Felt ok....my knee isn't any worse off today than it was before I hit the gym, so I consider that progress. BJ is being both cautious and pushing me, so of course there were squats, of the box variety...he just super set hem with calf stretches. He also had me use the safety bar, but then I had 150 kettle bell swings....
I put a little more on the bar than I thought I might, so that felt good.....don't get excited...I put 100 pounds on it. Still...that felt good too...
I will go back all week and just see where I am. I also go back for more PT on Thursday. I really get anxious working with her...it's the damn dry needle stuff...and the hammering...and the yanking me around with her assistant.....but whatever, I am trying. Eric over at Iron Soul is right, you get to my age and there is always something you need worked on.
Paul is coming to practice this week too, to do a workshop and to work on the throwers...I'm super excited about this.
Still don't know how this year is gonna shake out, but I guess we never do, do we.
Been wondering about something lately. When someone, anyone, does something "wrong" and they say, "I take full responsibility for my actions." what does that actually mean? I mean, we can't go back and change it...so...does it mean, "I'll go ahead and feel guilty about this for how ever long."
Does it mean that you don't require the other party involved to look at their part in things, or at the nuances of "how things happen?"
I mean, I get it, how crappy it feels when you are on the receiving end of a "non" apology. But how do I, or how does anyone "take full responsibility." I mean, I can look at my life and say, "yes, I did that thing that caused hurt..." but what then. I guess some of that means possibly letting go of ever being heard or understood by the people you hurt, it really is up to someone else to let that go too, isn't it? They don't have to...up to them.
And frankly, I am sorta sick of hearing how there are certain things that are deemed "THE WORST." Interpersonal relationships and much more complex than that. But perhaps that is just a pile of excuses on my part...and that is me not "taking full responsibility." Or perhaps my deeply ingrained Catholic guilt is simply winning after all these years. No apology can ever be enough, because *I* was never enough.
Maybe that is why this is bugging me so much right now. The "not good enough" shit that was given to me and that later in my life I CHOSE to keep all over my mind~body~soul is finally starting to peal away.
Sadly, it's like an old worn sweater that I keep thinking feels good, when it really just lets in the cold air and is frankly making my neck itch. I will never be one of those MEMES:
No bad ass warrior goddess viking strong don't fuck with me woman here. I love those of you who are...but I fall far short of that. I would like to stop feeling guilt or at fault for everything...even the big stuff I did, and do, and will do in the future...It would be good for me to let some of that go too.
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