Proud of you....

 I used to listen to a pod cast, "Go Love Yourself," I only don't listen to this anymore simply because they ended it this year.  I really enjoyed the tone, the subjects, the humor of this pod cast.  Last year, one of the women, Laura, wrote a book.

Diet Starts Monday

She described the book release party. It was super sweet, they talked about choosing clothes, the insane butterflies that cause tummy troubles, then she talked about her Dad.  How he was off to the side, and it made her nervous that he was uncomfortable.  He came up to her at the end of the public portion, looked at her and said, "I am so proud of you."  

It moved her, even as a women in her 30's. 

I was listening in the car as I drove home and I had to pull over briefly.   Without warning, I was weeping. Openly, loudly, blocking my vision, kind of tears.

It was like my memories swiftly rewound.  I never heard those words from my Father.  Now he died when I was very young, so it's not like I did anything he might have been proud of.  I can remember bringing report cards to the freaking cemetery to "show" him. Looking back, I suppose I was wanting to hear him say he was proud of me.  That, there would be some sort of supernatural moment. Suffice it to say...ha, nope.

Then there is my Mom. 

Oh boy.

She is still here.

I've never done anything to make her proud of me either.  I've had the time with her...but nope.  Never heard that phrase or "felt" that either. Not for anything....truly. I could go into details, but really what is the point.

It's ok really.  I always try to imagine her as a dear little one, also never feeling like she was enough.

Poor little baby, seriously.

I know I am not alone in having parents like this...

I thought about how this led me to choose folks in my life that continued this "tradition." People who hated any success that I might have. How I then chose to chase approval, while never believing any praise that is sent my way. Then I thought of my kids, racking my stupid brains to remember times that I have told them how proud of them I am.  And I am...for so many things; but mostly, that they choose to live as their authentic selves in this insane world.

Then I cried more, thinking of the times I have blown off my adventure partner or a dear friend when they have expressed the very thing I crave.  I always come at him with, "Why would you say that?" I kept weeping when I realized in that short little moment on the side of the road...I can be be proud of myself and it doesn't mean I am some sort of narcissist.

I can be proud of some of the things I have done or can do.

It's way past time to stop looking for parental approval, I didn't even realize that that was what I was doing. Time to seek some sort of self approval. I can also make sure that I tell the people in my life when I am proud of them, even when it feels weird.  Ultimately, saying "I'm Proud of you" does not have to come only from our parents.  It seems odd now that I had believed that for 50+ years. 

In Fefor this year, I walked away from that Mountain Madness Comp feeling proud of myself...I walked away from that whole week feeling proud of myself...and I didn't even need to bring an award to my Dad's grave site to feel it.

Elizabeth Update....

 So....How'd it go Mona?

I had the game I trained for.  

I have another game in two weeks and will likely have a similar game.  I only have 6 weeks until Pleasanton and I am a little concerned that I am on the road to embarrass myself.  I do know though, that this was always going to be how this year played out.

Soooo, get over myself.

I had so much fun seeing the folks in Colorado. 

It was interesting, we had a pretty big group as we threw with the light weight women. The day started with Caber & height events.  Oddly enough, these events felt good...well, caber felt scary?  I have no idea why, but I go scared of caber.

FUCK.

What it that?  I love caber.  So freaking weird.

Now, distance? 

Oh holy hell.

Lost my damn two spin again...I mean I could for the light, but it SUCKED...then I took one extra on a heavy....after we were done, and it was fine.  SO it is there...

All I can say is my adventure partner cleared up the back yard, so....the goal is to throw at least one extra day.....I would rather commit to 2 extra days. As for now, I will work for one extra. 

We did have a lovely trip and cannot wait to get back up to the Colorado games next week.

 That's it, just a short short update not filled with many details.  But working on rebuilding a habit can happen best for me in tiny bites.

😊

Elizabeth

Long ago and far away, I used to write about the goals I would lay out for myself before a game.

So, here is a short check in. Mostly to get this writing habit a kick in the pants. 

We are headed to Colorado this weekend.  It is a small group of Masters women, all but one I know and have thrown with before.  I honestly cannot remember how many times I have been to this game. I do remember one year CJ riding a unicorn toy after we were done....but I cannot remember how many times we have gone.  It is the same weekend as Flagstaff, so there was always a choice to be made. Well, this year Flagstaff has only a demo for athletics so....there ya go.

Honestly, it was silly of me to sign up for these games so close to coming back from Norway, but whadda gonna do?

Goal, goal, goals....huh....um, I am still not feeling great and I JUST got back to the gym this week....and OH MY GAWD....the throwing area we have in the back yard is utter trash at the moment...so goals....

Maybe not fall down?

Ok Ok....focus on...FORM.  No number goals for me this time.  We head back to Colorado in like two weeks, so maybe I'll have goals then for numbers....

I have though, been working on my goals for the year. I did write down some super scary way the fuck out there numbers...because you know...why not.

I had this thought after Norway, that I always censor my goals to "what might be possible" and perhaps after all these years I could shoot for impossible goals and just see what happens. Don't get me wrong...The might be possible goals have often not been attained either...and sometimes they have functioned as a midway point sort of goal.  

They are good solid stepping stones.  But....what if....

Yup, this next year might just be the "What If..." year.

Been a long time again.

 Norway dreams and lessons.

 

Well, where the hell have I been?   Been busy....I did a crazy combo this spring, ADing the Rio Grande Games, then opening an original piece of theater with Grotessco two weeks later....So, things got shuffled and prioritized as they needed to be to give my energy where it was needed.

Writing my little bloggy blog fell into hibernation.  For the 6~8 weeks before the show, the gym took a back seat as well.  I also know that I haven't been writing with any sort of consistency in....probably 8 years...hahahahaha.  This will unlikely be the start of anything consistent either.

So, a week and a half after the show closed, my adventure partner and I set off for another trip to Norway...Fefor Power week.  You know that for us, there is something special there.  Last year was a little hard, I was injured, there were weird issues with another thrower, and I just felt...off.  Like I really didn't belong there.  

But we hopped a plane again.  This time I told myself a few things....I would use this time to rest, to learn, and to reconnect with my journal practice. Frankly, I would go for me...not worry about what I was there to "do" or worse, "prove."

I cannot get into all the details...it's an experience...not a series of boxes to check and report to others...but I will say this....

I did write again,  I rested well and did morning yoga with a beautiful group of women, I went to the room and napped; sadly I missed an award ceremony one of these days...I was SOOOOOO sad about that, my adventure partner and I reconnected in a very important way....most importantly, I feel like I was more, me, than I had been here before.  

I also tried the Mountain Madness event, which was a hybrid strongman/highland event.  WOB and 5 Strongman events...things I had never done before.  Now WHY I did this, I really don't know, but something in my tiny brain said "try."  Sarah and the athletes over at Evolution Strength and Conditioning, were willing to help this old highland games broad out and go over some basics so I didn't hurt myself, so I didn't go in completely blind.

But even with a few Saturday classes, I was so far out of my depth.  My goal was to "get" two of the 5 strongman events. There were 2 events a day. So glad they were spread out like that.

To say that I was scared each morning as walked out to the arena every day is an understatement. A good scared, but scared.  The strongmen out there so damn helpful with tips and tricks and even equipment.  

So, I have some video of the events, but I wanted to share this one in particular.  It is a Viking deadlift at 485lbs.  This is one of the events that I absolutely KNEW I could not do.

I got it...I actually "got" all five events.

As cool as this video is...there is a lot of what really matters that is NOT in this video.  What you don't see?

My warm ups, where I could not move that bar with less weight.

All the women giving me tips on how to get my knees set.

My wraps failing and Tenaya giving me her figure 8 wraps to use.

Me bracing and my silly non strongman approved weight belt ripping off.

Ilennis TAPING ME INTO MY WEIGHT BELT!

When I set up, the shear terror and thrill I felt...the sudden knowledge that I had to zero in in the judge, because he was giving me cues.  I could literally see on his face that he thought I could do this. 

As soon as I would start a lift, I would then look straight ahead and who got himself in my line of sight? My adventure partner who always knows I can do more than I think I can.

After the one minute was up...I got stuck in one of the figure 8 wraps and one of the guys rushed over...thinking I was passing out.  He then had to unstick me from my belt.   

Christine, who slid some candy in my line of sight, cause I was shaking.

All of the ladies...all of the folks watching...urging me on.

And once I was done, once I was done cheering for the rest of the competitors, the conversation I had with the judge...I thanked him.  For helping me through it.  He looked me dead ass in the face and said, "You are so strong."

That's it.  

No qualifiers, no "for a's" attached to it.

You are so strong.

Me....me, who always says, "for a fat ass...for an old woman...for a....whatever."

Nope, just strong...from one of the strongest there has ever been.  

 

 

Now I know what you might be thinking...Mona, other people have said that to you.

Yes, and I don't listen to them because they like me or love me or because I pay them....

But all these women who are strong...some of the freaking strongest...seeing me....seeing strength.

Oh boy...there's the lesson this year.  Thank you all....and a huge thanks to Kikki and Egil for making this space that this weird old highland games broad can come and discover something new about herself...something true about herself.