to say, "because you don't give a shit about yourself." 

But I didn't press it.

I also was reminded of my own behavior...I know I have done that to friends...put on blinders and put myself down, without regard to what someone might be taking from my hateful comments toward myself.

There is someone in my life who is constantly using the phrase "enormous" to describe people.  Then I saw one of these "enormous" people they were referring to and I kinda wanted to die. 

You know where I am going with this, right?

Now every time I see them, I hear their voice saying those words about me to other people.

There seems to be a surge in this right now in the women around me and I don't know why, perhaps I am just more aware of it.

I asked a dear friend once, a friend who really is amazingly strong and super lean and fit..."Be honest, when you first met me, did you judge me based on my size." 

To their ENORMOUS credit...they said yes. Yes, they do judge people by how "fluffy" they are, they try not to but it is there... The honesty was refreshing.  I still felt shame...the cultural pull is strong....shame that some how my meat sack is upsetting to people....but not for long. 

I look how I look for a long list of reasons....but none of those reasons include some sort of weakness, or moral failure.

So, I will watch my self talk, especially when it is out loud. When I experience this again, I will do my best not to accuse the speaker of anything, but to reminder her of all the things she can do with her meat sack...and maybe, just maybe it will help me to remember all the things I can do with my meat sack too. 

Quickie...

Up date that is...

Well, we got rid of our carpet in the living room and hall.  Dang....in by the yard; out by the pound indeed.

I am throwing this weekend...SCARY.

Rod, Kate, and I are looking at doing a preview/Bake sale for the piece we are working on.....

Probably the end of August, stay tuned.

Have I mentioned that we have dates for said piece?  Well we do.

Nov 1-3 and 8-10.

Means I'll miss World's, which if you know me at all you know I have conflicted feelings about...but the choice was made for me.

I probably told you that already.  Scott of IronWeed and John of Grotessco are both making me wanna cry lately....they are both being so generous with their time and resources. 

Got the official notification about Pleasanton yesterday. 

I know I say this every time I get selected, but I am so humbled and thrilled.  I adore that game....and They expanded the class....the last couple of years we threw with the men's 60+ so there were on 6 or so of us, this year?  12

12!

12 women's masters at Pleasanton!

And I get to be one of them....

I've been throwing a little more....mostly drills in the yard...but I think it's good...it's the detail work. 

Gym has been ok....

I have had a couple of bad days....days when I walk in and I just feel sad...a little lost...and a little lonely.  But I kept lifting. 

I know it's me..but there is someone there who I am starting to see frequently enough, that we always stop and say hi and even check in about what we are working on....that is the best....she's pretty cool to chat with this old grandma... seriously, she's pretty freakin nice....

I'll try to check in after the Elizabeth game...

Oh, I booked a movie too....Squeeee...It's been a while!

It's been an interesting time....I have so much beauty and grace and love around me and sometimes I can't seem to feel it or see it. 

Gotta keep my eyes open.

And another Happy Birthday to my son Kegan....he made me a mom 25 years ago today.

Aloof

I have almost always had this weird issue when people meet me, especially in large groups, of coming off as aloof.  Well, not always...for whatever reason, that didn't happen when I started throwing....

Anyhoo....

I know that I am not dealing with severe social anxiety, and I am glad for that.  I have just enough though that I know I put up some sort of shield.  Minor, but still.

Coming up on a month past the GRRRL Live.

As usual, I meant to write a little more, and I will...but one of the things I wanted to say or think about or whatever, is that aloof thing and Grrrl.

If they hold the event again...I would like to push myself a little more.  I was super lucky to be there with some women I know, but that also helped me stay put.  If I go again....I'd like to reach out more....ask to join with people I don't know, that sort of thing.

It is interesting to me now that time has passed....that I can pin point the moment I felt more comfortable.

It was when Heather asked me to help with the workshop.  I walked in there...she told me what she needed.....and I could relax.  Kinda like my acting shit....I am an actor, give me a script, direct me....and I'll do my best to do what YOU want.

Ahhhhh, so guess what else I am dealing with now....being an actor, without the strict structure too...Having to look at producing issues, fundraising issues, ahhhh.  Thank god I have Rod....and the large amazing group of other folks that are trying to help support me as we explore this piece.

Interesting.

I do know that the first few speakers zeroed in on something I needed to hear, just as I needed to hear it.

Be authentic.
Be yourself.
You have your story to tell.

You are enough.

Ok, I know this blog is frazzled today...but perspective was one of the other issues...Janea Kroc spoke.  I actually got to do the power lifting workshop with her as well.  I have seen the documentary about their life and I really wanted to meet her.

She spoke about perceptions....the pain they can cause, the assumptions that get made, all of that. That even she believed that being a woman meant she should be small...but she learned that strength has no gender.  This pain of thinking your accomplishments are your worth....her grace in sharing her story.  I really wanted to go up and say hi....to thank her for being visible.  I don't even think my kid knows who she is, but it makes a positive impact on the entire community.

So...I'm thinking, go up to her, it's ok.  She is of course swamped by people, so I wait.  I get to her, I know what I want to say...simple.  I just want to thank her for being visible...Guess what happens instead?

I fucking burst into tears.

Yup.

No idea why, I just sob...for her, for me, for my kid?  I don't know, none of that seems like it's the reason.  I have no idea, even now, why I unloaded on this poor woman, but I did....I thought I was gonna be all cool and just thank her, but nooooooo.....

I really didn't mean to put more on her, but there ya go.

Oh well...I got a photo of her and I together...she is way more beautiful than I am, but dang if we don't have the same Slavic nose....