Back at Praxis

Got back to the gym yesterday. 

Felt ok....my knee isn't any worse off today than it was before I hit the gym, so I consider that progress.  BJ is being both cautious and pushing me, so of course there were squats, of the box variety...he just super set hem with calf stretches.  He also had me use the safety bar, but then I had 150 kettle bell swings....

I put a little more on the bar than I thought I might, so that felt good.....don't get excited...I put 100 pounds on it.  Still...that felt good too...

I will go back all week and just see where I am.  I also go back for more PT on Thursday.  I really get anxious working with her...it's the damn dry needle stuff...and the hammering...and the yanking me around with her assistant.....but whatever, I am trying. Eric over at Iron Soul is right, you get to my age and there is always something you need worked on.

Paul is coming to practice this week too, to do a workshop and to work on the throwers...I'm super excited about this.

Still don't know how this year is gonna shake out, but I guess we never do, do we.

Been wondering about something lately.  When someone, anyone, does something "wrong" and they say, "I take full responsibility for my actions." what does that actually mean? I mean, we can't go back and change it...so...does it mean, "I'll go ahead and feel guilty about this for how ever long."

Does it mean that you don't require the other party involved to look at their part in things, or at the nuances of "how things happen?"

I mean, I get it, how crappy it feels when you are on the receiving end of a "non" apology.  But how do I, or how does anyone "take full responsibility."  I mean, I can look at my life and say, "yes, I did that thing that caused hurt..." but what then.  I guess some of that means possibly letting go of ever being heard or understood by the people you hurt, it really is up to someone else to let that go too, isn't it? They don't have to...up to them.

And frankly, I am sorta sick of hearing how there are certain things that are deemed "THE WORST." Interpersonal relationships and much more complex than that.  But perhaps that is just a pile of excuses on my part...and that is me not "taking full responsibility."  Or perhaps my deeply ingrained Catholic guilt is simply winning after all these years.  No apology can ever be enough, because *I* was never enough.

Maybe that is why this is bugging me so much right now.  The "not good enough" shit that was given to me and that later in my life I CHOSE to keep all over my mind~body~soul is finally starting to peal away.

Sadly, it's like an old worn sweater that I keep thinking feels good, when it really just lets in the cold air and is frankly making my neck itch.  I will never be one of those MEMES:

I joke and like these and with I was more like this...but I'm not.

No bad ass warrior goddess viking strong don't fuck with me woman here. I love those of you who are...but I fall far short of that. I would like to stop feeling guilt or at fault for everything...even the big stuff I did, and do, and will do in the future...It would be good for me to let some of that go too.

Fire hose

From two different sources this weekend I heard the following phrase, "I feel like I have been drinking from a fire hose the last couple of months."

I'm not saying I've never heard that phrase before, but it is not a super familiar phrase. But it just sunk into me...

Perhaps I simply heard it for the first time if that makes any sense.

and...well....I, too, have been drinking from the fire hose.

As I was driving back from Denver on Monday...I realized that I've been choosing to stand in front of this fire hose for a long damn time.  Like, a couple of different one's, but none the less....choosing to "wharrgarbl" for years....

Yeah, I said it.  Years.

Some thins were not "mine", but I am still the one who chose to stand there.


ANYWHOOOOO...

I guess I should write about training...oh, I haven't been because I got hurt...again  (hi fire hose)

Or maybe my wacky dislocated fibula?

sigh...

Or Phoenix.

Oh...Phoenix.

That was something.  I think I am finally letting go...or something.  I was exhausted. I was on a film set until 11PM on Friday and then Grant picked me up and we (HE) drove all night to Phoenix. Grant took a 20 minute nap and we headed to the field.

And you know....I just had a lot of fun.  I saw people I miss a ton. I let go of expectations, of my throwing, of what other people say, or how I am supposed to be.

I just had fun again in the way I had fun when I had first started throwing.

That. Is. The. Best.

Ok...so I am going to the PT woman again today...Charlsey at Elite Ortho-Therapy ...see if we can get this knee back in where it is supposed to be.  She actually used a hammer last time.

Um

weird....ahhh.

And I wanna thank BJ....he worked with me again today...get me restarted...again...which as he said is better than nothing.

So I feel weak...and fragile.

But at least I don't have to stand in front of someone else's fire hose any more.

Numbers (again, lots of my old blogs are called this....)

I stumbled on this new site for highland athletes:

Highland Athlete Site

It is really nice, user friendly etc.  The interesting piece, as opposed to the NASGA score site, is that Dan has set up a place for athlete profiles.  Pretty cool.. It is super helpful because you can put in all time bests AND best for different classes....and also there is a place to track your lifts.

I tend to have little scraps of paper that get crumpled and lost and I never really know when I hit things or blah blah blah...So I think it will be a great tool to track that kinda stuff..

Ahhhh numbers...

glorious numbers....

ANYWHOOOOO

Since the scrap paper method wasn't really working, I spent some time combing thought NASGA and my Train Heroic App to gather...numbers. I probably spent too much time...but whatever...I am injured and crabby so sue me.  I saw something interesting....

I feel weak and shitty and generally weak...but guess what some of these numbers showed...well, lots of my best lifts were AFTER my heart surgery....and some of my best throws were too.

That's a weird discovery to me.

Huh....

I used to joke with Chuck that I had until 50 to get any sort of life time pr's on anything...and then after my heart surgery, I just figured I was pretty much, I dunno, needed to "let go". Or back off or who the Hell knows. 

Stupid too, cause I know some wickedly strong women over 50 who are setting the bar higher and higher for themselves every day. 

So what's the deal Malec? 

I mean I get the energy and the focus thing..I don't have it right now to focus on the games or lifting or even acting right now, but seriously?  I think it might have to do with that little ghost of my Father's death at age 49....

see....times up at 50.

Oh...well, I made it to 50...so.

What's next?

Stuff. (lots of my blogs are named this)

02/14/2018

Happy Valentine's Day!

So, I am not nearly as strong as I used to be.  I really am not.  My squat and dead lift are sad.

The kitty and I are sad, but I really am ok. I am not able to put in the work and you only get the results you train for. I also lost some weight last year and that shifts things as well.

But this programing BJ has me on to try to get me ready for the games has been good.  Lots of good work for shoulder protection and lots of "conditioning."

You know heavy fat athlete conditioning.  For example today I had to set a timer and do the following for 15 minutes:

7 dumb bell push press
7 Hex Press
7 Ring Rows.

See....a heavy athletes version of conditioning.  And it was.

The thing I was happy about today though was my Strict Press...had to work up to a heavy set of 3.

Now my best ever strict press one rep was 130...NOT IMPRESSIVE...to anyone but me.   Today, I did a set of 3 at 105!

I'm pretty happy with that.

I am trying to focus on throwing again, but it has been a challenge....lots of things have changed over the last few years and well, I only have so much time and energy. Frankly, the time and energy went where it needed to go.

At the end of 2016...when I did the Power Lifting meet I was in the 250's but my weight went up after I was unable to find other ways to deal with the sadness and stress of my oldest having cut me out of his life.  In March at the Phoenix Game I was about 262...sigh..strong, but I felt like crap and it was hard for me to throw at that weight.  We jumped on a challenge at Praxis and in 2 Months or so. I took off 20 pounds....I ended up losing more and got back into the low 220's by the Fall. 

I was holding that and feeling pretty good at the gym.  I had decided I did not have a weight in mind, I just want to feel strong and speedy when I throw. 

Well.....(there is always a well for me) ...lots of travel with Emery this year and a trip to New Orleans with Grant in October...and guess what, I took care of myself.  Then  (always a then) something happened after thanksgiving...I just packed on the weight...up to 241.

I just was not taking care of myself again.  I guess I could "blame" the Holidays, but I won't.  Grant nailed me this weekend when we were traveling..."You still don't think you are worth taking care of."

OK then...

So...where is the weight now?  High 230's...which is ok.  But here is the deal, I DON'T FEEL as good at this weight.  So....Mona....are you listening?

Take care of you.  DUH.

Thankfully Grant didn't say 'DUH' he said something like...these are deeply ingrained patterns, it's ok you are still struggling.

There Ya go.  The weight is just weight...it is only one measure...I know that...but it is a measure.  So here I go, 2 weeks to the start of my "season." If it turns out to be a real season? Who Knows?  I do know, I wanna feel better...I wanna feel good throwing....and lifting...so I would like to get back into the low 220-215...I feel good and still feel strong and I can eat more than fish and lettuce.

As for my expectations for throwing this year?

That's a blog for another day....

12/15/2016

The last time I was on Blogger...

Over a year ago.


I don't know that I am actually writing a blog right now either.  I suppose I am testing it out.

Those of you who know me, know me.....know that a few days after 12/15....12/19/2016, I received a devastating letter, all I could see when I would think about "blogging" was how do I face any of this...how do I put out there that I actually feel like dying...and not my hair.


So, I didn't write...I don't write. 


So much has shifted and changed, that I am sure I cannot, will not go back and relive it all.

Not sure what to say....even as I type this.

So....for those of you who have followed me before...I always appreciated your support, your comments, your humor, the time to gave me to ramble.

Maybe it is time to shut it down, or maybe it is ok to use this public forum to unscramble my brains a little...

kisses

mona