Oh, was that it?

We all have moments that we can look back on our lives and realize when a moment was a "last time" moment. Often it is small things.  There are big ones too, people will have a sobriety date; know exactly when they had their last drink for example. We will often remember the last time we spoke with a loved one after they die. 

There are also moments that it is clear that it is a "last time."  I remember my last show as an under grad.  Well, I don't even remember the show, but I remember when it was done, when the strike was complete, sitting on the empty stage in the basement of Armstrong Theater.  I took many deep breaths and said good bye to that space, to that time in my life. 

We have so many "last times," if we are lucky....some of them lead to new beautiful moments or people in our lives.

Then there are the moments where you wonder...if this is it.  If that is the end.

Had this sort of experience this weekend and I was initially very reticent to write about it. In lots of ways it is because I don't want anyone to think I am asking you to counter how this feels, to say things to me like...oh no, that won't be the last, you have to keep at it, you have the skills...or anything like that.  This is not a pity party where I am looking for reassurances...this is just what I feel to be true right now. Doesn't mean I will keep feeling this way (even tho I truly think I will.)

I was cast in a short film back in February and due to all sorts of things, it didn't film until this past weekend. There were some nice folks working on this....the AD snapped this of me just as we were about to shoot a last minute page and a half long monologue that had NOT been part of the original shooting schedule.  That's a giggle of fear.  HA.

 

 The director wanted to add it last minute.  Gave me the script and said I could have it in front of me. For anyone who knows me or knows how I work, you can imagine my level of panic.  I said no multiple times, but he basically would not let me say no.....um....unacceptable.... but I did it anyway, so no doubt he will do this to actors again. There is such pressure on sets to just do what you are told. And in someways I get it.  I am a tiny cog in the giant story.  But generally you know well ahead of time what is expected of you. 

Anyway...to my original point.

I think this was the last set I will ever work on.

The following photos are from the amazing Carrie McCarthy.  During the thick of Covid, I had her redo my head shots.  She did a fantastic job I think....the problem though....I have booked precisely ZERO film jigs since January of 2020.  I shot on February 27th  of 2020 and then the production was shut down....along with the whole structure of auditions.

And I have not been able to make the transition.  

Not one job....until this short film....a student film....a chaos set...talk about feeling like I am taking about 100 steps back from how things were going. 

Given the life I lead; I have never had illusions that this could be my career, but I had hoped I could always work a little.  Like most artists always hoping in the back of my head that I would get a role that I could really sink my teeth into. 

I know for lots of actors, the on line remote auditioning has been awesome.  I seem to "do better in the room," that added to the fact that I have gained 30 pounds and well, aged (cause that's what people do) I have been in a dry spell that no longer feels like a spell. I care about my art form...I care deeply about the work of it. AND....I look how I look and I won't starve myself down...and as for the age thing, I am lucky to be aging.  

All that blathering to say....again....this feels like this short student film may just have been the last time I am on a film set.  

I have another photo shoot planned with Carrie that I will follow through with, but I kinda know that just like this set of shots above, they will not be "used" either.

And, that has to be ok.

It is out of my hands after all.

 

 

Prescott & Aztec & Bread crumbs

OOOOOF

Well, the last part of my season was 4 games in six weeks.  

That is a bit much for me.

The two big games back to back went ok....then Prescott & Aztec were back to back...

4 outta 10...do not recommend.   I do have a habit of forgetting that yes I am indeed aging...and the "oh it'll be fine," shows up a bit too much.  I had decent form in Aztec...but there was nothing behind it.  My oooomph got left partially in Estes...and whatever I had left...remained in Prescott.

So, I took the week after Aztec off....like no gym...a little yoga...but...rest.

Still didn't feel great the week after that and this week...on Tuesday at the gym, I kept checking my heart rate thinking I was having a heart attack. 

October can sometimes be a rough month...all sorts of reasons.  Some years are worse than others and this year is bad...oh well.  I keep trying to get to the gym 4 days, but it isn't happening... something shows up or for the last few week I am far too tired. Oh well.  

I spent some time this week looking back at goals I had set with the group of ladies in Fefor and there are somethings I am keeping up with and somethings that have lost my attention.  My stationary bike being one of them...so this week; I am getting on the bike even on lifting days.  Even for 10 minutes.  I have a big-ish goal if we can get back to Fefor this year which will need a bit more cardiovascular fitness than I usually expect of myself.

A couple of weeks ago, I say this quote about bread crumbs and it seemed to scream at me. SO here it is:

 

Take some time today to reevaluate the “bread crumbs” showing up in your life and make some decisions about which ones to embrace and follow through with. It is a good day to take one step at a time towards your goals. We will need to follow the bread crumbs to acknowledge what is becoming attractive to us and be flexible enough to let go of an old dream or intention to allow for a change in direction.

Change is here whether you like it or not. The best thing you can do is make sure your own transition is going in the right direction, the direction of the truth in your heart about what matters and who you wish to be in the future. If you have not yet managed to let go of what needs to be complete, make a plan to do so and be committed to it even if the logistics will take some time. This will create the space for new ideas, inspiration and support to begin to enter your field. 

Ok.... well....I thought I had something to say about this, but I am still mulling this over. Instead of waiting to post until I know...I am just posting it here and letting it roll around a little more.

What is really calling me now?

What are the bread crumbs I am driven to follow?

Is that jealousy or....

 Grief?

 

Been having some issues lately with jealously...oh that green monster...

 

What about Mona?  Oh lots of crap. 

My health, my throwing, how I look, my artistic life, how live, how I work, retirement concerns, relationship expectations...

All this stuff I am taking in and looking at myself and thinking, "what did I do wrong," or "why don't I haves."  And honestly there really is a lot I've done wrong (who hasn't), but why right now? Why am I looking all around me thinking "WHY".

Oh....

It suddenly hit me that I am not jealous really, it's grief.  

Grief for the person I never became, grief for lots of choices I made, grief for the open trusting child I started out as.

Ultimately....I gotta let go of the illusion that things "could have been different."

They simply are as they are. 

 

I thought this might be a super long blog where I tried to explain myself...but...it's not...it is just as it needs to be too.

I have a lovely life~ smart, caring, challenging friends, lots of love...the gentle supportive kind, I could go on...but as this meme above says....just breathing in and taking it in~means the list is truly endless.  

 

 

More numbers....and another question.

 I wrote recently about what it means to feel "ready" for a game after my dear friend Grace asked me what that meant. This weekend, after the game in Estes Park, Grant asked me, "did you have a good game."

Well, thanks babe...I did....why though?

Oh shit another deep thought on a simple question??? WHY???

Seriously, what does it mean to have a good game?  Surface level asks surface question...did you throw well...did you win?  I have always had a complicated relationship with the "did you win= a good game." Those who know me a little better know that about me already....I often do not post the actual out come of a competition. I have won some games and felt like absolute shit afterwards, so....what made it a good game this weekend?

There might just be too many factors for me to figure it out anymore.  I just know that I started out the day pretty joyful in movement and was able to hold on to that.  Was the weather good, yes. Beautiful setting, yes. Throwers I love sharing the field with, yes. New people to throw with who were open and generous, yes. Did I throw well, yes. Did I throw far (for me), yes.

I know a bunch of this is really about my mental prep, lead up or day of.  So how do I work on fixin my brain to have a "good game?"  Eh...I can't.  I guess it'll always be a crap shoot.

I will say I am not quite a wrecked as I thought I might be after doing a double.  Not sure I wanna do it anytime again soon....oh dammit...never mind....I am doing it again at the end of the month.

Ooooopsie.

So, I promised numbers....The first number is the list from the post-it note from two weeks ago, second number is from Estes...

25........27' 9.25"  Oh, nice. 

31........31' 9.5"   Threw a little further in Pleasanton, but I am always happy when I am over 30'

 45.......46'10"     Pretty similar, but happy...keeping that 2 turn.

62.........62' 5.25"    Wheeee....On the struggle bus with light....

65.........67' 1.5"     Happy with this one for sure.

80.........78' 9.5"     Ahhhhh, more struggles with my light hammer.

18.........18'           Um this was a fantasy, but I actually got it. And I also only got this because I did not know how high it was, I thought we were at 16, maybe 17.  Popped it over, last one in, and was asked if I wanted to go up.  Where are we, I ask...oh, really, I just cleared 18...again, with the mental game stuff.  Tried 19, been a looooong time since I tried that.  Didn't get it, but I was close.

26' on sheaf.  Don't throw sheaf in Pleasanton, so I didn't have a number on my post-it.  Happy as hell with 26, I went for 28....I think I might get it soon. Honestly, I don't think I will; but It is crazy to think I might be able to get a PR after all these years and at my rapidly advancing age.  

Ok...on that note....I did say a while back that I thought I should make some goals...big goals.  I have but I haven't put them up on here.  

Here they are....now keep in mind that these are "dream goals." Alrighty, I am nervous about even putting these out there.  sigh.

28

35

50

70

72

90

19

29

There they are....next year's goals.  I know I gotta get through 2024 first....and yea, something could show up to derail the focus. But there they are.

Dream big my friends and see how it goes.  

Pleasanton and Estes....

 So, even though I was trying not to have throwing goals for this weekend...I could not help myself and I put 8 numbers on a little sticky note and shoved it in my purse.

I dragged that little asshole out this morning and here is what is showed me.

I do love me some post it notes...

25

31

45

62

65

80

18

That's what I wrote.

Those of you can guess what those numbers mean....well, this is how the day ended up.

26

32

46

59

64

73

15

I am still struggling with my hammers...but heavy wasn't far off from my post it note...light is a mess...so is light weight.  I was double spinnin' with that heavy though, so that's good.  Now, that WOB number is a little misleading.  The first day of the comp, our group got delayed a bit, so when I won the event at 15 feet, I opted not to move the bar up so as not to jam up the standard any long...and we had caber to throw to!  I have also noticed that I am really dealing with the recovery after and during games really well.  Last year I had added the spin bike to my routine in a more regular way and I think that is really having a positive affect in recovery and "making it through" a game.  Now I know that there is a lot of down time during this game, but it is also a high stress game too.

Headed to Estes this weekend, yikes.  I don't do back to back games any more...I'm too old.  Really set myself up for a rough Fall...oh well.  I did hit the gym today and will try to hit it again on Thursday, while making sure I get up on that bike. I think I will just keep this ratty little post it for the game in Estes too.

I did have a really hard time this weekend feeling my age....feeling older than my age.  Really feeling that I am on a serious slide into something...new. I am super grateful that a lot of games, even huge ones like Pleasanton, have added the upper masters classes so I an still come play.

Man oh man...the 40's masters classes had 4 people in on WOB at 20 feet. You read that right, 20 feet.  It was so cool.  SO inspiring. I loved hanging out on the horse track on Sunday and watching all the huge throws.

Once it was all wrapped up, I was walking down the track and I looked up. Took a deep breath in as I watched a hawk riding the thermals in and out of the palm trees.

I stopped for a moment and just felt the ephemeral nature of this moment.  I may never be back on that track again, for any number of reasons. 

That made me feel such gratitude. Gratitude for this moment, for this game, for the organizers, for the volunteers, for all the athletes, for the friends I have made, for this body that is still holding up. 

If I never get to look up at those palm trees again, if I never get to watch these powerhouse throwers again, if I never get to push myself on that field again; I have that moment.  

I hold this gratitude. 

Are you ready?

 I was talking to a friend recently about my upcoming game. As anyone who has read this blog for any amount of time, you are aware that Pleasanton is one of; if not my favorite game.  They asked how I was feeling, and I said "not ready."

 

As I've written about recently, I am having the season I trained for....I been busy doing other things this year....but Grace asked me...."what does ready mean?"

 

Oh, huh....what does ready mean to me.  I spent a couple days mulling over this thought....

 

Does it mean I am throwing the best I have ever thrown?

No

Does it mean I am throwing the best I can right in this moment?

No

Well, what does it mean then?

I decided that feeling ready for a game like this; feels like being ok in my own skin, like feeling solid on my feet, like trusting my body knows how to throw. When I feel those things is when I have "felt ready."

 

 

Oh....so being "ready" is mostly in my broken little brain....along with making sure I am working my drills and basics of throwing.

 

Got it.  Find your feet and have some fun.

 

 

Oh another note, a women I admire a whole lot has a blog....go give it a read.... Life and strong man things are on the menu.

 Link below!

Kikki

 

 

 

Colorado....and migraines.

 How'd that second game in Colorado go?

Well, like I said about Elizabeth...I had the game I trained for.....but....something came up during the game.

As we were wrapping up the athlete meeting, I felt like I had something in my eye...oh shit.

Nothing was in my eye, but I couldn't see....fucking migraine.

I had just had one the weekend before....like come on, no way.  Yup.

Choices choices, what to do....We started on hammer....GAG,  I know we probably should have left...just gone back to bed at the hotel, but I was so mad.  I was upset with my body, with myself.  Like what the heck am I doing wrong that I am still getting these dumb things.

I did learn a whole lot....like Midol is AMAZING for migraines.  I felt like an idiot, but all these lovely women were taking care of me. Not letting me shag, making sure I stay hydrated, helping me off the field when I felt nauseated.

Ultimately, I should have left so that I didn't burden the ladies on the field; but my irritation at myself and my stubbornness...got the better of me.

I felt so betrayed by my own body...it's a terrible theme lately.

I've got 18 days before Pleasanton and I think I may spend the week before the game only throwing.  Focus...I know I won't be at my best for that game, but I want to be more prepared than I am now.

Anyhooo...That's it for right now. 

Proud of you....

 I used to listen to a pod cast, "Go Love Yourself," I only don't listen to this anymore simply because they ended it this year.  I really enjoyed the tone, the subjects, the humor of this pod cast.  Last year, one of the women, Laura, wrote a book.

Diet Starts Monday

She described the book release party. It was super sweet, they talked about choosing clothes, the insane butterflies that cause tummy troubles, then she talked about her Dad.  How he was off to the side, and it made her nervous that he was uncomfortable.  He came up to her at the end of the public portion, looked at her and said, "I am so proud of you."  

It moved her, even as a women in her 30's. 

I was listening in the car as I drove home and I had to pull over briefly.   Without warning, I was weeping. Openly, loudly, blocking my vision, kind of tears.

It was like my memories swiftly rewound.  I never heard those words from my Father.  Now he died when I was very young, so it's not like I did anything he might have been proud of.  I can remember bringing report cards to the freaking cemetery to "show" him. Looking back, I suppose I was wanting to hear him say he was proud of me.  That, there would be some sort of supernatural moment. Suffice it to say...ha, nope.

Then there is my Mom. 

Oh boy.

She is still here.

I've never done anything to make her proud of me either.  I've had the time with her...but nope.  Never heard that phrase or "felt" that either. Not for anything....truly. I could go into details, but really what is the point.

It's ok really.  I always try to imagine her as a dear little one, also never feeling like she was enough.

Poor little baby, seriously.

I know I am not alone in having parents like this...

I thought about how this led me to choose folks in my life that continued this "tradition." People who hated any success that I might have. How I then chose to chase approval, while never believing any praise that is sent my way. Then I thought of my kids, racking my stupid brains to remember times that I have told them how proud of them I am.  And I am...for so many things; but mostly, that they choose to live as their authentic selves in this insane world.

Then I cried more, thinking of the times I have blown off my adventure partner or a dear friend when they have expressed the very thing I crave.  I always come at him with, "Why would you say that?" I kept weeping when I realized in that short little moment on the side of the road...I can be be proud of myself and it doesn't mean I am some sort of narcissist.

I can be proud of some of the things I have done or can do.

It's way past time to stop looking for parental approval, I didn't even realize that that was what I was doing. Time to seek some sort of self approval. I can also make sure that I tell the people in my life when I am proud of them, even when it feels weird.  Ultimately, saying "I'm Proud of you" does not have to come only from our parents.  It seems odd now that I had believed that for 50+ years. 

In Fefor this year, I walked away from that Mountain Madness Comp feeling proud of myself...I walked away from that whole week feeling proud of myself...and I didn't even need to bring an award to my Dad's grave site to feel it.

Elizabeth Update....

 So....How'd it go Mona?

I had the game I trained for.  

I have another game in two weeks and will likely have a similar game.  I only have 6 weeks until Pleasanton and I am a little concerned that I am on the road to embarrass myself.  I do know though, that this was always going to be how this year played out.

Soooo, get over myself.

I had so much fun seeing the folks in Colorado. 

It was interesting, we had a pretty big group as we threw with the light weight women. The day started with Caber & height events.  Oddly enough, these events felt good...well, caber felt scary?  I have no idea why, but I go scared of caber.

FUCK.

What it that?  I love caber.  So freaking weird.

Now, distance? 

Oh holy hell.

Lost my damn two spin again...I mean I could for the light, but it SUCKED...then I took one extra on a heavy....after we were done, and it was fine.  SO it is there...

All I can say is my adventure partner cleared up the back yard, so....the goal is to throw at least one extra day.....I would rather commit to 2 extra days. As for now, I will work for one extra. 

We did have a lovely trip and cannot wait to get back up to the Colorado games next week.

 That's it, just a short short update not filled with many details.  But working on rebuilding a habit can happen best for me in tiny bites.

😊

Elizabeth

Long ago and far away, I used to write about the goals I would lay out for myself before a game.

So, here is a short check in. Mostly to get this writing habit a kick in the pants. 

We are headed to Colorado this weekend.  It is a small group of Masters women, all but one I know and have thrown with before.  I honestly cannot remember how many times I have been to this game. I do remember one year CJ riding a unicorn toy after we were done....but I cannot remember how many times we have gone.  It is the same weekend as Flagstaff, so there was always a choice to be made. Well, this year Flagstaff has only a demo for athletics so....there ya go.

Honestly, it was silly of me to sign up for these games so close to coming back from Norway, but whadda gonna do?

Goal, goal, goals....huh....um, I am still not feeling great and I JUST got back to the gym this week....and OH MY GAWD....the throwing area we have in the back yard is utter trash at the moment...so goals....

Maybe not fall down?

Ok Ok....focus on...FORM.  No number goals for me this time.  We head back to Colorado in like two weeks, so maybe I'll have goals then for numbers....

I have though, been working on my goals for the year. I did write down some super scary way the fuck out there numbers...because you know...why not.

I had this thought after Norway, that I always censor my goals to "what might be possible" and perhaps after all these years I could shoot for impossible goals and just see what happens. Don't get me wrong...The might be possible goals have often not been attained either...and sometimes they have functioned as a midway point sort of goal.  

They are good solid stepping stones.  But....what if....

Yup, this next year might just be the "What If..." year.

Been a long time again.

 Norway dreams and lessons.

 

Well, where the hell have I been?   Been busy....I did a crazy combo this spring, ADing the Rio Grande Games, then opening an original piece of theater with Grotessco two weeks later....So, things got shuffled and prioritized as they needed to be to give my energy where it was needed.

Writing my little bloggy blog fell into hibernation.  For the 6~8 weeks before the show, the gym took a back seat as well.  I also know that I haven't been writing with any sort of consistency in....probably 8 years...hahahahaha.  This will unlikely be the start of anything consistent either.

So, a week and a half after the show closed, my adventure partner and I set off for another trip to Norway...Fefor Power week.  You know that for us, there is something special there.  Last year was a little hard, I was injured, there were weird issues with another thrower, and I just felt...off.  Like I really didn't belong there.  

But we hopped a plane again.  This time I told myself a few things....I would use this time to rest, to learn, and to reconnect with my journal practice. Frankly, I would go for me...not worry about what I was there to "do" or worse, "prove."

I cannot get into all the details...it's an experience...not a series of boxes to check and report to others...but I will say this....

I did write again,  I rested well and did morning yoga with a beautiful group of women, I went to the room and napped; sadly I missed an award ceremony one of these days...I was SOOOOOO sad about that, my adventure partner and I reconnected in a very important way....most importantly, I feel like I was more, me, than I had been here before.  

I also tried the Mountain Madness event, which was a hybrid strongman/highland event.  WOB and 5 Strongman events...things I had never done before.  Now WHY I did this, I really don't know, but something in my tiny brain said "try."  Sarah and the athletes over at Evolution Strength and Conditioning, were willing to help this old highland games broad out and go over some basics so I didn't hurt myself, so I didn't go in completely blind.

But even with a few Saturday classes, I was so far out of my depth.  My goal was to "get" two of the 5 strongman events. There were 2 events a day. So glad they were spread out like that.

To say that I was scared each morning as walked out to the arena every day is an understatement. A good scared, but scared.  The strongmen out there so damn helpful with tips and tricks and even equipment.  

So, I have some video of the events, but I wanted to share this one in particular.  It is a Viking deadlift at 485lbs.  This is one of the events that I absolutely KNEW I could not do.

I got it...I actually "got" all five events.

As cool as this video is...there is a lot of what really matters that is NOT in this video.  What you don't see?

My warm ups, where I could not move that bar with less weight.

All the women giving me tips on how to get my knees set.

My wraps failing and Tenaya giving me her figure 8 wraps to use.

Me bracing and my silly non strongman approved weight belt ripping off.

Ilennis TAPING ME INTO MY WEIGHT BELT!

When I set up, the shear terror and thrill I felt...the sudden knowledge that I had to zero in in the judge, because he was giving me cues.  I could literally see on his face that he thought I could do this. 

As soon as I would start a lift, I would then look straight ahead and who got himself in my line of sight? My adventure partner who always knows I can do more than I think I can.

After the one minute was up...I got stuck in one of the figure 8 wraps and one of the guys rushed over...thinking I was passing out.  He then had to unstick me from my belt.   

Christine, who slid some candy in my line of sight, cause I was shaking.

All of the ladies...all of the folks watching...urging me on.

And once I was done, once I was done cheering for the rest of the competitors, the conversation I had with the judge...I thanked him.  For helping me through it.  He looked me dead ass in the face and said, "You are so strong."

That's it.  

No qualifiers, no "for a's" attached to it.

You are so strong.

Me....me, who always says, "for a fat ass...for an old woman...for a....whatever."

Nope, just strong...from one of the strongest there has ever been.  

 

 

Now I know what you might be thinking...Mona, other people have said that to you.

Yes, and I don't listen to them because they like me or love me or because I pay them....

But all these women who are strong...some of the freaking strongest...seeing me....seeing strength.

Oh boy...there's the lesson this year.  Thank you all....and a huge thanks to Kikki and Egil for making this space that this weird old highland games broad can come and discover something new about herself...something true about herself. 

Black & Yellow.

In the gym the other day...not one of my typical days.  I am slogging away at my 5x5 dead lift thingy...feeling, burned out frankly.  Been a STRUGGLE to get things done that I like doing for myself. Standing in front of that 375 thinking I have seriously bit off more than I can chew this spring.  

I like all the things I have to do...but it is toooooo many.

Anyhoooo  Standing in front of that bar when I see a young guy in black and yellow get on a bike.  I do a set...look up again and there is a group of three....in black and yellow.  I wrap up the lifts head over for some mobility and a group of like 8 guys...yes....black & yellow.....I am working on that IT band...and yes another group...the largest, comes in.

It's New Mexico United day....at the gym.

Since I was right there in the mobility pit, I watched a group of them for a bit.  Now keep in mind, the trainers had split this group of black & yellows into 3 groups, so there were like 8 dudes working mobility.  I noticed something, the younger guys; well, they were awkward.  Yea...I KNOW...they are professional athletes, like how dare I...but seriously.  I know these guys move on the field, but with the mobility stuff....the younger guys were struggling.  

Of course the coaches were coachin' and working with them...but they reminded me of great dane puppies.  Big, strong, but they still don't quite know how to make it all work smooooothly. 

Honestly, it was pretty cool to see.  The older guys had a different kind of handle on their movement.  A more settled way of moving.  I know these young guys will get it and it's why they work with more than just their coaches on the field...that's why they have strength and conditioning and mobility coaches. It makes them better players and helps prevent injuries too.

 

I don't know, I just wanted to share...black & yellow....

 

I have missed writing...but...sigh....