Mistakes were made.

First day back at the gym yesterday in a while.  Between the game and my mom's death....it's been an interesting couple of weeks.  

I just wanna say, we knew this was coming, she has not been well for a while and her release form this world of pain is really a good thing.

That being said...it is still...well, a thing....an interesting transition.  Y'all who have read this blog for a while know that this mother~daughter relationship was complex and challenging.  I truly hope she is free from so many things that hurt her though.  Truly.

 

OK ....so here was me in the gym yesterday.

 

Coach: Hey, how are you. Haven't see you in a bit.

Me: My mom died

Coach (horrified look) Oh, I'm so sorry.

Me: Oh, well we knew it was coming, it's just weird you know.

Coach: Yeah yeah,  so sorry.  

 

Guy in gym who I joke around with:  You ok today? 

Me:  Yeah, well, my mom died.

Guy:(horrified look) Oh god, I am so sorry.  

Me: Oh, well we knew it was coming, it's just weird you know.

Guy: Is there anything I can do?

Me: No No, sorry I ruined your workout by blurting that out. I shouldn't have said that.

Guy: no it's ok, you seemed off.  

Me: Yea, I must look like I cartoon character with a cloud over my head.

 Guy: No No you are fine.

Me: Again, sorry.

Guy: Can I pray for you this week? 

Me: Sure that would be nice.

 

Owner : Hey, How was your Mother's Day?

Me:  Yeah, well, my mom died.

Owner: (horrified look) Oh god, I am so sorry.  

Me: Oh, well we knew it was coming, it's just weird you know.

Owner: I bet.

Me: Oh hey how was your wife's Mother's Day, did you spoil her?

Owner: Sorry for your loss. (he scooted away sooo fast)

 

 

Me:  (to self) WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?

 

Barely lifting and telling everyone my mom is dead.  

Nice gym behavior Mona, really nice. 

Mentioned the interactions at the gym to Grace and they said to me, "Well, maybe that's how normal people act. Like it's ok to ask and ok to say it and no one is judging that you told them."

Maybe... 

"Good Grief"

It is odd territory. It's been 47 years since I lost a parent.  That in itself is another weird experience.  Like, what can I learn from how I reacted back then?  Dunno, I was only a kid.  I do know that what I did after my dad's death was done out of necessity and didn't really serve me. So, talking about it is better.   

Just maybe not between lifts and to everyone who I know in passing who asks how I am.

I really am ok.  Like I said, it was for the best. She is free of her pain.  It is a transition though and it is my job to make sure I go through that transition and not try to skip over the work of it to some sort of philosophical musings.  Any my processing will look different than that of any of my siblings too.  There is no standard.

 

And to all of the folks who have reached out to me with thoughts, love, prayers, cards, flowers, thank you.

Thank you for sharing this burden with me as we step forward. Because that's what I realized that you all are doing, you have helped lighten my load for this transition.  I am deeply moved by your generosity and deeply grateful for your gift of support.

Bad parking.

 And a few laughs. 

Came out of the store to this…. For some reason it struck me as….funny.  I mean I had a momentary “what the fuck?” But then I saw the angle and figured they didn’t even see what they had done. I took a photo to send to Emery so we could laugh about bad parking.  

I was planning on just getting in on the passenger side. No big deal. 

Then the owner of this car comes up beside me and kinda in a freaked out or angry tone says , “ why are you taking a picture of my car?”  

Fair question. 

I just said, “ your parking job made me laugh.” 

Oh. More anger, “what’s wrong with my parking?”  

So I just did one of those sweeping gestures and started laughing.  I couldn’t help myself.  

They looked around me and all that defensiveness slid away. 

“Oh no.  Did I hit your car? I’m so sorry, let me move it. “ 

I just said, it’s ok.  We’ve all done it. And started laughing again. 

They asked, “if I didn’t hit your car, why did you take a picture?” 

“I just thought it was funny and wanted to share it with my son.”

I told them I don’t have your plate in the photo promise. And we looked at the back end of these cars and both started laughing.  

We exchanged the “have a great day” and “enjoy this beautiful day” and they pulled out. 

Then I jumped in my car and sent it to Emery.  

Something about the broiling fear and anger of the world right now just evaporated. It could have ended differently. But why? It’s funny and we’ve all parked like jackasses sometimes. 

It’s always the small stuff.  

Anniversaries

 Well.....I am super late in writing this.

The last two months have been, well.....

Any whoooo.....I had intended on doing a little bitty post about my anniversary at Elevate PHW.

Dudes, it has been 3 years.

3 YEARS??? Already?

 

And...it doesn't feel like it...I am not bored.  

Something about reaching this milestone made me realize that aside from Praxis....that I have usually left a place at about this mark or before.  Often because something didn't fit anymore, or that I could not get what I needed there any more, or...because I get bored. And honestly probably a combo of all three of these. 

After all, I haven't really been a "gym goer" for very long.  Or maybe I have?  I dunno.

So, not much to say really except, I really like this place...the trainers, the fact they have a physical therapy team in house....and trust me, I was SKEPTICAL when I first came....

I do believe I called it "the land of LuLu Lemon."  Not a compliment Mona, not very nice of you...

I also was a little blinded by my own experiences, my own biases about "gym culture." Somehow though...I stumbled into a gem (Thanks Kyle!).  I have had top notch attention to the details of my ridiculous sport and my crappy, not exactly looking like an athlete's, body.  They trust me to "do my own shit in the corner" while also keeping an eye on me.

It is also fun there....I almost feel like I have a place in that space...I know, I know....after 3 years Mona?  Yea...and that's my shit...

I am really trying to keep my word to myself and really focus on my throwing this year.  I have had quite a set back the last two months and honestly...I don't really know if I will have the luxury to actually do that this year given....what is headed down the pike.

But for now, I will celebrate a late 3 year anniversary and be super grateful that I feel welcome here.

Oh, was that it?

We all have moments that we can look back on our lives and realize when a moment was a "last time" moment. Often it is small things.  There are big ones too, people will have a sobriety date; know exactly when they had their last drink for example. We will often remember the last time we spoke with a loved one after they die. 

There are also moments that it is clear that it is a "last time."  I remember my last show as an under grad.  Well, I don't even remember the show, but I remember when it was done, when the strike was complete, sitting on the empty stage in the basement of Armstrong Theater.  I took many deep breaths and said good bye to that space, to that time in my life. 

We have so many "last times," if we are lucky....some of them lead to new beautiful moments or people in our lives.

Then there are the moments where you wonder...if this is it.  If that is the end.

Had this sort of experience this weekend and I was initially very reticent to write about it. In lots of ways it is because I don't want anyone to think I am asking you to counter how this feels, to say things to me like...oh no, that won't be the last, you have to keep at it, you have the skills...or anything like that.  This is not a pity party where I am looking for reassurances...this is just what I feel to be true right now. Doesn't mean I will keep feeling this way (even tho I truly think I will.)

I was cast in a short film back in February and due to all sorts of things, it didn't film until this past weekend. There were some nice folks working on this....the AD snapped this of me just as we were about to shoot a last minute page and a half long monologue that had NOT been part of the original shooting schedule.  That's a giggle of fear.  HA.

 

 The director wanted to add it last minute.  Gave me the script and said I could have it in front of me. For anyone who knows me or knows how I work, you can imagine my level of panic.  I said no multiple times, but he basically would not let me say no.....um....unacceptable.... but I did it anyway, so no doubt he will do this to actors again. There is such pressure on sets to just do what you are told. And in someways I get it.  I am a tiny cog in the giant story.  But generally you know well ahead of time what is expected of you. 

Anyway...to my original point.

I think this was the last set I will ever work on.

The following photos are from the amazing Carrie McCarthy.  During the thick of Covid, I had her redo my head shots.  She did a fantastic job I think....the problem though....I have booked precisely ZERO film jigs since January of 2020.  I shot on February 27th  of 2020 and then the production was shut down....along with the whole structure of auditions.

And I have not been able to make the transition.  

Not one job....until this short film....a student film....a chaos set...talk about feeling like I am taking about 100 steps back from how things were going. 

Given the life I lead; I have never had illusions that this could be my career, but I had hoped I could always work a little.  Like most artists always hoping in the back of my head that I would get a role that I could really sink my teeth into. 

I know for lots of actors, the on line remote auditioning has been awesome.  I seem to "do better in the room," that added to the fact that I have gained 30 pounds and well, aged (cause that's what people do) I have been in a dry spell that no longer feels like a spell. I care about my art form...I care deeply about the work of it. AND....I look how I look and I won't starve myself down...and as for the age thing, I am lucky to be aging.  

All that blathering to say....again....this feels like this short student film may just have been the last time I am on a film set.  

I have another photo shoot planned with Carrie that I will follow through with, but I kinda know that just like this set of shots above, they will not be "used" either.

And, that has to be ok.

It is out of my hands after all.

 

 

Prescott & Aztec & Bread crumbs

OOOOOF

Well, the last part of my season was 4 games in six weeks.  

That is a bit much for me.

The two big games back to back went ok....then Prescott & Aztec were back to back...

4 outta 10...do not recommend.   I do have a habit of forgetting that yes I am indeed aging...and the "oh it'll be fine," shows up a bit too much.  I had decent form in Aztec...but there was nothing behind it.  My oooomph got left partially in Estes...and whatever I had left...remained in Prescott.

So, I took the week after Aztec off....like no gym...a little yoga...but...rest.

Still didn't feel great the week after that and this week...on Tuesday at the gym, I kept checking my heart rate thinking I was having a heart attack. 

October can sometimes be a rough month...all sorts of reasons.  Some years are worse than others and this year is bad...oh well.  I keep trying to get to the gym 4 days, but it isn't happening... something shows up or for the last few week I am far too tired. Oh well.  

I spent some time this week looking back at goals I had set with the group of ladies in Fefor and there are somethings I am keeping up with and somethings that have lost my attention.  My stationary bike being one of them...so this week; I am getting on the bike even on lifting days.  Even for 10 minutes.  I have a big-ish goal if we can get back to Fefor this year which will need a bit more cardiovascular fitness than I usually expect of myself.

A couple of weeks ago, I say this quote about bread crumbs and it seemed to scream at me. SO here it is:

 

Take some time today to reevaluate the “bread crumbs” showing up in your life and make some decisions about which ones to embrace and follow through with. It is a good day to take one step at a time towards your goals. We will need to follow the bread crumbs to acknowledge what is becoming attractive to us and be flexible enough to let go of an old dream or intention to allow for a change in direction.

Change is here whether you like it or not. The best thing you can do is make sure your own transition is going in the right direction, the direction of the truth in your heart about what matters and who you wish to be in the future. If you have not yet managed to let go of what needs to be complete, make a plan to do so and be committed to it even if the logistics will take some time. This will create the space for new ideas, inspiration and support to begin to enter your field. 

Ok.... well....I thought I had something to say about this, but I am still mulling this over. Instead of waiting to post until I know...I am just posting it here and letting it roll around a little more.

What is really calling me now?

What are the bread crumbs I am driven to follow?