That’s on me….

 I set this up after all. 

I’m not a huge fan of the thinking that we “train” people how to treat us. It feels a lot like victim blaming in certain kinds of situations. 

But……..

I’m smack dab in the middle of something that really fits the bill…. I really did set this up. 

Last weekend in Pleasanton I noticed something. And /or I’m totally projecting. Either way the thoughts are the same. 

This is a super supportive sport, so much so, that people are always chatting about form, or tips or training issues.  It is great, especially for someone like me, who was not an athlete when I was young.  I came to this stuff late in life.  My friend Lisa used to say we had "adult onset athletic disorder."  I realized something at the game.  I wasn't having these conversations. In fact, I don't think I've been party to these kinds of conversations in quite some time.  

I just really noticed it that weekend.  Like I'd be chatting with another athlete and it's all good stuff, fun things, talking about games that are coming up, or questions about the game in Albuquerque,  and as I would move on; I'd hear snippets of the conversation starting up with the next person.  Generally it was training or form or other kinds of details.

I know how I sound....I don't mean too, but I just struck me in that moment.  Then I saw the posts,  all the videos, all the photos.  

Oh.  

Well...I see it now.  I rarely video, I generally only get photos of throws if other people take them, I basically never post videos of me throwing. I do however, post photos of me being, well, me....a fucking goofball.  

Case in point....the start of the day in Pleasanton, I am helping out judge plant the field record markers...and, well.....you can see for yourself.   

Clearly a serious athlete here....I do think it is funny and was happy Katy captured this video.  But, back to the first point I was making....I  am putting things out there that make me seem completely un~serious, so other folks on the field have no reason to think I am serious. 

During this game, I was testing out my injured hip; I was scared to throw, but I still broke two field records. Last weekend in Estes, I had two season's bests...

I do like talking training, I really do take this seriously, regardless of how I look.  Or my age.  Or the weird joy I always seem to lean into.

So what is my point?  I don't know.

Why is this bugging me a little right now?  I don't know. 

Perhaps some of it is that thing that happens as we age, the invisibility that shows up.   

Will I start posting training or throwing videos? Probably not....so I guess...I just gotta get over myself. 

Take my training as seriously as I care to and lean in to as much joy as I can experience these days and let go of what other people talk about or how they see me....oh....I know.  It has just been a challenge recently.

I'll keep trying. 

And I'll just keep being myself.