Proud of you....

 I used to listen to a pod cast, "Go Love Yourself," I only don't listen to this anymore simply because they ended it this year.  I really enjoyed the tone, the subjects, the humor of this pod cast.  Last year, one of the women, Laura, wrote a book.

Diet Starts Monday

She described the book release party. It was super sweet, they talked about choosing clothes, the insane butterflies that cause tummy troubles, then she talked about her Dad.  How he was off to the side, and it made her nervous that he was uncomfortable.  He came up to her at the end of the public portion, looked at her and said, "I am so proud of you."  

It moved her, even as a women in her 30's. 

I was listening in the car as I drove home and I had to pull over briefly.   Without warning, I was weeping. Openly, loudly, blocking my vision, kind of tears.

It was like my memories swiftly rewound.  I never heard those words from my Father.  Now he died when I was very young, so it's not like I did anything he might have been proud of.  I can remember bringing report cards to the freaking cemetery to "show" him. Looking back, I suppose I was wanting to hear him say he was proud of me.  That, there would be some sort of supernatural moment. Suffice it to say...ha, nope.

Then there is my Mom. 

Oh boy.

She is still here.

I've never done anything to make her proud of me either.  I've had the time with her...but nope.  Never heard that phrase or "felt" that either. Not for anything....truly. I could go into details, but really what is the point.

It's ok really.  I always try to imagine her as a dear little one, also never feeling like she was enough.

Poor little baby, seriously.

I know I am not alone in having parents like this...

I thought about how this led me to choose folks in my life that continued this "tradition." People who hated any success that I might have. How I then chose to chase approval, while never believing any praise that is sent my way. Then I thought of my kids, racking my stupid brains to remember times that I have told them how proud of them I am.  And I am...for so many things; but mostly, that they choose to live as their authentic selves in this insane world.

Then I cried more, thinking of the times I have blown off my adventure partner or a dear friend when they have expressed the very thing I crave.  I always come at him with, "Why would you say that?" I kept weeping when I realized in that short little moment on the side of the road...I can be be proud of myself and it doesn't mean I am some sort of narcissist.

I can be proud of some of the things I have done or can do.

It's way past time to stop looking for parental approval, I didn't even realize that that was what I was doing. Time to seek some sort of self approval. I can also make sure that I tell the people in my life when I am proud of them, even when it feels weird.  Ultimately, saying "I'm Proud of you" does not have to come only from our parents.  It seems odd now that I had believed that for 50+ years. 

In Fefor this year, I walked away from that Mountain Madness Comp feeling proud of myself...I walked away from that whole week feeling proud of myself...and I didn't even need to bring an award to my Dad's grave site to feel it.