No big deal right...
Well, for those of you who may know me a little better, this is the sister that at one point cut me out of and deemed me unworthy of being in her life. Most recently, at a birthday party for our Mom, she actually introduced me as "her Mother's other daughter."
That one still has me giggling. Especially because the person she said it to, a nun, looked at her and said, you mean your sister.....
Yeah...she asked me to take her up to Denver for surgery. Honestly, I really don't know why. She even said, I know we aren't close...
Um, that's an understatement...
But it was truly a moment for me of, "well of course I have to do this." I still don't know why her husband didn't take her...or a close friend. But I never asked during the trip.
I am not sure if I did the right thing or not. I mean, I know it was the right thing to take her, but not addressing the elephants in the SUV so to speak; I mean, didn't I just fall back into all my old patterns that do nothing but harm me?
For 3 days I felt so uncomfortable in my skin...so shut down. But on the other hand...I know I'm repeating myself...it was the right thing to take her to Denver.
Just a day later, we received disturbing news about a person we know in the throwing community....that involves being in a hate group...then we had to leave for a national conference of Highland games...in Myrtle Beach SC...Where we learned that other festivals have had their own issues recently too. Do you know how much fun it is to be in a room full of people when you bring up an uncomfortable topic?
The faces...like someone had just farted.
But worse.
Oh well.
I did not handle things, any of the "things" the last few weeks very well...I went back to the same place that I went last year...right about this time of year, when someone I thought was a friend posted that they thought any parent who supported their transgender child in transitioning was guilty of child abuse. I made a mistake in responding to that post, and saw a whole lotta people from the Highland Community get super fucking ugly and I unfriended a bunch of people. I also posted I needed to find a new sport. When I said that, I remember getting a ton of support....a ton...and I cried. I cried because I was heard and I wasn't alone; the world, my world isn't really filled with bigots. They just seem to scream their ugliness the loudest.
Well, when confronted with some similar things this Fall, I went right there again....that same feeling of "I need to get away from this"...Same stupid behavior too, I found myself responding to a damn Facebook post again, when I know better...and trying to be heard in a room full of people (literally and virtual) with whom I perceive I don't have any common ground, well, I makes me want to run.
I got a good reminder from my friend Michelle...about Johnny Appleseed.
She's been planting seeds for decades hoping they will grow into understanding...
I have trouble when I feel invisible though, I get itchy....and these last few weeks have made me feel like I have been rolling in poison ivy.
Not sure where I go from here....not sure how I learn to plant seeds instead of hiding. I either get silent or I walk away. Maybe the trick is to drop some seeds as I walk away. I don't know. 50 years of staying silent about A LOT of things means I really really really struggle to speak up..and confrontation feels like...
icky skin vomit shaky yuck
I'm super articulate....
It's a rough time of year for me...maybe I should just hibernate and hope that my roots grow a little stronger for next year.
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