time for some finger pointing...

'cause god knows it ain't my fault.


CAT Deadlift 5×1 @ 95% of Training Max
Plyometrics...this was some hamstring thinggy then 5 jumps over a hurdle
then
5 Rounds (6)
Bear Crawl down
10 Athletic burpees
Power towel caterpillar down and back  (WTF)
Triple Jump Back, jog it out to the end


I was slow warming up into the deads... had to do 315.  which I did.  In between each dead we had to do that pylo stuff. 

I was really pleased that the 315 did not feel all that heavy.  I have not been feeling great...my hands are shifting between hot pain and numb.  And well, that makes me depressed and moody and scared.  I figured I would not do them at that weight when I walked in the gym, but I did....

now for the finger pointing.

The jumping crap.  I can't jump...I know that...so I started on the 18" hurdle....

I went back to my bar and was watching Will lift....(he is also dealing with some physical crap) and I remembered something he said to me while I was having a particularly nasty day.  I was struggling with a stone and I said something under my breath.  Well he heard me...And he shook me out of the head space and I got the stone up.  Later he said something to me like...I am not going to let you say "I can't" in front of me.


There are lots of things I can't do in the gym...LOTS...but it reminded me that there is a difference, however small, between I can't and I can't yet....or at least~~I can work towards it even if I never get it.

ANYWAY....I kept watching Will (yea....a gym stalker) and I decided to go higher on the stupid hurdles.  I did ask a couple of folks to tell me if I was clearing it or not.  By my estimation, I was barely there....so I moved to the 21"  ....then the last set of 5 I did at the 27" hurdle.

I know that is no big deal to many of you...who cares right?  But yet again, I walked in that gym today KNOWING that I don't jump...I CAN'T jump.  But I decided to listen to Will....cause if he heard me say I can't again....sigh.

So it really is Will's fault that I can jump a 27" hurdle.

True...I only got one round of the rest of that insanity in...I had to go back to work....I am so slow...


PLEASE no more jumping paired with heavy dead lifts....ahhhh...

I need a cookie.

nerves and numbers

Thought I might miss my dead lifts today due to working with Paul...but I shall be fine...I'll just hit the gym late.

So...he was playing on my last nerve today. No not really...but in his opinion there was some tangle with my collar bone...then in to my ulnar nerve.  He pulled and moved and pressed and cajoled the arms. It isn't perfect, but I can say my hands are warm again.   As for the feet...I cant remember...flexion blah blah...see how your foot is pointed for no reason...mangled the spaces between the bones in my foot....pushy pushy...and the neck too...lean here....pull this rib...

I have "homework" and I have to go back in two weeks, see if the homework helps.

I hope so....I was upset yesterday after the gym...multiple reasons...but my hands were at the top of that list.

On a completely different note...I was goofing off on NASGA yesterday and I suddenly was wondering how much the Women's Masters class has grown since I started in 2011...now I know this isn't the end all be all of lists...but I was sorta blown away by what I saw.

2011 there are 28 women ranked under women' masters.
2012 there were 48
2013 there were 66
In 2014....

guess.

come on...

guess.

101

WHAT? How awesome is that?  Makes me wonder how much the sport has grown overall in that time and which class has grown the most. But I am a much simpler numbers person than that.

I am thrilled that the class went from 28 to just over 100 in 4 years! I am lucky as Hell to count myself amongst your numbers ladies.

So...... I had to at least look at the numbers for the category "all women."

Ready for it?

2011...273
2014...487

Ok ladies.  This rocks...

Fan~freaking~tastic

Next time someone says there are not enough women to justify a class....just picture this happy cat and laugh at how ill informed they are.

Coward.

Having a blast with this new programing at the gym.  It is a 9 week thing...CAT....meant to make you focus on the final piece of the lift...you know....speed at the top.  

Second law: The vector sum of the forces F on an object is equal to the mass m of that object multiplied by the acceleration vector a of the object: F = ma.
 
I get the feeling it is a focus thing...I am trying and frankly I am treating it like I am "throwing" every lift.

giggle.

Time has been removed from the work outs as well...there may be a time limit, but the idea of moving fast to get shit done is being replaced with do the shit RIGHT asshole...which, I kinda like.  But the workouts have been crazy....

Yesterday I was especially off my nut...I had a blast...even though I had to run...both in the warm up and the work out.  During the sprinty workout thinggy I really tried to push it and sprint...well...as much as I sprint( like a drunk hippo).  The result?  I was coughing shit outta my lungs all freaking day.

I haven't been writing much....I kinda feel like the personal stuff has been edited out of my blog...even though, well, it IS my blog. Some of this is because I am sorta sick of myself...sick of my body issues.... and you can read what I am doing if you go on the Zia web page.....and some of this is because I am frankly a coward.

I wait too long to say things and then I build all these stories up around what will happen if I do speak...

YAWN.

I am seeing Paul this week too....the numb thing is back and it is worse.  On Sunday it had crept up my forearms and my feet too....I know it might be inflammation from food, but I have been eating well...so...I'll see if there is a nerve thing going on.  I hope so, even though I have chosen not to believe that Doc from a few years ago, when I start dropping stuff and can't feel my fingers...her words sorta ring through my head.

I shall keep my numb fingers crossed that Paul and I can figure this out and I can avoid what ever disaster my mind keeps focusing on....

Front squat update....

Friday...open gym night and monthly BBQ....

and the last one rep for this 2 week period.

Warm up.....and grab a rack.  Lucky for me I was lifting next to Gary and across from Travis and Will.  If I ever need to feel like I don't really lift much....all I need to do is lift near these guys...but because they are who they are....I don't. 

I'm just lifting....I load kinda slowly because I was tired from the last 2 weeks. 

95.....135.....185. 

185 feels super duper heavy....Will had just put on 225 and he had said the same thing...it all felt heavy...

Took a breather to watch Gary get a 20 pound PR on the squat..I think it was at 325? 335?  Dunno, but that is a front squat!

I decide I am feeling lame so I load 30...215...felt better than the 185.

Load another 30...this would be 20 shy of my one rep...I look at Will and say...ehhh...I won't get this, but I do...

So 265 is my one rep...I may or may not have that in me, so I grab 10's....and look at the bar....I sorta know at this point this is probably my last lift for tonight. I grab the 2.5  270...

According to Will, I descended super slow...I told him I had racked it hard against my chest forcing my silly arms into the right position, it made me slow down....I pulled a little forward on the way up and it was just on the final moment that I slowed down and ground that bastard up. Best news on this lift? I didn't wet my damn pants.

Both Travis and will encouraged me to pull the 2.5 off and put 5's on...so I did..I knew there was no way I could get 275....went down never to see the top again....but 270 is awesome!

Then I started to empty the bar....I was looking at the math in my book...I kept adding it up...something looked weird.  Then I pulled the 10's off and realized they were 15's....so I actually got 280...hmmmm.

Will and I decided that we should always have other people load bars and lie to us about how much is on there just to keep our stupid heads out of the equation...or maybe this is another opportunity to get the fuck over myself and just lift what feels right any given day...and frankly this applies to all sorts of things in my life right now...

Goes back to that blog about being "nice" too.  I get so caught up in the "what if's"  the crisis thinking that I don't just lift the weight so to speak...I don't just say what needs to be said.

Doesn't mean I need to be an asshole...I know there are ways to say things that are better in some situations than others.  I know that I have muzzled myself...no one's choice but mine...trying to make better choices as I build a new relationship.  Lucky for me he is obnoxiously patient with me...

Missed the work out yesterday and missed noon today...stinking weather travel delays meant I spent my whole morning rearranging travel for my boss...which I was happy to do and thank god I got it done...but now I have to drag my ass out tonight. 

when it's cold...and dark...and I don't wanna....waaa waaa waaa

Here is a sad cat.

If I don't write again before the feasting begins...I just want to say how thankful I am that I can have a feast~that my kids will be with me for a little while on thanksgiving~for my life~my family~my friends~my health~love~for too many things to get down on paper...

Doormats and dead lifts.

Nice

1. pleasing; agreeable; delightful:

2. amiably pleasant; kind:

3. characterized by, showing, or requiring great accuracy, precision, skill, tact, care, or delicacy:

4. showing or indicating very small differences; minutely accurate, as instruments:

5. minute, fine, or subtle

 

6. having or showing delicate, accurate perception:

7.refined in manners, language, etc.:

 

 Doormat

noun

1. a mat, usually placed before a door or other entrance, for people arriving to wipe their shoes on before entering.

2. a person who is the habitual object of abuse or humiliation by another.

 How is it that these two words have become linked...or is it just me?  In some recent work with a therapist, I was trying to explain how I was trying to be "nice" that I wanted to be "nice" so that everything would be "nice."  

Their response? "How is speaking up for yourself not "nice." How is simply giving someone the facts not "nice." How is setting boundaries not "nice."   

Good question.  

Some things just fucking suck and no amount of whatever I think might be "nice" is gonna change that.. Challenging shit makes us stronger if we simply face it and deal with it. ...I was confusing doormat with nice....wipe your feet outside so the floor inside stays...nice.

 I really really like some of the above definitions of the word nice....Just like the word "fine," I think we have lost the beauty of this word....or maybe it is just me.

Speaking of nice...I have had some nice PR's the last week and a half.  

I have fallen behind on blogging...some sort of "I got nothing to say" thing...which is true...But I like having this record of lifts and workouts and pictures of kitties...

I feel more accountable some how....speaking of which...this eating thing is working for me.  I "cheat" here and there on a weekend, but not during the week....and that goal I had of getting into the first kilt I ever bought...(by the new year) seems almost attainable now.  Even though I won't ever wear it in competition again...too dang short.

 WHAT WAS I THINKING???

As of last week...I can get it on again.  I would not say it "fit fits" yet....but it is much closer.  Just for comparison I put my kilt on that I used this year for competition and well...there is much more Velcro at the waist than I need...

anyway....

Been doing Crossfit like a crossfitter for a couple weeks. Last week and this week we have been testing one rep max...in fucking everything.  I am so sore that I am taking today off and last week I only worked out 3 days...

Here they are so far...these are the numbers we will use for the next 9 week program BJ has everyone on....all that is missing is the freaking front squat which is tomorrow and well and comments and extras I left off cause I haven't written in so long.

Snatch  (FU)  110  (actual PR....but my form has fallen apart) 

Clean & Jerk   150  (actual pr....but again STRUGGLING with form...)

Bench   (FU) 145  (Not a great lift, but a 2014 PR...was 125 in March..I know it sucks, whatever. There is way more in there if I clean up form.)

Strict Press  120  (actual pr!...whatever...I was happy)

Mile ROW  7:07

Back Squat  335  (5 short of my PR, but it was a pretty good lift, a little forward on the way up.  Will and I decided it wasn't smart for me to push it.)

Push Press  165 (another actual PR....Faith said my right knee wasn't clean....so this one is iffy)

Dead   365   (2014 PR 10 more than in March...15 shy of my actual pr)

(There were 400 & 800 meter run in there too...they were just sad...2:45 & 6:52!  HA!)

Not too shabby considering I was not in a lifting program...and this is fresh off the end of the season.  

The yoga has fallen apart...but I will try to get on it again.

Other news?  I am signed up for a strongman type competition in Jan....

Oh come on Jean Luc!  It is a low key competition and everyone should try new things!

I'll follow up with the Front squat when I have it...I hope it's a nice lift.

(see what I did there?)

 

Well, There ya go.....

I was feeling pretty confident after Tucson...had a decent game, and amazing time...and well...sheaf.

Been settling into the idea of "Mona ..the athlete."

So... you wanna know the quickest way to make someone feel like they really have no business winning the games they trained for all year?

Crossfit.

Monday I flew back from phoenix so I did not hit the gym....  here was the rest of the week.


Tuesday:

1 Clean & Jerk every :45 x 10 @ 80%  95lbs  ( I was tired)
then
3 rounds for time
Agility ladder down and back
Handstand Walk down  (um no...30 handstand hold on the wall...could only do this 2 times)
5 Push Press @ 115/75
5 Front Squats @ 115/75

5:42  Not too bad...sorta...that's what I told myself.

Wed:

4 min max double unders  (um...no...singles)
1 min rest
3 min chest to bar pullups  (ha...no..pull ups with a band)
1 min rest
2 min back squats @ 165/115
then
1 min Shoulder to overhead @ 135/95  (these seemed STUPID heavy by this time)

357 reps.

Thursday:

Push Press 5×3   (got to 85% of my one rep  130...smoked)
then
5 rounds for time
7 Back Squats @ 50% of max  (170 these were ridiculously heavy~wanted to quit after the first round)
14 Pushups
21 Sit-ups

I thought I might die after this one.  It was so much harder than I thought...and It took me 15:08 to do it.  Most people did it in 9 or so.  Poor Will....

Friday:

Max muscle ups in 2 minutes  ( Yeah..whatever...15 pull ups.  Well, not even pull ups.  With a band)
then for time:
3 rounds of:
6 Pullups  (really??)
6 Tall box jumps  (22")
followed immediately by
3 rounds of:
12 lateral hops over bar (fuck me)
3 deadlifts @ 275/175


By Thursday...I just hurt....and was filled with athletic shame.

Oh well...you know...I am choosing this...and I am lucky...really lucky for my coaches....for the other folks at the gym.

I bitch and moan....but I know it's good for me to push myself this way and the hot truth is...I am pushing myself. Neither BJ or Will are forcing me to do this.  They may be there to encourage me but I am there doing the work (slowly and fatly).

And for god sake...I lost another friend last week.  He had named his cancer Baxter...and well, Baxter won the battle, but Rocky gave everyone a huge gift.  He wrote about it.  ALL of it seems....the battle with Baxter.  And while he was battling...he would also read this little blog and send me notes of encouragement as I battled pieces of darkness and for that I am very humbled and grateful.

So, as I start another week of not being able to move well, or fast, or gracefully...I will...move.  And I will hold you in my thoughts dear Rocky....and be grateful for all that I have in this finite time.

Peace.

Transformation.

Oh my...

these photos are stunning.

Transformation

kisses.


mona

yoga updates

Did my third class....

learned "the fucked up chair" which was cool...

also did something called the dead chicken.....good for the hip.

and the smashed snake, which I think we did before but I hate this one and it really bugged me last night.


I was more than less focused than the two weeks of less focusing before I thought I might need some focus.....

Reading that sentence is kinda how I feel doing yoga.


I had a really really tough time with it last night....I felt bad for the teacher....or leader....or whatever they are called in yoga.  I wasn't oooooozing sarcasm last night...it was just my supreme lack of focus.  I really am not trying to be disrespectful.....she is good...well, I think she is but what the Hell do I know.  I like it....kinda.   sigh.

I am an asshole.

If she doesn't kick me out I am gonna keep going for a while to see if I can do more than examine my mat and my toes.  Ness is an angel for putting up with me.

On a Zia Crossfit note...I complained to BJ...bitterly, that the dumb bells don't go up by 2 pound increments....

yesterday:

3X5 push press at 110...that's 5 pounds more than last week.
7x1  Dumb bell snatches at 55  that's 5 pounds more than last week.
3x3 single leg jumpy thinggies....
3x8 dumb bell curls at 40  that's also 5 pounds more than last week.

The curls are when I needed the 2 pound jump...but not really.... I did them all.  And the stupid curls have been the weirdest thing for me.  Never done them before this...they seem silly, but I get why I am doing them, and the oddest thing? I started the program using the 20lbs....so yeah.  That's sorta cool.

I just wish the dumb bell curls had a cool name...like in yoga.

Like "killer wing bend."

or  "eagle grope."

or "turtle fart."

sigh....she's gonna kick me outta that yoga class yet.

what's comin' or not....

 This weekend I went down to watch Boxtober fest....shocking for most of you to find this out, but I have actually competed at this thing once upon a time.  I think it was the first time they held it.  It was teams of 4 back then.  It was great watching all the teams from Zia compete and saying hi to people from the old gym that I use to work out with and watching some Celtic folks compete too. I must admit...I miss it.  Sorta...well no. I do. I think I would like to give another shot at a fun competition like this one.  I mean, I can't do so much of the stuff...still....but I don't focus on it.  It is great to watch and to support though...and well...I dunno.

 

 I think some of this is coming from feeling super burned out on throwing right now.  I met with both BJ and Will to talk a little about the program I am just finishing up and BJ reminded me that I felt the same way last November at the end of my season. Will reminded me too that feeling like I never wanna look at another hammer after all the games I did this year was a normal reaction.

I do love this place...Zia...the people obviously, not the place.

So...I did go to practice this weekend...and I actually threw, I didn't just lay in the grass and whine about throwing.  I pulled these nasty things out too....

The blades have been replaced with longer ones....but the boot is the same.  Got some coaching on my WFD turn too...I'll see...

My program ends upon my return from Tucson...and then....I go back to.....Crossfit.

Ok, get all the jokes out now....

done?

Ok...fire off the criticisms of the "cult of Crossfit" and how much crossfitters suck.....

done?

Ok....post those crossfit fail videos.....

got it?

cool.

Bottom line....I am going back to CF classes for 9 weeks...then we will sit down and look at what I wanna do next year.  This program BJ had me doing was the right thing for me to do...and I only missed a few days here and there toward the end of the program.  Which for those of you who knew me before all this athletic shit came into my life, know what a change that is for me.  So I trust him...and well...like I just wrote...I kinda miss CF right now.  I am sorta done lifting alone in the corner....I am ready to whine and complain IN class.  Um,  I mean, I am ready to go back to classes....

I know it is gonna kick my ass in a whole different way....'cause trust me this program kicked my ass...  Shit today I had 3x2 front squats and I did them at 205.  That....kicked...my....booty.

I am still trying to get my food in line.  It mostly works to have one day a week when I eat what ever.  This weekend was...well....never mind what I ate.  My goal for the off season (IF I go back) is to get back in my first kilt.  I don't own a scale so I am just going by my kilts.  I am just too....puffy...chubby?  Fat?  ...HA!

I am planning on a couple of chats with a couple of throwers to talk goals and plans and whatever else me may look at.

Tucson is next and last...two weeks.  Should be fun....it always is!

not sure what to say....

Just a thank you.

Been thinking about how and if I should write this blog for a few days...and I get no where....I know I have written about anniversaries before and the weight they can hold. 

All I know right now, looking back a year is that I knew, without a doubt in my mind, that I could not and would not survive.

I was wrong.

I was wrong mainly because I had no idea how many people would hold me up and give me time and love and space to heal.

My sister Pat
My boss Lois
Faith & Chris
Zoi
Karen
Heather
Vanessa
Chadney
Rod
Grant
Jim & Keli
Sarah
Michelle & Sarah
Grace & Chris
Lora
Cat
Beth & Shannon
Kegan & Genevieve
Juli
BJ
Will & Leann
Cindy & Cody
Gilbert
Quinn
Mikaela & Topper
Kate
Crow
Gwyn
Lisa B
Rick
Paul
Dan
Bronwen
Leslie
Lisa P
Donna
Zia Crossfit
and every single person who sent me to Scotland.
and everyone else who I forgot....because as I look at this I know I have forgotten some.

In big ways...in ways you might not even know, you all helped me not just survive but to grow.  

I have nothing but gratitude, oh and love,  lots of love.

Rest week

I know I could have/should have talked to my coachy~coaches before I did it. But I am "resting" this week.

The other times I have done this I felt itchy and anxious to get back at it, this time, not so much. Guess I picked a good time.

Those of you who know, know that this is a weird tricky time right now.  Only because...well...I guess if I let it, which I was. But whatever, dates are dates and anniversaries only hold as much power as you give them. So...I hiked on Sunday and I did yoga yesterday.

 Yeah...yoga.

 Ness sent me that famous "Craig's list yoga mat for sale" thing last week...yeah....

Yoga Mat for sale

This class was a little different, same instructor.  I wasn't so bothered by the "not coming and fixing every last placement of every body part" thing this time.  She said something about being less rigid and doing what feels right for each person. That I can deal with. I had to keep reminding myself when we started that I was CHOOSING to be there.  I was letting myself get anxious...I was getting dizzy going from upside down to standing...my feet seemed very interesting...and well, I had to fart. Yeah, whatever. As soon as I came into the space, I had to fart. Do you know how frightening yoga can be when you feel the need to fart? Downward dog was terrifying. It was all I was thinking about.

Then I tried to just connect to my breath and I had trouble.  I am still holding my breath...a lot.  I mean not every day I don't think, but maybe...maybe, just maybe that is why I knew I wanted to try this...more for the breath crap than any stretching.

And no I am not sore...and no, I didn't fart. And yes...I will go again next week, as long as Ness doesn't wanna slap me by then.

I get to drive to Oklahoma on Friday to see my son in a show...Get to hang with Heather & Marwin...then back on Sunday.  Then I'll head back to the gym on Monday....

Gotta set some goals and I gotta...well...breathe.

Not alone...not alone...

Contemplating a week off...just cause....stress...and laziness.

And I found this...so I am sharing.  

8 Practical Steps To Getting Over Your Impostor Syndrome

If you feel like a fraud, you're not alone. Follow these eight steps to reverse the cycle of self-doubt.

By Mike San Román

 

Impostor syndrome is much more common than you’d think--over 70% of people have experienced it at one time or other in their lives.
It is known that lots of entrepreneurial and high-achieving women have it, but I’ve also found that it’s pretty common in men, too.

Impostor syndrome is a psychological phenomenon in which people are unable to see their own accomplishments, dismissing them as luck, timing, or as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent and competent than they believe themselves to be.

In fact, it seems like people in the software or online industries present lots of cases of impostor syndrome
The speed at which technologies grow means you learn new things in almost every project, and that may make you feel like you are not performing as you should (or that you aren’t in control of what you are supposed to be an expert in).
When problems start to arise, lots of times they are already solved by somebody else. In environments like that, it’s easy to feel you aren’t smart enough.
I’ve felt like this sometimes. Receiving positive input about my performance or work, and not believing it just because what I did was easy, or I got lucky. Or I just dismissed those opinions, thinking that if a real expert came in and looked at what I had done, he would show everyone that I was a fraud.
When that fear strikes, you start thinking that everyone is smarter than you, that there are lots of things that you don’t know that everyone else already knows, and that they are expecting you to know them, too.
But there are ways to reverse this cycle and overcome impostor syndrome. Here are eight steps that can help.

8 steps to overcoming impostor syndrome

1. Recognize that it exists.
2. When you receive positive feedback, embrace it with objectivity and internalize it. By denying it, you are hurting that person’s judgement.
3. Don’t attribute your successes to luck.
4. Don’t talk about your abilities or successes with words like “merely,” “only,” “simply,” etc.
5. Keep a journal. Writing your successes and failures down gives you a retrospective insight about them, and re-reading them makes you remember equally both of them.
6. Recognize that the perfect performer doesn’t exist, and that problems will pop up eventually. Take them as little fires under you that make you move forward.
7. Be proud of being humble.
8. Remember that it’s okay to seek help from others, and that even the best do it.

Extra tip by Hackbright Academy’s blog: Accept the fact that there are things that you do not know, there are things that you will never know and there are things that you can decide to learn.
A beginner’s mind can be a very big advantage!

Thoughts after last night....

So,  I went to yoga last night.

I am a convert.  I swear I did not know how to breathe or move or BE before this class.  I have given BJ notice to cancel my membership at Zia and I am praying the last few years of lifting and throwing hasn't ruined me for yoga.....

So, I show up in the parking lot, the class is held at the Photo Eye Gallery....and I meet Ness.  We mat down next to each other and I immediately apologize for the skepticism that is ooooozing off of my skin.  The teacher is Kim....seems nice enough, she's a bigger girl like me which is cool.  It is a big class....but that is ok.  The thing I notice the most, is that many of the poses are things I already know and already do.  I am not completely new to this after all. I am a lot more flexible than I give myself credit for as well. Also....lots of these yoga poses have clearly been adapted by the mobility folks as well, as I am doing shit I do for warm ups.

It was ok until my attention started to go to the patterns on the floor, the mat, my own foot. 

It was sooooooo looooooong.

I am also perhaps too social for this thing....I also could have used more guidance.  I know that a pose held wrong can do more harm than good.

I suppose though, I could use some more of this quiet meditative type movement.  It would also do me some good to look at the reasons I am thinking yoga might be a good addition to my training.  

I know it might help my core (so do deads and squats), increase flexibility, calm my over~charged mind.   So...something in me is bucking hard against this. Is it because it is such a Santa Fe thing to do? Is it my prior experiences with nasty yoga teachers?  Is it just 'cause I gotta be a pain in the ass about SOMETHING?  Yet still...I am the one proposing to to myself...HA.

So....I told Ness...a couple more classes with Kim and we are gonna check out that Blue Moon place people have recommended and perhaps a few more too. Frankly the people were fine, the teacher was sweet, so I got nothing to bitch about for my first foray back into yoga.  It was just....yawn...but that's my problem, not yoga's problem.

I think if she will put up with me I am gonna ask Ness to help me stick with this 'til the end of the year.  Then I'll have time to see if I am getting what I think I want from it. 

Crap....I guess I need a yoga mat....

Little things and mostly not enough....

I know I am supposed to be writing about my trip, the games; I did a little....sigh.  I really should have written as I went.  Cause this is likely to be either a rambling mess....or super short with nothing but numbers....


I worked out today....I could start with that.
Push Press
Dumbell Snatches 
One leg box jump things.
Curls.  (yeah Curls)

Found out that my kids show is next weekend...ONLY next weekend and no show on Thursday, which means I am gonna miss Aztec. Bummer....but I can't wait to see him in a show.  He wasn't cast at all last year so it has been a while.  Gonna be a quick trip...lots of car time...my butt hurts already.  

 hmmmmm  how does one sum up the games in Scotland....Juli has already done it better than I....the nerves, the chatter about it might not be a fun group, the fear that was placed on us after a couple of the groups hit the WOB and broke a bunch of boards....I know I got caught up in that mess too...forgetting that it doesn't matter if it's a knock off bar or not, cause it is supposed to to OVER the bar....also the crazy beautiful river next to our first event, the generous ladies in our class, the weather that moved in on the second day, the judges that were just...YES....the field, the people, the family, the other throwers who hung out with our class....the absolute fun we had....each of the days, but especially on the last day....dancing on the field....judges too.


Day 1- LH, HH, Caber
Day 2- BS, OS, LWD, HWD
Day 3- WOB


Michaela Pennekamp - Nordrheinwestfalen, Germany
Juli Peterson, Wauwatosa, Wisconsin
Stephanie Lathrop, Orting, Washington
Kenna Halsey, Portland, Oregon
Gretchen Yoder, Salem, Oregon
Petra Mueller, Ludwigsburg, Germany
Becky Wissink, Fredericksburg, Virgina
Meike Stoeffler, Ludwigsburg, Germany
Victoria Wechter, Oregon City, Oregon
Edie Lindburg, Parker, Colorado
Allison Daniel, Midlothian, Virginia


I have thrown with some of these ladies before...some are new to me.  Learned something from Allison that I will carry with me, "Gotta find your starting point."  She had been in a devastating car wreck 3 years ago and she is just now getting back to throwing.  Just for that....she rocks,  I know way too many of us shut down, stop, or just move on when there is something in our lives that turns everything on its ear.  She trains horses and she said she needed to remind herself of the concept of  a starting point after an injury that she allows her horses.  She needed to allow the same for herself.  And you know what? She threw really well!  I also took this in.  I know you all know what a challenge the last year/year and a half has been.  I guess I need to allow myself a starting point too.  I know I have written about how I am coming out of the "hermit phase" of things....but I am realizing that I am not all there yet...(well, I'll never be ALL there HA)

If I am honest though, the first day of the games I had a rough start to my day.  I could feel that pull of wanting to run, or hide.  That feeling like I was a fraud...that I don't belong with all of these women, that they would find me out, and politely ask me to leave so that a real athlete could have my spot...a worthy woman.  I spent a large chunk of the morning working mobility....fighting nausea until I remembered that DUH you are here by choice and this shit is fun.  The deal I made with myself before I came was to just throw what I throw, to not judge myself (plenty of others doing that, you know actual judges), and to have fun.  When I got to the field I found Michaela...she was just as nervous as me...maybe more so.  And I remembered all those promises....we held each other for a bit....I told her how much I have always LOVED to watch her throw.

Did I throw my best that weekend? Yes.  Did I throw everything well? Hell no.  WFD got me all tangled.  I have no idea why I fell apart so bad...not just heavy, but light too.  But...I was happy with Stones...no shoulder pain! Some how I managed a 1st in open.  yeah....I just wrote that.  After the event, Mark W came over and gave me something to work on for the off season.

Hammers?  wow.  I don't know what happened.  My first throw of the first day was a bomb.  Easy, fast, and long.   When they measured and measured again I thought I'd my crap my pants.  I said to Edie..."I don't care what happens the rest of the day...I am DONE!"  Then heavy hammer? Same freaking thing....Some day though, it would be nice to have the last throw best throw thing....I really didn't care what else happened during the weekend, which is why I wasn't all too disappointed with WFD. Plus I got to watch both Juli and Michaela throw and even though their form is radically different...they are beautiful. Just beautiful.

The caber was cabery....Top heavy and fun to try and negotiate.

WOB was WOBy....we all seemed super nervy...but after everyone was in people threw great...PR's all over the place.  I was thinking I'd see someone hit 20....I really did.  I was just hoping to get on the board, because 3 days of throwing had sorta done me in.  I have such a hard time just throwing it when it gets high.  I know I have more in there....but I get in my own way and try too hard.  Michele was laughing at me about that...."when it is right it is easy, stop trying so hard"...true.

 Got deep on that one, but I bet I could drop dat ass more.

 You can see on this miss that I pull too soon.

Really though, these two videos taken by Sean are just...um cool.  The light...I mean yeah.

I tried to remember something Mark Buchanan told me in Pleasanton, "you have to start believing you are an athlete, Mona." I am trying Mark...

All in all....and you can see it in some of the photos...I was so happy....such great people..such such support...such love.

Now that I am home again?  Huh....I saw a post from Terri V...She's got her goals for her off season....I don't.  I don't know what I am going to do.

I have a major thing at work that will pull all my extra time....and....I just don't know.  I have a fantasy that somehow I can get some training from someone who knows a shit load more than I do...but I am in NM....I think for now I need to focus on:

1. Dialing in my food again.

2. Accepting what Mark told me.

Maybe in a couple weeks I'll figure something else out.....but for now....I still need a nap.

Quick notes

I knew I should have written as I went along...but I didn't...so there it is....

I am uber tired today and also needing to catch up at work, so this is gonna be a quickie.


Learned a couple of travel lessons:

1.  If I use a city as a "layover spot" I need to stay at least a full 24 in the middle of the travel days.  We shorted ourselves on both Glasgow and Edinburgh...which we sorta knew would happen, but we were too fried post games to hit the Kelpies on the way back and simply ran out of time.

2. I love trains.

3. I had a hell of a time understanding the Scots....I did not, however struggle with Irish speakers...I realized the second day in Scotland, I was asking people to repeat CONSTANTLY...I had a thought about language that day...my brain was able to "fill in" what I thought was coming next while listening to the Irish, but my ears/brain got ahead of me with the Scots...the next day I actually thought to myself..."slow down your listening"  it worked...weird.

4. We ate at the same place in Dublin 3 days...hahahaha....it was tasty.

5. I love trains.

6. Learned how much better informed the average person on the street is in Ireland and Scotland than I am....Sitting in a cab, more than once talking not only detailed history, but trade and economic impacts on both Scotland and Ireland of the vote today, was eye opening.

7. The Scots were, on average, larger...I didn't feel like such a freak.

8. Scottish judges in the games? They rock beyond words...dancing on the field...teasing us....the love of sport and life in general was palpable.

9. Did I mention trains?

10. Ok beef....yes, beef, the "it's whats for dinner" stuff.  I thought I knew beef...I am, after all a carnivorous American....and I am next to Texas and well, NM has some kick ass grass fed producers.  So, I had not thought much about eating beef in this trip.  I noticed though, that in Dublin, lots of restaurants put right on their menus, "our beef is from Ireland." Yeah yeah whatever I thought...that is until we had some steak.  Now we never really ate anywhere but pubs...well once in Scotland we ate a little fancier...but this was "pub" meat.....I have to tell you....the Irish know how to raise some damn cows.  Holy Moly....I know...right, but I am dead serious...

11. I am gonna miss black pudding and haggis too, not as much as the beef...but yes....that stuff rocks. Any one who says "British" food sucks...I have no idea where they ate, cause...um, no.

12. Coffee? mmmmmmm so good.

13.  Learned more than I expected about whiskey...we only got to one distillery (which messed up awards for the games! sorry~more on that later), but I learned so much from bartenders, that it will change my drinking habits forever.

Ok....back to the 500+ emails at work...I'll write about the games soon....

mmmmm   beef......

First couple O'days here...(see what I did there?)

Initial little observations.....

Dublin is a very cool walkable place.....good thing too cause I had a few Guinness and some cheese cake and lots of "Irish  breakfast". Guinness seems to own EVERYTHING and they really know how to market their shit. The VIP tour was a hoot.  Found out that if you serve Guinness in Ireland...they maintain the taps and lines and so forth. I think that's why it tastes better.

Dubliners move fast! It's a city people...move over....oh, I have not gotten the hang of looking left before I cross the street....I am gonna get hit.

The people here are very helpful too, had two people stop and help us find what we were looking for, cause if you think the streets in Santa Fe are messed up. They ain't got nothing on Dublin....

I feel like a giant here....like a freak.  HUGE doesn't even begin to cover it, I mean, I know I'm heavy right now and struggling with some old body issues...but I am not just talking about being a little more padded than the people here....I tower over everyone....

Odd. I hope I get over this feeling like a huge freak thing soon.

I loved the hotel I booked on line....we got in to Dublin at 5AM, a tricky time to get in, got to the hotel a little before 7AM and the hotel...opened a room...no charge...sweet....spent the next 7 hours walking the city, looking at churches, museums.  I was determined to stay awake.  Unfortunately, we went to the hotel restaurant for a sandwich and I fell asleep....sitting in a chair...other than that...the lag thing is manageable.

In Scotland today...holy shit holy shit holy shit....I was thinking I loved the hotel in Dublin...it has nothing on this place in Glasgow...walking distance to the botanic gardens....beautiful area...beautiful architecture....on the third floor...it's a full freaking apartment...and it was NOT expensive...

Glasgow...I have one night here and it feels....unacceptable.  I don't know how I'll do it, but I must spend a week here....oh, after walking the gardens, we saw a church....I love peeking in when I can, love the opulence, the craftsmanship, but people were sitting in the courtyard...peeked in and the sign said "Whiskey Bar." Fun restoration....full restaurant...live music venue where the altar would have been.

Tomorrow will be our first foray into the country side....just the way the trip got structured. I am seeing tons of photos from people on Facebook...ruins, castles, rivers, stones, sheep....

I'm am looking at a whole different thing.  Like I said...it just worked out that way....maybe it's cause I am a city girl deep down......I do look forward to having a longer stretch of time to explore Inverness...see some countryside....oh and throw...yeah.

Been foam Rollin', lacrosse balling, working with the rubber band thing...and yeah WALKING....a shit ton.

I get one day in  Edinburgh....I'm sure I will regret the short day here too~then back to Dublin...  

I already know I wanna come back....how I have missed this sort of travel.  I mean I have been traveling for games the last few years, but it is so different.  I know, I know, this is for a game too...but there is so much more to it than that.  There is a little piece of that fearless girl that I am nurturing on this trip....she deserves that.

Late and short

A reminder:

2013
Braemer  22'2"
Open       26'6" 
HWFD    45'9" 
LWFD    61'10"
HH         64'
 LH          85'6" 
WOB      19'2"

2014
Braemer  24'3"  Wow...nice jump if I say so myself.... it's a big rock too.
Open       29'5.5"  huh.. 
HWFD    38'10"  yeah...I just wrote that....I fouled TWICE...and barely stayed in on this one.  why? I have no clue....it was just...off.  The next event was heavy hammer, so I just shook it off and got a big throw on the hammer.  But this throw really really bugged me ALL day.
LWFD    63'9"
HH         70'4"
LH          84'7"
WOB      19'


No pr's, but a couple of season bests.  Challenge caber on day 2 I got three 12 o'clocks~crazy.   Took a shot at the championship caber...hahahahahahahhah.

85 pounds, made of metal.

Yes. Metal.

I picked it twice, first go at it was maybe 40 degrees.  I was happy.

Even though I didn't get any pr's and it seems unlikely I will be killing my numbers any time soon, I was pretty happy with my throwing...well, except that heavy weight.  I have no idea...ugh.

My friend Mark got a world record this weekend.  We laughed that he didn't even KNOW what the record was and it was probably a good thing he didn't....because he just threw. We were all talking about just how many "Western" throwers are gonna be in Scotland next weekend too....

Shot for 20 on WOB the first day...hit the bar...but no go....second day...19'6"   Same deal.  Just could not close the deal...again....

I thought seriously about giving myself a rest week this week...I am tired, but then I remembered that I leave for Scotland on Sunday and will not be "training" before the games start...so that will have to be my rest week.  I think all of the walking will do wonders for me...and hopefully my stress levels too.  The worst piece of my training right now is sleep...sigh.  Nightmares have returned and sleep had become elusive.  Once that falls off, my eating goes to Hell in a Handbasket too.

I wish I had made the time to write sooner...there were so many great things last weekend.  Went shopping with Shannon, Steph, and Beth...which was a hoot! I got to see Kerry & Paul.  Got to hang out with Matt and Pam at their place with their kids and some friends.  I had two people make me cry on the field.  Yeah...I'm such a classy athlete.

I am also struggling with body image again too....sigh...

I have some big things I have to work on after I get back from Scotland too...and I wanna just let them go until I get back.  But I can feel them nipping at me.

I am hoping to write a little more....write while I am traveling. 

I am nervous too...not just about flying, which I LOOOOOVE (said while rolling my eyes)....but I am feeling that old stuff again..that fear of disappointing all of the people that support me....the kids, the NM throwers, Grant, BJ, Chuck, Will, the list goes on and on....so I have to remind myself....remind myself that I am still grateful that I can just freakin' move.  Grateful too, that so many people have made it possible for me to throw...and throw in Scotland for god sake.  I have said it before...just being on the field...that's a win in my book.

Growing old.

Most everyone already knows that Lois passed away yesterday. 

People better qualified than I have said and will continue to say things about Lois in ways that I cannot. 

I told Scott yesterday that even though she was what the world might see as "old," to me, she was immortal. Which makes her sudden passing, shocking.

My first piece with her was when I was in my 20's; my last...in my 40's.  I did some of my best work with her....and we also struggled together as artists.....because she was such a pro, we worked through those struggles together.

Because of Lois, I know that being old....is really a choice.


A choice she never made.


I can only hope I can do 1/10 of the things she was doing as my life continues to march on.

And I know without a doubt, that I am a better artist~mother~woman because I was blessed enough to cross paths with her spirit in this life.

Journey on dear Lois and do it exactly as you want.

Rosters and and numbers and blah blah blah.

My next game is labor day weekend.  I have to confess...I love Pleasanton. I have Michelle Crownheart to thank for introducing me to Steve and these games.  I must admit these are a tricky games to attend this year...the following weekend I get my ass on a plane for Scotland. Although, I cannot see missing these games as long as I keep getting an invite.  They are a hard one...2 days, challenge events...and I frankly have a history of choking at high pressure games.  I STILL have not figured out how to use the energy of the crowd to my advantage....I tend to throw better at games that are tiny and low pressure.  Perhaps, I can still learn.  I mean, I KNOW  I have written about his before! 

The last two years...these have been the games I have trained for.....I have thrown at least one PR each year.

So, here they are, My numbers from 2013 in Pleasanton:

Braemer  22'2"
Open       26'6" 
HWFD    45'9" 
LWFD    61'10"
HH         64' 
 LH          85'6" 
WOB      19'2" 


Jeepers...that Light hammer! Still my best ever; as is the WOB. 


Should be interesting.  My goals? Stay freaking relaxed....stay low.....lay it all out on the field. 


Wanna see who I am throwing with?

Women’s 40+ Masters Class:
#344 Michelle Crownhart – Phoenix, AZ
#345 Karyn Dallimore – New Westminster, BC, Canada
#346 Jeannette Grace – Santa Rosa, CA
#347 Mona Malec – Santa Fe, NM
#348 Shonda Mulrey – Oakley, CA
#349 Kym Ross Pollard – Olivehurst, CA

Lucky me huh?!?

Guess who else I get to hang with for 2 days?

 Women’s Open Class:
#332 Adriane Wilson-Blewitt – Irmo, SC
#333 Kate Burton – Silverdale, Washington (tentative)
#334 Beth Burton – Chico, CA
#335 Bethany Owen – San Jose, CA
#336 Heather MacDonald – Torrance, C
#338 Kristy Scott – Ellensburg, WA (tentative)
#341 Stephanie Robbins – Chico, CA
# UK Meagan McKee

What what?

I usually go out for a longer visit so I can see Kerry and Jane, but I can't do it this year....next year ladies, I hope I can bug you for a really long visit.

Worked with Paul yesterday...he was actually complimentary about the mobility in my shoulders, elbows, and wrists.  Nice...and he didn't bug me about my hips!

I will get to practice this weekend...cabers and stones.  oh stones....

Vivi started school this week and some how made it the whole week without  too much drama...you know she is 14.  Next week, poor kid...she gets her spacers...then braces...  She knows it's gonna hurt and be a pain in the ass, but she is very clear about wanting the teeth fixed. 

It's all process. 

Yup...gotta go through some painful growth to get the things we really want and need.

home again, home again,

Jiggity Jig...

Tuesday...

I have pulled something in my back.  Getting out of bed.  SIIIIIIIIIIGH.

Monday:

Front Squat:

3x5 at 135  I know light, light but speedy

Jerks:

5x2 at 115  wheeeee.

Good Mornings:

3x10  at 65

Pull ups...

Used the green band..but it is time to move to the blue.  Which will suck, but if I am honest....the green are all coming very easily...so, yeah.  Back to sucky hard "pull ups."

I wonder if by November, which is the end of my program, I will actually "get" one pullup!  eh...probs not...but I think I could get my giant ass up on the thin black band.

BJ has also started a Zia fund raiser for me.  He had this shirt designed and is selling them to help me with expenses for the Scotland trip.  25 bucks...isn't that something?

When he first told me he wanted to do this for me, I just thought to myself, "Why?" If you only knew how much you already do for me, have done for me....jeeez, the fact that you took me seriously a couple of years ago when we first met at the weightlifting competition....that you took my sport seriously....that you pushed me to get BIGGER and STRONGER than I ever imagined this mid-life body could get....that you write programming just for me....that you come to my games...that you gave my sport a go yourself....you have no idea what the means to me....especially the timing of all of it as I splayed myself out kicking and screaming though some of the worst times in my life.

ZiaCrossFit Facebook Page

And then I thought, who am I to tell him he "shouldn't?"

I have somehow managed to discover a kind of family in Zia....a kind of a home.

Which gets me thinking about home.

What is home?  I saw a post from the eldest monkey upon his return to school..."I am finally home."  I had a minor little pang, but I get it.  I actually thought at different points that I might make Oklahoma home as well.  Hell, it is home because when I am with Heather..I am home.

Even in this new little shabby apartment, I have begun to feel at home.

I feel at home when Vivi props her feet up on me when we watch TV.

I feel at home with my "theater bitches."

I feel at home on the field and in the gym.

The list is too long for me to keep going~ Bottom line? I feel home when I feel loved or respected or cared for with people who accept care, love, and respect from me as well. Even when we get angry, even when we fail each other, even when we make mistakes. 

noun

noun: home; plural noun: homes

1.

the place where one lives permanently, especially as a member of a family or household.

synonyms:

origin, source, cradle, fount,   fountainhead

I think I really like the synonyms for the word home best...... Source....cradle....yeah.

Warning....

Ramblings ahead....

In Denver after the game we went to a place called Euclid after the game. Some of the best food and service I have had....ever.  Had Chips & Dip.....I had been craving nachos earlier...but these were not nachos.

Chips and Dip, lemon goat cheese dip, oolong tea smoked duck breast, duck confit, Kennebec potato chips, baby dill, extra virgin olive oil. 

The smoked duck was...get this....FROZEN.  Sliced so paper thin...the contrast was stellar.

Then they had both mustard & pickle samplers.  Yes.  6 different kinds of mustard served with pretzel rolls~and a plate of pickles....Squeeee.

I got a little excited.  I was just silly.  I get a little excited about this kind of stuff.  I love cheese plates and sausage plates and samplers of all sorts.  For some reason, these pickles just let my joy out into the room.  Well....not just the pickles. 

I am trying something about my food.  Had started the whole 30 with the knowledge that the Highlands ranch games were right at the two week mark.  I actually didn't stray too far...except for the pretzel rolls...and a piece of sour dough toast. 

I think I am going to eat like what I call "whole 30ish" between games and allow myself whatever I want the day of a game.  Scotland is, of course, an exception...the whole freaking trip.  After the season is over I think I am gonna see how one cheat meal a week feels.  Who knows. All I know is that I feel huge right now.....and old.  No I don't feel old, I look old.  HA!

Speaking of Scotland,  I will be there in less than month. 

In addition to the work I am doing in the gym, I have also decided I need some help.  I have reached out to a couple of awesome folks.  My friend Gwyn is working on me this week and the week between Pleasanton and Scotland.  Paul has been scheduled for next week. Dan will be putting his hands on me the week following Paul. I always seem to have this problem of waiting until I am way into my pain cave before I ask for help....I have entered the cave so to speak, but I am jumping on it now and I am also engaging with all three of these fabulous folks, scheduling them all right now, appreciating each of their unique gifts as body workers.

OH....I hopped on the rower on Tuesday...part of the crazy warm ups BJ has me do.  1000 meter row on Tuesdays.  I felt crappy on Tuesday...CRAPPY.  I really didn't even wanna go to the gym.  I got on and I hit a pace and it didn't seem horrible.  So I kept on it.  Ended up with a 3 second pr on the 1000 meter row.  4:14.  My prior 4:17 was set when I was way lighter and going only Crossfit, long before I ever found Highland Games.  It was very surprising.  Perhaps I am not as far gone in regard to my conditioning as I thought...Even if I feel thick and slow and chubby.....I can still row as fast as I did when I was lighter and quicker. 

Talked to Faith too about "peaking."  I am sorta worried that I may have peaked in Pike's Peak (HA!) She was really smart about it though...1. You can't predict a peak. 2. Getting great throws right now would potentially be my peak and could potentially catch me on the down side at the moment I want to peak.  3. The prior "peak" is park of a larger cycle I may not be able to see yet.

Still...my main goals for Scotland? Have fun. Be grateful. Throw the best I can. Perhaps finish in the top 5.

Have fun and be grateful need to be applied liberally to all areas of my life. 

Feelings...ugh.

Monday:

A max 10 rep back squat.

and 5x3 jerks.

and other stuff too.

Um, 10 rep max? That sucks.  ew.  ew.  ew.

I asked Will for some guidance.  He suggested trying 80% of 1 rep max.  Which would have been 275.  So...I look at the % chart and decide to try for something between 60% and 80%.  205-275. Will also let me know the best way to warm up for such a task.

I did NOT get to 275....I loaded 220....got them done....sweating and pushing and cursing....but I did it.   Man that sucked.

I ended up going light on the jerks...pull ups getting easier though.

Tuesday:

Warmed up and threw...not much, not much.  I am hurting.  My neck is wacky. Shoulder...blurgh.

Frankly....I'm sad.

There it is.

My son is leaving for school on Saturday.  Vivi goes back to school on Monday.

I can't even form words about how I feel about all of that right now.  I only have one thought.  I have only been in my own little place for a month and a half.  It feels like everything is starting to settle out, separate, get organized, come in to some sort of focus.

and.  I.  am. sad.

even though I am happier.....see...how the hell can I write about that?  hahaha.

Today:

I went at noon.  So, right now at Zia they are going though a "testing" phase.  It is very cool to see the work people are putting in, how the pr's are blowing up.  As I was watching everyone workout, I had a moment when I realized that I really don't work out any more.  And it made me smile.

Power clean & jerk  5x2  105
Push press                5x3  105
Sinle leg box jumps  5x5
DB curls                   3x8  35

Funny story about the dumbell curls...two weeks ago I had the curls in my workout, but the class also had a something they were doing with dumbells.  When I went to grab my 25 pounders....they were gone....uh oh...no 30s either.  Only the 35.  Sigh...I can't lift that. The choices were to skip the curls or just do as many as I could.

So, I did what I could, which turned out to be all 3 sets of 8.  It was hard for me, but there I was again, thinking I couldn't do something when I could.  So, well, I couldn't go back now, could I?

So 35 it is.....It's still hard, and I make waaaay too much noise when I lift. 

In other life sorts of news...I am reading a play that I might do and I am gonna be part of a poetry reading....more on that later...'cause the poetry reading is gonna be cool.  Part of a premiere of a movie about the life of Jimmy Santiago Baca

A Daily Joy to Be Alive

No matter how serene things
may be in my life,
how well things are going,
my body and soul
are two cliff peaks
from which a dream of who I can be
falls, and I must learn
to fly again each day,
or die.

Death draws respect
and fear from the living.
Death offers
no false starts. It is not
a referee with a pop-gun
at the startling
of a hundred yard dash.

I do not live to retrieve
or multiply what my father lost
or gained.

I continually find myself in the ruins
of new beginnings,
uncoiling the rope of my life
to descend ever deeper into unknown abysses,
tying my heart into a knot
round a tree or boulder,
to insure I have something that will hold me,
that will not let me fall.

My heart has many thorn-studded slits of flame
springing from the red candle jars.
My dreams flicker and twist
on the altar of this earth,
light wrestling with darkness,
light radiating into darkness,
to widen my day blue,
and all that is wax melts
in the flame-

I can see treetops!

Jimmy Santiago Baca

23 and the Colorado Ladies

'member how I posted about having lost BOTH of my flasks in my most recent move?  Well, when I got to the field on Saturday, a little late mind you, I was greeted by Linda.  Linda is a new thrower, but she is really gonna be good.  She throws track & field events!  Ya see that pink flask?  She brought that too me because she didn't want me to turn in my Heavy Athlete Card just yet.   Frankly, the note made me a little weepy...lots of the other ladies were in on it too.  The Colorado folks? All  of these women....the throwers and the score keepers and the grand dame of the tee shirts are a whole special breed.  They have really made me wish there was a game in Colorado every weekend. 

I know I am not....but they have made me feel like part of their family.

So much cool shit happened at this game. 

First time they had a light weight class for women....5...yes 5 ladies in the class.  I think there were more masters throwers in the open class than ever before.  I watched a brand new master's lady throw her very first game.  All pr's! In our first even, sheaf, in a group of 13 women (yes 13!) more than half either matched or set a new pr.  Even me! 23'

The rest of my day was ok.  Got back to a 60 foot for the light weight for distance, 80+ on light hammer, 31+ on open stone.  Not sure why I am not making the jumps I had hoped for...I mean, I know any pr is a pr and in sheaf I am thrilled, but I am not having those kick ass games, you know? At least in my throws.  And, well, maybe I am at a plateau, and maybe I can't or won't find the time to really push through that....I am not saying I don't want to throw my best, I am just at a place where I have to acknowledge that there are a boat load of things happening in my life right now and I am choosing...I am choosing to focus on those things.  I know it sounds insane with Scotland around the corner, but sometimes trying to force focus else where...just....doesn't....work. 

I am thrilled I am going. 

I am so humbled by the support I have received.

I will throw the best I can those three days.

I have no desire to go out there and prove something, nor beat anyone but maybe walk away with a pr or two. Which...may not happen either.  This weekend, these women, were a great reminder of why I love this sport.

I do hope to make all the people who are sending me on this trip proud of me, but you know, I hope they know me well enough to know that I am proud to throw...proud to be strong...proud to stand on that field....proud that I have learned to be big and not shrink.

Thank you...thank you...thank you.