Mistakes were made.

First day back at the gym yesterday in a while.  Between the game and my mom's death....it's been an interesting couple of weeks.  

I just wanna say, we knew this was coming, she has not been well for a while and her release form this world of pain is really a good thing.

That being said...it is still...well, a thing....an interesting transition.  Y'all who have read this blog for a while know that this mother~daughter relationship was complex and challenging.  I truly hope she is free from so many things that hurt her though.  Truly.

 

OK ....so here was me in the gym yesterday.

 

Coach: Hey, how are you. Haven't see you in a bit.

Me: My mom died

Coach (horrified look) Oh, I'm so sorry.

Me: Oh, well we knew it was coming, it's just weird you know.

Coach: Yeah yeah,  so sorry.  

 

Guy in gym who I joke around with:  You ok today? 

Me:  Yeah, well, my mom died.

Guy:(horrified look) Oh god, I am so sorry.  

Me: Oh, well we knew it was coming, it's just weird you know.

Guy: Is there anything I can do?

Me: No No, sorry I ruined your workout by blurting that out. I shouldn't have said that.

Guy: no it's ok, you seemed off.  

Me: Yea, I must look like I cartoon character with a cloud over my head.

 Guy: No No you are fine.

Me: Again, sorry.

Guy: Can I pray for you this week? 

Me: Sure that would be nice.

 

Owner : Hey, How was your Mother's Day?

Me:  Yeah, well, my mom died.

Owner: (horrified look) Oh god, I am so sorry.  

Me: Oh, well we knew it was coming, it's just weird you know.

Owner: I bet.

Me: Oh hey how was your wife's Mother's Day, did you spoil her?

Owner: Sorry for your loss. (he scooted away sooo fast)

 

 

Me:  (to self) WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?

 

Barely lifting and telling everyone my mom is dead.  

Nice gym behavior Mona, really nice. 

Mentioned the interactions at the gym to Grace and they said to me, "Well, maybe that's how normal people act. Like it's ok to ask and ok to say it and no one is judging that you told them."

Maybe... 

"Good Grief"

It is odd territory. It's been 47 years since I lost a parent.  That in itself is another weird experience.  Like, what can I learn from how I reacted back then?  Dunno, I was only a kid.  I do know that what I did after my dad's death was done out of necessity and didn't really serve me. So, talking about it is better.   

Just maybe not between lifts and to everyone who I know in passing who asks how I am.

I really am ok.  Like I said, it was for the best. She is free of her pain.  It is a transition though and it is my job to make sure I go through that transition and not try to skip over the work of it to some sort of philosophical musings.  Any my processing will look different than that of any of my siblings too.  There is no standard.

 

And to all of the folks who have reached out to me with thoughts, love, prayers, cards, flowers, thank you.

Thank you for sharing this burden with me as we step forward. Because that's what I realized that you all are doing, you have helped lighten my load for this transition.  I am deeply moved by your generosity and deeply grateful for your gift of support.

Bad parking.

 And a few laughs. 

Came out of the store to this…. For some reason it struck me as….funny.  I mean I had a momentary “what the fuck?” But then I saw the angle and figured they didn’t even see what they had done. I took a photo to send to Emery so we could laugh about bad parking.  

I was planning on just getting in on the passenger side. No big deal. 

Then the owner of this car comes up beside me and kinda in a freaked out or angry tone says , “ why are you taking a picture of my car?”  

Fair question. 

I just said, “ your parking job made me laugh.” 

Oh. More anger, “what’s wrong with my parking?”  

So I just did one of those sweeping gestures and started laughing.  I couldn’t help myself.  

They looked around me and all that defensiveness slid away. 

“Oh no.  Did I hit your car? I’m so sorry, let me move it. “ 

I just said, it’s ok.  We’ve all done it. And started laughing again. 

They asked, “if I didn’t hit your car, why did you take a picture?” 

“I just thought it was funny and wanted to share it with my son.”

I told them I don’t have your plate in the photo promise. And we looked at the back end of these cars and both started laughing.  

We exchanged the “have a great day” and “enjoy this beautiful day” and they pulled out. 

Then I jumped in my car and sent it to Emery.  

Something about the broiling fear and anger of the world right now just evaporated. It could have ended differently. But why? It’s funny and we’ve all parked like jackasses sometimes. 

It’s always the small stuff.  

Anniversaries

 Well.....I am super late in writing this.

The last two months have been, well.....

Any whoooo.....I had intended on doing a little bitty post about my anniversary at Elevate PHW.

Dudes, it has been 3 years.

3 YEARS??? Already?

 

And...it doesn't feel like it...I am not bored.  

Something about reaching this milestone made me realize that aside from Praxis....that I have usually left a place at about this mark or before.  Often because something didn't fit anymore, or that I could not get what I needed there any more, or...because I get bored. And honestly probably a combo of all three of these. 

After all, I haven't really been a "gym goer" for very long.  Or maybe I have?  I dunno.

So, not much to say really except, I really like this place...the trainers, the fact they have a physical therapy team in house....and trust me, I was SKEPTICAL when I first came....

I do believe I called it "the land of LuLu Lemon."  Not a compliment Mona, not very nice of you...

I also was a little blinded by my own experiences, my own biases about "gym culture." Somehow though...I stumbled into a gem (Thanks Kyle!).  I have had top notch attention to the details of my ridiculous sport and my crappy, not exactly looking like an athlete's, body.  They trust me to "do my own shit in the corner" while also keeping an eye on me.

It is also fun there....I almost feel like I have a place in that space...I know, I know....after 3 years Mona?  Yea...and that's my shit...

I am really trying to keep my word to myself and really focus on my throwing this year.  I have had quite a set back the last two months and honestly...I don't really know if I will have the luxury to actually do that this year given....what is headed down the pike.

But for now, I will celebrate a late 3 year anniversary and be super grateful that I feel welcome here.