First day back at the gym yesterday in a while. Between the game and my mom's death....it's been an interesting couple of weeks.
I just wanna say, we knew this was coming, she has not been well for a while and her release form this world of pain is really a good thing.
That being said...it is still...well, a thing....an interesting transition. Y'all who have read this blog for a while know that this mother~daughter relationship was complex and challenging. I truly hope she is free from so many things that hurt her though. Truly.
OK ....so here was me in the gym yesterday.
Coach: Hey, how are you. Haven't see you in a bit.
Me: My mom died
Coach (horrified look) Oh, I'm so sorry.
Me: Oh, well we knew it was coming, it's just weird you know.
Coach: Yeah yeah, so sorry.
Guy in gym who I joke around with: You ok today?
Me: Yeah, well, my mom died.
Guy:(horrified look) Oh god, I am so sorry.
Me: Oh, well we knew it was coming, it's just weird you know.
Guy: Is there anything I can do?
Me: No No, sorry I ruined your workout by blurting that out. I shouldn't have said that.
Guy: no it's ok, you seemed off.
Me: Yea, I must look like I cartoon character with a cloud over my head.
Guy: No No you are fine.
Me: Again, sorry.
Guy: Can I pray for you this week?
Me: Sure that would be nice.
Owner : Hey, How was your Mother's Day?
Me: Yeah, well, my mom died.
Owner: (horrified look) Oh god, I am so sorry.
Me: Oh, well we knew it was coming, it's just weird you know.
Owner: I bet.
Me: Oh hey how was your wife's Mother's Day, did you spoil her?
Owner: Sorry for your loss. (he scooted away sooo fast)
Me: (to self) WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?
Barely lifting and telling everyone my mom is dead.
Nice gym behavior Mona, really nice.
Mentioned the interactions at the gym to Grace and they said to me, "Well, maybe that's how normal people act. Like it's ok to ask and ok to say it and no one is judging that you told them."
Maybe...
"Good Grief"
It is odd territory. It's been 47 years since I lost a parent. That in itself is another weird experience. Like, what can I learn from how I reacted back then? Dunno, I was only a kid. I do know that what I did after my dad's death was done out of necessity and didn't really serve me. So, talking about it is better.
Just maybe not between lifts and to everyone who I know in passing who asks how I am.
I really am ok. Like I said, it was for the best. She is free of her pain. It is a transition though and it is my job to make sure I go through that transition and not try to skip over the work of it to some sort of philosophical musings. Any my processing will look different than that of any of my siblings too. There is no standard.
And to all of the folks who have reached out to me with thoughts, love, prayers, cards, flowers, thank you.
Thank you for sharing this burden with me as we step forward. Because that's what I realized that you all are doing, you have helped lighten my load for this transition. I am deeply moved by your generosity and deeply grateful for your gift of support.
