Twice

I think the last time I posted I wrote something about being up front with people when they ask "How are you?"

Well, this weekend I did it twice. 

I was super uncomfortable, but I did it.

This holiday season is proving to be very tough for me.  I have been working really hard on letting things go, on understanding that my oldest has made choices that are his and what he needs to do.  But I'm not there this year....

I am just sad....

I am sad and disappointed that I am not allowed to see or share any of my son's first year in New York experiences; but it isn't even really all of it.  I have had that thing happen...that black hole sucking at my feet feeling...it's more than sad.

So...anyway, to my point, II had two people ask how I was this weekend....

And to one I said, "well, I almost canceled because I am really depressed."

And I said to the other, " I am awful, this holiday season so far is just not a happy time right now."

I was a little embarrassed, but they heard me and said things like yeah...this time can be hard.

It was good to not have to take out a mask and polish it up for people. To just be honest with people and to just be myself in that moment....to just be present with them, and myself.

Both this morning and yesterday morning I felt a little less of that nasty tug at my feet....I am trying to just feel it instead of hide it or hide from it....I'm just not sure I can do that "fake it til you make it " thing at the moment...I just hope this moves through soon so I feel like putting up anything for Christmas, 'cause right now I am super Bah-Humbug.  For those of you that know me at all...you know how odd that is...

I haven't even started to listen to Christmas music yet....

Oh well, I am rambling,  I'll check in once we start the "deadcember" madness.