Some churchy observations.

 We were super lucky this year; after we were in Norway, we were able to spend three days in Edinburgh.

Boy oh boy we did the full on touristy stuff.  Stayed about 5 minutes from the castle. It is much like any other touristy place...Old Town in ABQ, The Dells in Wisconsin.  You get the picture.

The first afternoon there we dip into St. Giles Cathedral.  Lucky for me, it is a cathedral that allows photography...some don't....bugs me that even when it is clearly posted, that some folks with take photos regardless. But that's a thought for another day. 

So, as I do, I am just falling for the very particular style in this cathedral.  It has some of the flourish, but it feels more grounded...heavier than some cathedrals.   Made sense to my senses....seems to match that Scottish sensibility.

Then I start looking at details.  Details in the art work.  

I mean....the specificity of place in these places is very apparent. And, yes, I am well aware of why this is...the colonization of beliefs and motif in order to keep the people in line...to keep them coming to something that "feels" familiar.

Then.....I got sad.  So so fucking sad.

 All this beauty, all this art work, all this attention, and money.  

All of it had been and is still being used to "keep people in line."  It has been used to justify wars and genocide...it still is.

Just so sad.

Made me wonder what Christ would think of bringing people into a space to make them feel a sense of awe and wonder only to use that power to keep people on their knees. 

 

Then a few days after we got home from Scotland...I came up to a church in Santa Fe, not the cathedral, but Santa Maria de la Paz.  Came up for my mother's rosary and funeral mass.  

Been a LONG time since I sat through a rosary.  Like....a full rosary....like almost an hour.  And there too, I was struck by the architecture of this particular church.  The New Mexico of it all.  The beautiful, yet simple, details.  

I did NOT take these photos...I snagged them off the church website.  

 But, very New Mexican...I sat and listened to the rosary.  More striking to me, was who was reciting it.  It was a group of men from the Knights of Columbus, probably six or so of them.  Maybe they knew my mother, maybe not. But I was struck by their dedication. Even more since they probably didn't know her.  I may not believe in what they do, but there they were...a mostly rote reciting of the rosary in service.

In service to their faith.

In service of my mother's soul.

I don't have to believe or agree with them at all in order to appreciate their dedication.  

I was also struck by how much contemporary Christianity has essentially removed the magic and power from Mary, from the divine mother figure. Here were these six old dudes reminding us and themselves that:

"Mary is both a sign of what heaven holds for us and also a Mother to help us get there...Mary is not only Mother but Queen of the universe.....we consecrate ourselves to her and ask her help in doing whatever Jesus tells us."

Powerful divine feminine stuff going on in that prayer. 

Kinda sad it has been stripped from churches....well, it's not like any of these churches treat women in a divine way...but heck, it is still there in theory. 

After the Rosary, was the Mass...Emery enjoyed the Mass in a similar way that I enjoyed the rosary. The priest seemed more open than many preachers these days.  Speaking about "all" paths...I think the prior pope and current pope have a lot to do with that.   

I am grateful my sister moved the date of the Mass for our return.  I am glad we were there. It was a little odd; people coming up and shaking hands and offering to pray for us, but lovely too.  They don't know, nor do they need to know of the complicated nature of things in our family.  Or maybe they do know, because it is the same for them.

It is all just a shared moment.

It is all some sort of divine feminine.

It is all some sort of transition.

It is all some sort of loss.

It is all some sort of new beginning.   

Oooops, I did it again.

 At the gym yesterday, wrapping up my little bitty front squats, when I became aware of some things I have started saying to myself again.

 

The dreaded "for a...." has wormed it's way back into my training and into my brain.

Crap,  I thought I had put that behind me, but I realized today that it has crept back in.

This constant dismissing of myself, of any skills I have; by adding the phrase, 'for a'....to it.  The place it has really roared back is in throwing.  I think because of the lack of training this winter, along with the recent injury, and the worsening neck issues...I am dismissing myself before I can even start.

 I KNOW I am aging and I KNOW those changes are real.  I don't believe that "age is just a number" because things fucking change...and they are supposed to....but...the tone I am taking with my own little brain has become destructive and in some weird way, jealous too?

I have been caught up in focusing on outside validation or in comparison...oh...there is the issue. 

Am I right?

Yes, I am right.

When I had a moment at Fefor this month, I went up to Nick and thanked him for telling me that I was stronger than I really knew last year.  That his words had pushed me to, at the ripe old age of 57, pull a PR on a dead lift of 440. I looked him dead in the face and said, "not too bad for an old lady ."

Even though I was thanking him for what he said last year....Like totally tone deaf Mona... I am lost in some sort of self loathing sauce right now.

He looked me back, dead in the eye and said "No...that's a lot for ANYONE." 

As I walked away, all my stupid brain kept saying was, "That was nice of him to say....He didn't have to say that because it isn't really a lot, especially for all the people here."

 

SIGH

 

I am changing.  Aging is real.  And I don't need to cut myself off from any possible pleasure from working out or trying new things or staying strong.

Not sure what to do or feel at this point.  I should be looking to those women who are older than I who are still doing amazing things instead of always looking at the women who are younger than I; those who have decades of training behind them, thinking that I should be able to "keep up."  Dumb I know....but in my defense, we sure do live in a competitive culture. 

I guess I could use some help.  So if you hear me on the field or in the gym saying 'Yea, not bad for an old lady, not bad for a fat ass, not bad for a fat old lady" you have my permission to tell me to knock it off.  

Travel Travel

 Well,  we are back from our trip.  Yeah Yeah....what has become a yearly trip.

 

Who AM I??

 

Fucking grateful that we get to do this, that I make this happen.

The trip out was LONG....the trip back seemed to work out well.  We got back to Albuquerque about 11PM. Went to sleep as soon as I could, and have been pushing the bed time stuff pretty quickly.  I really haven't had TOO much jet lag....notice how I said not too much....I did still have the zombie staring off into the distance at about 3PM, but it hasn't been too bad.

 

Every year I know I write about this, so there isn't much new to say. If I can go, I will go.

 

This year was hard though, I got hurt on the first day of throwing.  Then I thought I might be fine on the second day....and well...that was a mistake. 

 So....I slept.  I slept a lot.  I would just stop mid day and go up to the room and nap.  I felt really bad at first.  Why would I come all this way, why aren't I doing all of the things, why aren't I doing all of the things.

Well....I needed to nap I guess. 

Did yoga again this year....and the ladies that were doing a bit of yoga with me...we all realized just how worn out we have been.  And some how we all decided that would give one another the permission, the grace to do nothing.

That being said...there were some super cool workshops about nerves and feet and neuro plasticity. It was lovely to watch the women compete for the first time...Great to hang out and watch stone lifting and strongman.  

We traveled to Edinburgh this year too. That was a sweet little side trip too.

Funnily enough, I did start writing again while we were there.  I remember I did that last year too.  

So here I am, just trying to start using the blog again too.

 

This month, I will try to test out the hip. I have a crazy amount of games coming up in September and October. I decided to throw at worlds this year, but that decision is a blog for another day. 

 

Mistakes were made.

First day back at the gym yesterday in a while.  Between the game and my mom's death....it's been an interesting couple of weeks.  

I just wanna say, we knew this was coming, she has not been well for a while and her release form this world of pain is really a good thing.

That being said...it is still...well, a thing....an interesting transition.  Y'all who have read this blog for a while know that this mother~daughter relationship was complex and challenging.  I truly hope she is free from so many things that hurt her though.  Truly.

 

OK ....so here was me in the gym yesterday.

 

Coach: Hey, how are you. Haven't see you in a bit.

Me: My mom died

Coach (horrified look) Oh, I'm so sorry.

Me: Oh, well we knew it was coming, it's just weird you know.

Coach: Yeah yeah,  so sorry.  

 

Guy in gym who I joke around with:  You ok today? 

Me:  Yeah, well, my mom died.

Guy:(horrified look) Oh god, I am so sorry.  

Me: Oh, well we knew it was coming, it's just weird you know.

Guy: Is there anything I can do?

Me: No No, sorry I ruined your workout by blurting that out. I shouldn't have said that.

Guy: no it's ok, you seemed off.  

Me: Yea, I must look like I cartoon character with a cloud over my head.

 Guy: No No you are fine.

Me: Again, sorry.

Guy: Can I pray for you this week? 

Me: Sure that would be nice.

 

Owner : Hey, How was your Mother's Day?

Me:  Yeah, well, my mom died.

Owner: (horrified look) Oh god, I am so sorry.  

Me: Oh, well we knew it was coming, it's just weird you know.

Owner: I bet.

Me: Oh hey how was your wife's Mother's Day, did you spoil her?

Owner: Sorry for your loss. (he scooted away sooo fast)

 

 

Me:  (to self) WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?

 

Barely lifting and telling everyone my mom is dead.  

Nice gym behavior Mona, really nice. 

Mentioned the interactions at the gym to Grace and they said to me, "Well, maybe that's how normal people act. Like it's ok to ask and ok to say it and no one is judging that you told them."

Maybe... 

"Good Grief"

It is odd territory. It's been 47 years since I lost a parent.  That in itself is another weird experience.  Like, what can I learn from how I reacted back then?  Dunno, I was only a kid.  I do know that what I did after my dad's death was done out of necessity and didn't really serve me. So, talking about it is better.   

Just maybe not between lifts and to everyone who I know in passing who asks how I am.

I really am ok.  Like I said, it was for the best. She is free of her pain.  It is a transition though and it is my job to make sure I go through that transition and not try to skip over the work of it to some sort of philosophical musings.  Any my processing will look different than that of any of my siblings too.  There is no standard.

 

And to all of the folks who have reached out to me with thoughts, love, prayers, cards, flowers, thank you.

Thank you for sharing this burden with me as we step forward. Because that's what I realized that you all are doing, you have helped lighten my load for this transition.  I am deeply moved by your generosity and deeply grateful for your gift of support.

Bad parking.

 And a few laughs. 

Came out of the store to this…. For some reason it struck me as….funny.  I mean I had a momentary “what the fuck?” But then I saw the angle and figured they didn’t even see what they had done. I took a photo to send to Emery so we could laugh about bad parking.  

I was planning on just getting in on the passenger side. No big deal. 

Then the owner of this car comes up beside me and kinda in a freaked out or angry tone says , “ why are you taking a picture of my car?”  

Fair question. 

I just said, “ your parking job made me laugh.” 

Oh. More anger, “what’s wrong with my parking?”  

So I just did one of those sweeping gestures and started laughing.  I couldn’t help myself.  

They looked around me and all that defensiveness slid away. 

“Oh no.  Did I hit your car? I’m so sorry, let me move it. “ 

I just said, it’s ok.  We’ve all done it. And started laughing again. 

They asked, “if I didn’t hit your car, why did you take a picture?” 

“I just thought it was funny and wanted to share it with my son.”

I told them I don’t have your plate in the photo promise. And we looked at the back end of these cars and both started laughing.  

We exchanged the “have a great day” and “enjoy this beautiful day” and they pulled out. 

Then I jumped in my car and sent it to Emery.  

Something about the broiling fear and anger of the world right now just evaporated. It could have ended differently. But why? It’s funny and we’ve all parked like jackasses sometimes. 

It’s always the small stuff.