It's a long time....

 Yes yes...I know I post this photo every year...both on December 6th and on Father's Day.  For the longest time, it was the only image I had...But I have a few more now...at least on my computer.

 

This one is super old...well, not really, but look how young.  40 years ago this year, he died......The photo below is how I mostly how remember  him, I choose to...40 years this year with out a Father....some have less time, some have more.  I remember thinking 40 or so years ago, that he must have been old...after all he was dying, and it's a child's view point after all.  

This anniversary is one I generally nod to...I post a photo, I move on.  But 40 years seems a little odd.  Perhaps a good time to think a little more, pause a little longer, think on things that were, and things that never were. 

I am pretty sure I never saw him as a saint...I never held him up as something he never was...He was a man of his time, not this imagined perfect Father that I almost had "if only" he had lived. Well, I lie...during some difficult times, I often wondered if I would have behaved differently if I had a father figure growing up.  Would I have had someone standing near me to not allow certain things....to step in and challenge a man about the treatment of his daughter?

Who knows....as I said he was a product of his time...there were things thrown, faces slapped, and worse.  

But now, as I age, I do often feel him closer, realize he was standing there saying to me....this is not how my daughter is to be treated.

I have no illusions that if he was alive now: that he would, at the very least, try...as my Mother has to support my youngest son...but I am guessing it wouldn't be smooth.

And in quiet moments, as I age, as Emery needed his grandfathers, they were both there.  Billy Joe was there for him as he was for me.  As an adult I had some wonderful years with my father in law.  I know he loved me too.  I know they both love Emery and have watched over him.  Billy Joe more so than my dad..as he had a relationship, albeit a short one, with Emery before he passed. But, on the day of his surgery, and the days after, Emery wore his Grandpa John's police uniform shirt....

And maybe Emery looks just a little bit like the young man in the wedding photo above and he looks a little bit like Billy Joe as well...

So these Father figures swirl around us both. 

They let us feel their presence occasionally and for that I am grateful even 40 years later.

There's no crying in the squat rack.

So, I posted on Facebook the other day that I started crying during a bench workout.

Honestly, I had no idea why at the time....it was my third set, I placed my hands, tightened up my shoulder blades....and looked at the bar.  I looked that the knurling...I looked at my hands...and tears started.

THANKFULLY, it was when the weight was still light so I did not have a spotter yet.  I had everything and nothing floating through my head. 

I spoke with a friend about it....and she thought perhaps it was the "safe space" thing. 

You know...the gym is my safe space...

But...I wasn't upset about anything.

Or?

Ok yes...I just closed a show, a significant piece of the show is about using weight lifting as A SAFE PLACE TO FEEL.  You know...feel the weights...of...things....

During some of my darkest days...BJ and the Zia/Praxis crew were there....allowed me to fall apart and allow me to let the weights help rebuild me. 

And well, it was just about a year ago that Praxis closed their doors.

You know what?  Little has changed for me...I fucking HATE working out alone.  I have been doing it for a year now.

I
DON'T
LIKE
IT.

I'm doing it....but I don't like it.

I like my long distance coach....James...He got me stronger...until I had to back away for the show.  And....he understood why I needed to back off...he wrote baby workouts to keep me moving, but not to push me.  Shit, I even had 2 lifetime PR in throwing this year.  Crazy.

Really?  Kinda amazing.

He gets that life pulls you in all sorts of directions thing.

But...I lost it again yesterday.  In the squat rack...well, I didn't lose it, but I teared up.

There really is no crying in the squat rack....

Then a surprise...I saw one of the old Zia folks and we talked~at length~about peanut butter and PB&J sandwiches.

Is it the same, no...but it never is....it never will be.

So we roll with it....I miss Hersch and Brittany and Josh and Faith and Gilbert

and....and....and.....but I got to have that time with them...I had a tight, supportive, smart, funny community to work out with once. I'm lucky I have that to miss.

Dead lifts on Friday....please let me hold it together....

And just like that....

we are done.

The show is closed.

It's been an odd week.  I did have the usual "the show is over so now it's time to get sick" thing happen....but I was sick for only about 12 hours.

I have also had this odd feeling that although the show is over...it does not feel quite over.  No, I don't know what I mean by that...it's just a feeling.


Two things were said to me during the run that have shifted my perspective.  Things that in my 35+ years of acting I have never heard before.



"this has changed me."

"this healed something in me I didn't know needed healing."


All I could think...I understand....and I am experiencing this with you as well....


I feel changed.

I feel healed.

I seem to have let go of some of the fear that has gripped my throat for far too long.


I don't know what this means,  I don't know what is next....

I do know I am endlessly grateful for this work, for Rod, for my son who gave his blessing, for the innumerable people who supported this project, for the folks who sat in the dark together with us as we shared this, and for all the folks who wanted to share this but couldn't.

gratitude

deep, warm, gratitude

Thank you.

Reading

I know I have asked this before....but when did "staged readings" become the standard?

Readings.... I love readings. 

You know the sitting around a living room, or sitting at a table, or doing it in theater even...at a music stand...but a reading.  You know...a reading is a chance for a writer to hear what they have or for a director or theater to hear it out loud to see if it's a piece that works.

What a reading is NOT...is a way to do a "production" without giving anything to the actors.

When you throw production elements into a reading...you give the audience the assumption that this IS a production.  But yet, the actors are given either no or very little direction.  So who loses in this concept of a reading...as usual..the people who are the face of the said reading...the actors.


We are left floundering....audience expecting a full performance....with out the investment of time and energy in the actor's part of the process.

It's why I always ask, and probably why no one asks me to do readings anymore, "Is this a REAL reading? Is this in a living room, at stands?"


I've had 2 reading of the piece Rod and I are working on...and we made it CRYSTAL CLEAR that they were readings...the second time, we even told the audience that we were trying out some of the physical stuff, but that it was still....A READING.....

Ok.  Sorry....I know I am yelling...but please stop using actors like this.....sigh....Rant over.

Weird

2 weird things....

Had yet another weird audition experience...I am baffled by auditioning for things that require a lot of physical movement....when everything is fixed...mark, camera....I think I get even more frozen physically than in a regular audition.  You know it's that feeling like "I know I am supposed to be moving here...but I can't."

Baffling.

And yes, I have done audition workshops...but they always just tell you to ask if you can move...but mostly there is no room to do that. 

So...yeah..it's weird and funny...and well...that's just how it is.  So dang...I applaud all you actors who nail these kinds of auditions....

I have a game this weekend...Aztec...should be a shit show for throwing, but my goals are to remember what my goals are right now....which are not throwing based.  So there ego...take a fucking hike.

I have had a weird year throwing....2 lifetime personal records. Sheaf and Braemar of all things. Came close to a PR on Heavy Weight too....Not been training much...health scare the first half of the year and then the incredible gift that came my way with the show.  So, I think those throws were just fantastic flukes! And paying attention to tiny details and well.....not getting obsessed with numbers. 

Ok....there is something I probably should not write about, but I am going to just a tiny bit.

So....if you have PTSD type triggers...here's your warning to quit reading.


Ok?

Ok....

I had a bad bad bad, no good very bad day yesterday.  I heard some second hand news that sent me into a tail spin, the likes of which I haven't (thankfully) experienced in quite sometime.  It surprised me just how visceral it was....and it was hard to recognize that I lived in that state for so very long.

I learned a couple of things...firstly...yes, even this passes.  Secondly....ah....I use food to find some sort of peace and more than that...food brings me back into the now...so it wasn't THAT terrible a coping device.  Thirdly....the fear really is a liar.

The spinning stories are just that stories....about myself...about the past....about what might happen....about all the things that will NEVER happen.

I backed up and realized that some of the things that I was spinning out about, I have people around me who will make sure those things never happen....that and really...it is just fear talking.  He doesn't know me anymore and I don't know him. 

The last thing I learned is about my "personal bubble."  I have never thought of mine as keeping people at a huge distance, but sometimes my personal bubble really does extend out over at LEAST 2 states...if not 3....

And now?  It's getting closer to my audition reward....Dead Lifts!

oooops

Well....here we are.


More than a month has gone by.

2 Comps....

1 is my fav...the other one I have wanted to go to for years....

And I didn't write.

Oh well...also had a preview and a fund raiser...and a week or so ago we were part of the Santa Fe Theater walk.

So there it is...that's my update.

As for training....James is pulling me back while I prep for the show...thank you James.

I have about 6 weeks til we open and Rod and I are just working...trying to stay focused on the art while also trying to figure out what we don't know about getting a piece produced....

AHHHHHHHH.


Focus on the art, focus on the art.

But truly we do need people to come see it as well.

Can I just shout out about Rod here for a sec?  Over the 25+ years we have worked together I have said this to people over and over....he is fucking brilliant.  Rod has always pushed me to see things in new ways....and to trust when I had nothing left to trust...to keep going when I had nothing left to give.  I could not be doing this without him.

To be able to work with Rod and the long list of actors I have worked with in Santa Fe who are simply dedicated to the work has been such a gift....

And the pathway that open for us to do this work....difficult to explain all the little gifts that I was given that allowed me, at each step to be able to keep saying YES.

The Walk was another gift, pushed and given by Scott Harrison...while I may add, he is in the middle of producing his own show.....that allowed me to see whether or not I could actually speak these truths to people I did not know, did not know if I could trust.

Ok....enough...my list is long....so I shall pause here.

But seriously...Rod is fucking Brilliant.

goals

Sometimes it is very interesting the way people see you...

I'm just going through my days, struggling to get my work outs in.  My personal goals right now are pretty far removed from the gym at the moment.

Some one says to me, "I know you are trying to be some bad ass power lifter chick."



Huh?


No.


1.  I have never imagined myself fitting into the "chick" category.

2.  I only "focused" on power lifting very briefly, post heart surgery.

3. I have great respect for the sport and those who focus on said sport....I simply will never be one of those women....I am not disciplined like they are...

4. I lift to be a better thrower....most of the time.....but right now.....

5.  I lift because I like to lift and frankly, it has been tho ONLY thing that I have ever stuck with.  I don't wanna "be" anything....but I do want to keep moving.


Is it something I should be doing at my advancing age?  Well, some may not think so...but I say yes, yes it is.  Is it "traditional" or gentle or whatever?  No....But I keep coming back to the bar.


I keep coming back to the bar, because the bar doesn't lie.

I can convince myself of all sorts of things when it comes to my "perceived effort" on a walk or on a bike or fuck, even in Yoga....

But as Henry Rollins says...200 pounds will always be 200 pounds....


So, I'll do me and you do you. I know it wasn't meant as an insult or anything....it was just this person's impression and that's OK!!

I'll just be thankful I have found a way to move that keeps me coming back....keeps me moving.  I don't want to BE anything....I just wanna move...and really that is still sorta new for me.  2010....less than 10 years ago...I joined my first gym.  My workouts have changed a ton since then....and you know what?  It can keep changing. But even back then....my favorite days were lifting days....

So, I'll find that bar for as long as I can...as long as it keeps calling me back....

No REP!

I go "no repped" last rehearsal!

For those of you who are not familiar with CrossFit lingo....judges or coaches will yell "No REP" if you miss depth or some other standard.


Last rehearsal......

Me:  Well. I made it through the lifting piece.

Dir: Well, almost.

Me:  What?

Dir:  Well.....

Me:  Whatever, my knee still hurts.

Dir:  I really need to no rep you.

Me: Fine

Dir:  No rep in rep.

Me: ........

Dir:  No rep; in rep in a repertory theater.

Me:  No reppy reps.  The whole rehearsal doesn't count.


Ahhhhh.

Mona and Rod, combining Art and Sport since 2010....but never quite like this.

Meat Sack

Well,  Things are moving forward...

The things that need my attention are taking focus. Sometimes it is so difficult to remember that we cannot make time for everything we want to work on all the time.  I realized after yesterday's rehearsal that I need to let a few things go...I am so overwhelmed by the support I am getting for this show I am working on. 

I need to match that.

I can't fit things in anymore....It needs to take the front seat.


ANYWHOOOOO....

There has been something bugging me lately that has absolutely nothing to do with this piece.

I think women in particular get caught in the trap of talking about our bodies, not in terms of what they can do, but how they look. And as expected there is a huge disconnect between how we perceive ourselves in these beautiful meat sacks....I experienced this in a super painful way years ago when I was working on a piece with a group of dancers....There I am in a dressing room and they are talking about all their flaws and their FAT.....I am standing there left with this feeling of "Jesus, if they see themselves that way, they must want to vomit when they look at me."   I remember saying something to someone about this years ago and the comment was, "well it is ok for you to look the way you look, but...well.." and they trailed off....I felt like they were going to say, "because you don't give a shit about yourself." 

But I didn't press it.

I also was reminded of my own behavior...I know I have done that to friends...put on blinders and put myself down, without regard to what someone might be taking from my hateful comments toward myself.

There is someone in my life who is constantly using the phrase "enormous" to describe people.  Then I saw one of these "enormous" people they were referring to and I kinda wanted to die. 

You know where I am going with this, right?

Now every time I see them, I hear their voice saying those words about me to other people.

There seems to be a surge in this right now in the women around me and I don't know why, perhaps I am just more aware of it.

I asked a dear friend once, a friend who really is amazingly strong and super lean and fit..."Be honest, when you first met me, did you judge me based on my size." 

To their ENORMOUS credit...they said yes. Yes, they do judge people by how "fluffy" they are, they try not to but it is there... The honesty was refreshing.  I still felt shame...the cultural pull is strong....shame that some how my meat sack is upsetting to people....but not for long. 

I look how I look for a long list of reasons....but none of those reasons include some sort of weakness, or moral failure.

So, I will watch my self talk, especially when it is out loud. When I experience this again, I will do my best not to accuse the speaker of anything, but to reminder her of all the things she can do with her meat sack...and maybe, just maybe it will help me to remember all the things I can do with my meat sack too. 

Quickie...

Up date that is...

Well, we got rid of our carpet in the living room and hall.  Dang....in by the yard; out by the pound indeed.

I am throwing this weekend...SCARY.

Rod, Kate, and I are looking at doing a preview/Bake sale for the piece we are working on.....

Probably the end of August, stay tuned.

Have I mentioned that we have dates for said piece?  Well we do.

Nov 1-3 and 8-10.

Means I'll miss World's, which if you know me at all you know I have conflicted feelings about...but the choice was made for me.

I probably told you that already.  Scott of IronWeed and John of Grotessco are both making me wanna cry lately....they are both being so generous with their time and resources. 

Got the official notification about Pleasanton yesterday. 

I know I say this every time I get selected, but I am so humbled and thrilled.  I adore that game....and They expanded the class....the last couple of years we threw with the men's 60+ so there were on 6 or so of us, this year?  12

12!

12 women's masters at Pleasanton!

And I get to be one of them....

I've been throwing a little more....mostly drills in the yard...but I think it's good...it's the detail work. 

Gym has been ok....

I have had a couple of bad days....days when I walk in and I just feel sad...a little lost...and a little lonely.  But I kept lifting. 

I know it's me..but there is someone there who I am starting to see frequently enough, that we always stop and say hi and even check in about what we are working on....that is the best....she's pretty cool to chat with this old grandma... seriously, she's pretty freakin nice....

I'll try to check in after the Elizabeth game...

Oh, I booked a movie too....Squeeee...It's been a while!

It's been an interesting time....I have so much beauty and grace and love around me and sometimes I can't seem to feel it or see it. 

Gotta keep my eyes open.

And another Happy Birthday to my son Kegan....he made me a mom 25 years ago today.

Aloof

I have almost always had this weird issue when people meet me, especially in large groups, of coming off as aloof.  Well, not always...for whatever reason, that didn't happen when I started throwing....

Anyhoo....

I know that I am not dealing with severe social anxiety, and I am glad for that.  I have just enough though that I know I put up some sort of shield.  Minor, but still.

Coming up on a month past the GRRRL Live.

As usual, I meant to write a little more, and I will...but one of the things I wanted to say or think about or whatever, is that aloof thing and Grrrl.

If they hold the event again...I would like to push myself a little more.  I was super lucky to be there with some women I know, but that also helped me stay put.  If I go again....I'd like to reach out more....ask to join with people I don't know, that sort of thing.

It is interesting to me now that time has passed....that I can pin point the moment I felt more comfortable.

It was when Heather asked me to help with the workshop.  I walked in there...she told me what she needed.....and I could relax.  Kinda like my acting shit....I am an actor, give me a script, direct me....and I'll do my best to do what YOU want.

Ahhhhh, so guess what else I am dealing with now....being an actor, without the strict structure too...Having to look at producing issues, fundraising issues, ahhhh.  Thank god I have Rod....and the large amazing group of other folks that are trying to help support me as we explore this piece.

Interesting.

I do know that the first few speakers zeroed in on something I needed to hear, just as I needed to hear it.

Be authentic.
Be yourself.
You have your story to tell.

You are enough.

Ok, I know this blog is frazzled today...but perspective was one of the other issues...Janea Kroc spoke.  I actually got to do the power lifting workshop with her as well.  I have seen the documentary about their life and I really wanted to meet her.

She spoke about perceptions....the pain they can cause, the assumptions that get made, all of that. That even she believed that being a woman meant she should be small...but she learned that strength has no gender.  This pain of thinking your accomplishments are your worth....her grace in sharing her story.  I really wanted to go up and say hi....to thank her for being visible.  I don't even think my kid knows who she is, but it makes a positive impact on the entire community.

So...I'm thinking, go up to her, it's ok.  She is of course swamped by people, so I wait.  I get to her, I know what I want to say...simple.  I just want to thank her for being visible...Guess what happens instead?

I fucking burst into tears.

Yup.

No idea why, I just sob...for her, for me, for my kid?  I don't know, none of that seems like it's the reason.  I have no idea, even now, why I unloaded on this poor woman, but I did....I thought I was gonna be all cool and just thank her, but nooooooo.....

I really didn't mean to put more on her, but there ya go.

Oh well...I got a photo of her and I together...she is way more beautiful than I am, but dang if we don't have the same Slavic nose....

More magic?

So, I came home from Grrrl Live and my whole relationship with my body has been healed.

Wanna know how?

Wanna?

Well, the most important thing....it didn't.

HA.

Fuck, I didn't expect it to....I mean COME ON....that's not how it works.  There is again...

no magic pill

I'm kinda PollyAnna, that is well established, but I'm no dummy either.

I did though, hear some things I had not heard before...I will, if I try to explain too much, butcher the messages....cause, you know from my earlier blog...I am also not a court reporter.

I was listening to the opening speaker on Saturday, Stephanie, speak about being present in our lives...lots of us have issues with this, yes? Then she said something about when we hate our bodies, we are not being in the present.

We cannot hate ourselves and be in the present moment.

We are hating the past, the past meal, the past trauma that lead us here, or hating the moment that hasn't happened by saying things like; "I'll never change" or "I'll always be like this."

Hard to appreciate what our bodies can DO with that sort of baggage on it.

As she was speaking, I looked down at my lap...trying to keep myself in control, when I saw it.

My belly.

Hanging over onto my lap...I put my hand on my belly,  a belly that has carried two babies, a belly I won't let my hubby touch, a belly I have cursed at, a belly I have actually punched...and just thought to myself; you my belly, are evidence that I have tried to take care of myself.  I have protected myself and you my dear belly, are the evidence of the self care that I knew.

I showed up to GRRRL Live to try to walk through my own shit....and there I sat....me and my belly....within the first 5 minutes....walking through some shit.

No one is coming to save me....neither is anyone asking me to be someone I am not.

It is a good reminder that the people who believe in me have never asked me to be anything other than who I am.   Maybe they challenge me to be a better version of who I am...which frankly, is why they are in my life to begin with, right?

I have spent so much of the last 51 years trying to be something, someone else...but it causes nothing but pain.  So my big ole belly and I are just gonna be us....together....

First of a few....

GRRRL 2019.

This might be the first of a few that I write about this weekend...but I knew I had to get something down before I chose not to write at all.

I started this the first day, but there really was no time for me to write....which was perfect...

I had to just BE THERE. I’m not a fucking court reporter and it would have been a way for me to disconnect.

First night. First half of first day.  

 Tell ya.  I am not used to this level of energy. 

I know I’m usually a spaz. But this is a whole other level. I did bail early from the meet and greet. Was in Bed by 9. Ha. 

Did yoga in the am.  Heard this phrase: You are a special edition. 

Love that. 

Found myself trying not to cry too. Can’t explain that one. 

Even at the meet and greet.  I was fighting tears at every turn. 

I think there were two things at play for me.  

First.....my epic level of discomfort. And the driving desire to NOT feel discomfort....that “why can’t I just do this, experience this, exists without freaking feeling like I don’t belong.”

Second thing...the energy. I could feel this pulsing in the room....the main ballroom as people filed in.  Even though no one really knew what was coming, there was this feeling of belonging, this energetic knowing of hundreds of women that were here for very similar reasons, even if they all could not articulate what that was.  I know I couldn’t. 

There is this interesting thing in shared experience, shared spaces...that is what all those mega churches count on after all....but this wasn’t to control people.  This wasn’t to tell people what to believe or how to behave.  It might have looked like that perhaps, with all of the messages of self love and the #iamenough images....but no....this was about personal choices....this was about vulnerability....accountability....about the gift of the individual voice.  Odd in a large gathering but true.  

I digress....there was this power I felt that pushed an understanding. I mean really....many of the ideas, the messages are things I have heard before, things I have been told....but being in a sea of women who are receiving it at the same time, with their fears and vulnerabilities exposed brought power and dare I say love to the messages that allowed them to sink past my skin, past my walls, past my feelings of unworthiness. 

That’s the power of a conference like this....

That’s the power of women....

Trips and trip ups

Headed to Vegas tomorrow.  No, no, it's not one of those debauchery trips.  Honestly, I am not a fan of Vegas at all....but that's the home of the event I am headed to, so there ya go.

I have been looking at the hotel an I may just spring for a massage.  Though, massages by people I don't know and who don't know my neck scare me a little.  But I have found that I can actually say, "don't touch my fucking neck."  Well, you know me, I'd say it nicer than that, but you get the idea.

I am still struggling to remember exactly what I thought I might get out of the event...you know, there is this thing swirling around me about "getting my shit together."  I posted a stupid thing on FB recently about that....I am 51...this IS me with my shit together.  HA.  I remember years ago, friends who were a bit older than me saying things like, oh wait til your 50...things change....you don't give a shit what people think....you won't care so much about body image...you'll come into yourself.

Well.

No.

I missed that milestone too.

I mean, I do feel more settled in myself, but that has very little to do with age and more to do with work and freeing myself from damaging relationships....

But as for the rest, no....

In fact, since this is my blog after all, I am super duper struggling with body stuff right now. I had a series of things happen this year; health crap, weird family crap...that have shown me just how far I am from being comfortable with myself.

Sooooo, what did I turn to yet again?

Yup. Food....sweets....

So, I am not just a chubby masters athlete...I am a super chubby masters athlete. And Yes....I should focus on performance goals.  But the chubby and the self loathing keeps me from that focus. 

So no....turning 50 wasn't this magic demarcation.

Only thing that is magic is the fucking work I need to put in....

Yup, stuck myself in a cage of my own making again (yes that's a tad dramatic) but at least I know I did this myself and I know it's mine to get out of too.

So, off to an event that may just help kick me in the ass and show me some new keys or saws or dynamite to use on this cage to start my summer off right.

As for today, max set of 10 back squat...ew....and I'll be staring at my mail box as I wait for an application to my favorite game....oh and I need to pack....OH and go see a show tonight.

Rod is in Tartuffe at the Adobe Theater in ABQ....


Thanks for reading and thanks for putting up with my continued crap.

50....magic my ass....

At least Grant thinks my ass...is magic.... 😆

Events

I am headed to an event in June.  GRRRL Live in Las Vegas.  It's funny, when it first came, I was super gung ho about it....felt this super urge to go....saved my pennies and got a ticket.  Then I conned my friend Rachel to come with...then...I heard from Heather.  She is going to demo Highland Games stuff and she asked me to help with that...

And here we are 2 weeks out.

And I am guessing my voices are getting the best of me. 

I can't remember what I was thinking.  What was it I thought I might get out of it?  Why the hell did I ever think my fat ass could demo anything? Why did I think I could fit in with all these strong amazing women?

Ahhh see what I did there?

Yeah.

Thank you ugly voices for reminding me why I thought I needed to go....

You...the ugly voices...need some replacing.  I thought this might be another step in helping my 50+ year old self in changing the self talk.

So you are going. right???

Yes...yes.  and I am gonna be awkward and weird and uncomfortable...just like lots of the other women there.

So shut up and demo for Heather...and don't hide in your room.

OHHHHH.....Rachel also has a blog and we talked about doing some joint posting about the event...sounds kinda cool? yea?

That's it...gotta bench today...I'll report on that later.  Gotta get back in this habit if we are gonna post as we go in June...

well geeeeez

So, how'd that game go? You know the one you thought you might feel sad about?

It was fun.

I did a bit of side judging on cabers and cheered people on and just hung out. And. It. Was. Just. Fine.

There have been some big goings on in the art department of my life though...I know I have mentioned the "writing project" I have...

Well....it is still moving forward.

I have been working with Rod...for those of you who have been reading this silly blog for a while...I have been working with Rod for like 25 years...He kills me.  One of those people in my life; lucky for me there are quite a few; who are so god damn smart, it hurts.... you know those folks...they make you better when you are with them, even though they aren't trying to do that at all....ANYWAY....we did Frankie and Johnny like 5 years ago.

He has helped me create a piece.

And, well....it is happening.

Like....we have a space....and dates.  Because I was overwhelmed at the first meeting..I still need to clarify those dates...but we have dates.  Scott Harrison, who runs Ironweed Productions, has pushed me...'cause he is one of those people like Rod...he is pushing and supporting me to do this...thing...this story, that I wasn't even sure was a story. Well, to be honest, I have quite a few people who are supporting this.  I have so many amazing people in my life...I surely don't deserve, but am endlessly grateful for.

It is late October/early November...details to follow when I have them.

AND......

The Adobe theater in Albuquerque has offered me a reading time....So, on June 9th at 7PM...the Adobe theater is hosting me...crazy.  Well, I do need to clarify, they have started a new program.  They call it Second Sundays.  The second Sunday of a show, they have reading of new, local, works in the evening.  I am completely in love with this idea.  I love new works...I love being in a reading...doesn't matter if they are perfect...it is a wonderful opportunity to give a playwright a chance to hear their work....I digress...

I was offered the June spot. June 9th.

Yeah.

Me...What?

Honestly, it terrifies me, but given the work that Rod and I have put in and the fact that we are doing this in November...it is a great way to get our feet wet and hopefully get some good feedback.  Rod and I have decided that I will mostly read the piece, but we will show a few of the physical pieces we have worked on. My friends Quinn and Sheridan, who are a part of the ABQ theater scene, are working on our behalf to get some ABQ theater people there.

This is all a very long way to say I won't be throwing in the Master's Championship Game this year.  I had not really decided that I WOULD, but this makes it clear that I won't.

Truth is, I am a Master's Champion...and I did it in Scotland for fucks sake, against some amazing women. No matter how my athletic pursuits play out, no one can take that away from me.

Right now, art is calling...

and oh, yesterday?  I got a set of 2 push press at 135....that's the shit too...

Feeling....

I'm feeling really weird.

I still remember my first game. It was here in ABQ at the Rio Grande Valley Celtic Festival in 2011.  I have written about it ad nauseam, so I won't hit you with all the details...AGAIN.  But I do remember coming down, with Emery, early early that morning.  I lived in Santa Fe at the time.  I had only been to maybe 3 or 4 practices and I was nervous.  I didn't really know anyone, I didn't have a kilt, and my ex never showed up to watch me throw.  Now I have a family of throwers.  And a true partner. 

I felt as weird as I do today and probably tomorrow. 

I kinda thought I'd always throw at these games, but this year was not meant to be.  I was supposed to throw with the young women too...I was looking forward to the challenge, but, well...I have had a few other challenges. As we always do.

Even though it looks like my health stuff was, as I anticipated, a "false alarm", I still stand by my decision to pull out from competition. The stress of waiting for an answer and the soreness of my body this week just confirmed that this was the right thing to do.

But still...weird.

I will be on the field....being a back up judge and helping with side judging and probably making sure y'all are drinking enough and using sunscreen.  I know there are some folks out there that would like to see me go away completely...but y'all can bite my big fabulous ass.

I'll get back to training next week.  James has been wonderfully understanding and supportive.  And once my belly stops aching, I'll get back to some serious (and silly) throwing.

Thanks for reading and if you see me being weird at the festival this weekend, can you just remind me with a gentle slap that it is just a game after all.

Gotta Ask

One of Grant's favorite things to remind me is that if I don't ask then I can guarantee the answer is no. I know I have written about this, but I spent a large portion of my life knowing there would be trouble if I asked....

So...yea....I assume a ton of 'No' in my life.

Well, I'm working on it....

So, this project with Rod...I have been asking for things....but last week...

Ok so theater space in Santa Fe is at a premium, as is rehearsal space.  So far Rod and I have been working at his partner Ellie's house....which has been AMAZING...but, we need something a little different.

So, on a whim, I decided to ask some old theater colleagues.  And, well...

WE HAVE A REHEARSAL SPACE!

So you may want to turn and run the other way when you see me coming, cause imma keep askin'. 

Blurgh.....

Dang it, it has been like 20 days....

Yea, I'm still working out.  I have to take a break this week for some tests.

What else am I doing?

Dunno, work and shit?

I am slowly moving forward with the writing project I mentioned a long while ago....been sticking with rehearsals with Rod.  Some challenging stuff there.  It's a way of working I haven't been a part of in a long time.  Makes me remember that love of story and collaboration that made me love theater in the first place.

I was planning on writing some big blog outlining these three months with my new trainer....but now we are almost at the 4 month mark...oooops.

I have already said....it's different.

I have noticed a few things recently though that I need to fix.  Notice I didn't say it was James...It's me.  I am not warming up like I should.  Some days I feel like I am pinned in time wise and I just use the light lifts as my warm up....

Not a good plan Malec....not a plan at all....

I am working on going for weights that make me uncomfortable.  So this week he had me doing some seated cable rows, well, I do them every week. Usually 4 sets of 10  or 3 sets of 15. I usually bust them out between 70-100 pounds.  Monday was a single set of 10.  I was tired and not feeling well, but I just kept adding 10 pound.  I got that up to 140.

Now, I know I could not do 4 sets at 140....but now that number gives me a goal.  As in, I can't do 4 sets of 10 at 140...yet.  Since I can do a single set at that weight, I should be able to get to multiple sets soon.

Been happy with some growth on Bench and deads too. Not sure about my back squat....but oh well.

I'll probably never be a real power lifter, so it's ok if these numbers don't always keep going up.

The goal now is for this summer....see if I can translate it into my throwing.

I have some other important things to focus on for the spring...health stuff mainly.  But I have a good feeling about that too...It is gonna be great to take a break from the treadmill Grant and I have been on for a while.  I mean, I am gonna miss my Games Family...but we will be back so fast, it'll be like we never left.

Gotta run...I have rehearsal again today with Rod....squeeee...can't wait.

Cheerleader

The last 2 weeks have been tough in the gym.

Last week was 6 sets of 3 at 85% of my 3 rep max...dead bench and squat.

This week was 4 sets of 3 at 90% of my three rep max...dead bench and squat.

That was 295 and 310 on deads, 115 and 120 on bench, and 255 and 270 on back squat.

I know the bench numbers are well.....Mona bench numbers, but I was happy with it, well; "Mona happy"...haha...you know, I feel weak and old and lame happy.  I know I shouldn't do that to myself, but honestly at 51...I don't see it changing much anymore.  I do, however, no longer berate myself for what I "used to" throw or lift.

I may wish I was stronger, but for the work I put in; for my minor physical limitations; for what I can do; I am doing it; and well....I am strong.

Anyhoooooo....

One of the things I am working on, as you know, is working out alone.

I hate it.

I miss my Praxis folks...honestly...I got used to having a set of eyes on me.  That's just not the case anymore and it's an adjustment.  I found myself last Monday during the last 2 sets of deads, wishing I had someone there to make me finish.  It would be so easy to not do the last 2 sets...they hurt, I felt shitty, I was slow, I wanted done....I wanted someone to say no.  To say you can do this, to say I believe you are stronger than you think, to remind me to fix my shoulders, to remind me to breathe right, to say yes when I say no.

Honestly, I almost walked away on set 5...whining strongly in my head. Missing what is gone.  Being a big fat lonely baby.

Then I listened to what I was wishing for...I asked myself "why are you doing these deads Mona,"  To have a better WOB and Sheaf....Then remember that....

I told myself to drive my feet into the platform....to correct my hips, to breathe correctly, to fix my shoulders....to say yes to myself instead of no.

I got them done and no one saw it.

I got them done just for me.

And you know what, I lived.  Breathing like a fat kid chasing a piece of cake, but breathing.  The following week...this week, was much easier.  That longing for a group, for eyes had faded and I just did the stupid lifts.

I tried to video....and that was a mess, my stand has lost its strength so during the lift it slowly recorded the ceiling...ha!

I have to take a bit of a break from throwing to deal with a minor medical issue, but I am gonna lift until my body tells me I can't.  I will be back. Hopefully it's a short break, but just like a gym closing, there are things your body does that you have no control over.

So, I will just breathe and remind myself that it IS ok to just do this for me.  And I'll drive my feet into the ground for support.

Shamrocks

Spent all weekend out in the sun. My face is paying the price.  I....um....forgot the sunscreen.  It was cool and breezy and I look like a tomato.

I had a long weekend with Demos for the Shamrock Festival and Practice Sunday. There has been a bit of drama with the athletes for a while, so I actually found myself really stressed thinking about having to do the Demo on Saturday.  I keep to myself a bit, don't throw very much...I am...

Well there it is.

After a bit, Jackie showed up and for what ever reason we started harassing Chad while he was throwing.

Now, I am not gonna share all the obnoxious things we said were, but "twisted dick" figured prominently in the heckling.  You know to get that turn in your hip...or something.  More like to make Chad laugh....

Well, Jackie got me laughing, and laughing hard.

A little while later, Grant came up and said something about our obnoxiousness...and then says...I don't hear you laugh like that anymore.

I almost burst into tears.

It made me really sad for both him and I.

He is right....when I first started throwing I quickly got the nickname "giggles."  Now it might be bitchy, or grumpy, or whatever.

What was it about "before" and now?  Well, as this rolled around in my skull since Saturday; I think some of it came from the feeling of escape that throwing game me.  I felt so pinned down, but when I would drive down from Santa Fe on Sunday morning for practice...I got to let lose a little.  I got to be a little more me....

So, does that mean I am not feeling like me?

I don't think so...there are ways in which I feel tamped down, but those are self imposed....I do feel like me, I am just well, not laughing right now.

Maybe it was just a "contents under pressure" thing.  But I feel a little sad that, well, I am no longer "giggles."

But, I am..me. So there is that. 

what?

Well...

It's been over a month....

Crap.

Ok.....I won't catch anything up, but we've had a big week. Emery has his driver's license....and a job (maybe 2).

My health is sketchy at best....and I am still fat.

Emery has been trying new desert recipes, so what the hell am I supposed to do?  Custards, caramels....I mean, really.

I have to squeeze my workouts in to 2 days....and you know what?  An hour and a half at the gym was freaking great.  I wish I could do that all the time. Perhaps I can....but I am STILL NOT THROWING.

It always comes down to this, especially during tax season, but this...what the holy fuck is wrong with me.

Yeah yeah there is only so much time and energy, but I said I wanted this certain thing...I can only get close to it if I actually work on it. 

I guess the answer is, there are other things I want more right now. 

One of them is to stop freaking out...but, I am. 

Oh, last little fractured thought from my fractured mind....Never ever let your trainer know that there is a wicked new machine at the gym you use...when you do he will make you use it.  I am joking of course.  There is an assisted GHD (or what ever it s called) at Iron Soul. 

It. Is. Awesome.

I of course can barely use it, and I got stuck, and I laughed so hard I couldn't pull myself up, but it is a wonderful piece. 

Thanks Eric....Thanks James!

Oh....this too...please consider sponsoring me.  

Charity Game for Wounded Warriors

Slow lessons

Not sure what number lesson this is from the gym.

623?

Major lesson number from IronSoul?

57?

Y'all know I started this fitness..thing....in 2010...so 9 years ago, at the gentle nudging of my friend Rod..and yes...it was CrossFit first.  For probably 3 years I did CrossFit.  Then I stayed at a CrossFit gym, even though I did my own thing in the corner...there were a few years there that I went back and forth.

AnyHooooo, what's this got to do with lesson #57 from IronSoul?

SLOW.

I don't know how to go slow.

CrossFit is pretty much always against a clock... and the other issue with me is...lunch.

I love me some lunch, sorry, I digress....I have, for many years, worked out during my lunch hour.  Which really means, 45 minutes to train.  45 minutes...

That's not really enough time to train, to workout, yes...but...well, I have done what I could.

Which brings me to IronSoul....and the people I see there.

They are slow, in the very best way possible.....time, technique, specific, clean.  I am finding myself continuing to speed through workouts.  I had 5x5 bench yesterday and I was whipping through them...then I looked around and thought....slow....

Slow lifts, slow descents mean more control, mean less panic to complete the lift, mean better damn form.

I have had people spotting me say that, oh that looked easy, and I suspect it's because I am speeding through....Perhaps when I slow down...I can lift more.

I can leave the speed for the field...not the weight room.

Forgiveness

I've been a little pulled back these days.  I don't like the word silent, because that doesn't quite hit the meaning.  I'm not struggling with depression tugging at me, but perhaps I have been lost in my own thoughts a bit.

Some of this has been triggered by a book I read.  Accidental Saints by Nadia Bolz-Weber.  It is a slim little thing, an "easy" read, but not really.  For any of you who were raised in a religious household as a child and saw the hypocrisy of either your church or the people who claim faith, this is a good one.

I remember when I was very young, not understanding why people hated Judas.  Why was this man, who was supposedly furthering along the very thing that needed to happen, why was he burning?  Didn't god need him to do this? Wasn't he also sacrificing?  I remember in Catechism being the kid who frustrated the shit out of the middle aged ladies that were tasked with prepping us for whatever useless role the church had ready for us. And I am pretty sure the youth pastor and the priest didn't like me much either.  I finally did what was expected and shut my mouth and spit out the rote crap churches love so much.

Yeah...got me confirmed.... whatever the hell that ever really meant, no one could clearly explain either....anyway I digress....

Back to Judas.

Back to this book.  She speaks of Judas...but in a way that I have never heard.  Judas, just like Peter, did something that later....they regretted...(I know I am simplifying here). Peter...asked for forgiveness....Judas' mistake wasn't really that he betrayed Jesus it was that he failed to ask for forgiveness.

That was the point of "the Christ", right? Forgiveness.....

He would have been forgiven, if he only asked.

That is the point of the Judas story. Not how we are punished for our mistakes, our faults, our transgressions. Not that we have to always behave in a certain way, or conform to a way of life...we are to learn from Judas that forgiveness is always ours...if we only ask. 

Nadia Bolz-Webber also proposes this idea (as I understand it) that this is the gift, that the forgiveness we seek resides in one another. It is not outside of ourselves...we create "church" or community and it is that connection we turn to.  The divine in one another, the "Christ" if you will, is where the gift resides.

This is making me look hard at me....at the lingering anger I have about events in my past. Both years past and more recent.  Why can't I let go? Why am I letting myself burn so to speak? 

Ah.

Forgiveness.....have I asked for it? Have I given it?

So I asked.  I told someone things I have not shared with anyone.  I asked if I could be forgiven.  Then I thought about some of the things I dealt with in the last 10 years, the violation, the violence. 

I choose to forgive.

Apologies are not necessarily needed, I mean I know I will never ever receive one, yet I can forgive....so...I can be forgiven as well.  We can use the story of Judas as a way to learn, not terrify...We need only ask.  I know there maybe some one who reads this who will come at me for this reading of the story.  That's fine.  I am no biblical scholar...But I know from a young age I felt this sense of frustration about the sacrifice that needed to happen, yet everyone vilified the man who pushed it forward.  I prefer this interpretation of the story of Judas and Peter.  Judas only needed to ask...we all need to just ask.

Anyhoo.....this is where my mind has been for a while....I will get back to writing about workouts and I will get back to posting silly things at some point, like this guy:

but right now....this is where I am.

Thanks.

Spotting

Having started working out in CrossFit gyms, I never really needed a spotter.  On back squats, if you failed, you just dumped it behind you.  Rubber plates. And at the first gym, there was NO bench pressing....After I moved to Praxis....I learned to bench and learned I needed a spotter.

But I am learning about the art of spotting more and more as I lift at IronSoul.  Ya can't really drop a bar full of iron like you can a bar full of....you know. I know I have written about this a little, but  I find it cool how much more I will attempt at a bench or a squat when some one is there...ready in case I fail. 

Even though I know I need help, especially on my bench, I am still super tentative at the gym.  I kinda look like this guy when I have loaded a bar and I just sorta stand there...

It's clearly my issue, because if someone needs to say no, it's totally cool, but no one has yet.  I mean, I look around and try to hit someone up while they are resting or...if they catch my eye...it's even better. 

"You need a spot?"

Yeah, what gave me away? My pleading eyes, that look of....jesus, where am I and where are my people?

I still feel dumb for needing a spot sometimes...especially when they say, "Well, that was easy..."  No, no....bench is never easy.  Seriously, I still worry about anything over 100....although, I am getting more confident.  I also go up in tiny increments...so....sigh. 

I'll get over it the more time I spend there and with James on this programing.

The spotting thing though made me think about other ways we spot one another...How my issues asking for help in other areas of my life are reflected in my difficulty in asking for a spot. 

I look around and know over these last few years, I have had a ton of spotters who showed up to spot even when I was just staring into those bright headlights. 

And I hope you know if you are needing a spot, that I'm keeping my eye out for you too.

Some rambling.

I keep telling myself I will write more often and then life keeps pushing on.  Then I get to a day like today and I have like 15 things I want to talk about, so it all comes out in a jumbled mess. Single gooey messy sentences.

Training:  I've been training.

Ok kidding.  Well I HAVE been.  Last week was rough. I have gotten a bunch of sorta bad news about my health and I am trying to sort through how to deal with it all...tackle it.

Then I go for a follow up with the doc today and she's not even that worried about the things I was worried about, she's concerned that I have reduced kidney function.

Great add that to the list.

I am still waiting on an MRI for my neck...talk about an insurance company/health care crap show.

Here is a tip if you live in Santa Fe, go to ABQ for an MRI...they are about 1500 dollars cheaper down there....

I have been lonely and frustrated in the gym.  I know, I am a HUGE baby....waaaaa..... Monday was terrible last week....I walked in cranky (about the MRI and the cracked damn tooth) and I walked out cranky with myself because I did stupid shit.  I made these big dumb jumps in weight and then was shocked, I say shocked I couldn't handle it.

😆

My pity party game was strong that day.

I have thrown the 28 a couple of times since I wrote last.  It isn't nearly as bad as I had feared. I mean, it doesn't go very far...like 32 feet for the WFD and I think I cleared 13 on the WOB yesterday...but I didn't feel like death after.

I am still gaining weight too..it's...annoying.  But, I also have put an inch on my bicep measurement....so....I don't know.  I had this thought after all these tests and problems that I suddenly feel like I have been focusing on the wrong things.

I don't know when in this journey since 2010 that I decided I would focus on "strong" and I let go of CrossFit.  Not that I could or want to go back to CrossFit...but there is or was this singular focus on strong.  I mean, even when I was hardly working out...I could still act like I was doing SOMETHING. Yes, it was always one of my "strong points" when I started working out, but.....I dunno.  I am just bummed about my blood work and my neck and....yeah.  (I warned you I was about to ramble, read at your own risk)  Maybe though, I should have focused just on all my numbers...my health....being at a healthier weight...Maybe this whole drive to try to be an athlete after 40+ years on the couch sent me down a funky path.....Blah Blah, and boo-hoo...

Well, what's the take away here... got me...you got any ideas, cause I am freaking out of them. My doc is taking a wait and see thing....I have to "push water" this month, and try some herbal crap and we will retest my kidneys in a month, my other blood work in 3 - 6 months. Although she did say, given my family trait of high cholesterol, not much will help; she just wants to see if we can boost the good stuff.

 I had wanted to pull some of the irons out of my fire, but I am not really doing it...I seem to be adding to my lists.

There is something I am both terrified and almost excited about though..that writing project I have told you about is taking a tentative step forward.  At the behest of a friend...I am being forced (kidding) into having a reading.  Sorta as way to see what we have, if this is something to keep working on, or if it was a good thing to do just for me.  I am so grateful for the work I have done with Rod...and I look forward to working on prepping this for the reading at the end of the month too.  Not sure what we will do to prep, but I can't believe I have writing anything in the first place, much less showing it to Rod, much less working on it, or reading to for a small group....(seriously 5-6 people).

Ok, there weren't 15 things to chat about, but it did ramble nicely.....

Believe them...when you should.

And this is one of those times.

I remember a lesson I learned way back in 2005....when someone compliments you. Take it.  When you say to that person, "oh no I'm not..blah blah, blah....you are actually telling them that they are liars."

Thanks Eric!

So, why do I bring this up you ask?  I go an invite to a game last week.  When it came in, all I could think was...well, I'm not up for that. I am not good enough. I am not on that level. I can't. I can't I can't. Waaaa  Waaaa Waaa.....

I have been in this position before...women's worlds in Phoenix....and yes, I got my ass handed to me, but who the heck cares....I got invited. The AD said to me, no you earned this.

So why when this particular invite came in; why did I go straight to the same voices?

Well, for one..I am older...so I forgot?  No...I am just older and I haven't thrown a 28 in like 4 years. And honestly...I know this AD well...and, sigh, I thought it was a pity invite.

Invite the local old lady.....

um....

No.

I essentially called my friend Chad  liar...

He is a stand up fucking guy, I mean have you met him?  Too bad for you if you haven't.

But seriously...if he invited me...he invited me.

Sorry Chad....  😄  I'll try not to be such a jerk again.

Will I bring up the rear? Fuck yes?  Do I care? No!

It's exciting to throw with women like this...I JUST freakin' wrote about this, and now look at me, the local little old lady getting to throw with the Women's IHGF for the caber Championship in Albuquerque.  Getting to surround myself with a bunch of AMAZING athletes....

Wheeee!!!

I am warning ya though...I may be complaining about the 28 while I am training for this, why? Because I can and I think it's funny that 7 pounds makes such a difference.

Weakest Link

So I am starting my third week of this new programing....I am still sore...

But that's not my issue at the moment.

I had a fantastic ego check yesterday at the gym.  It was super busy when I got there...lots of folks, all the dead lift platforms were taken, so I warmed up a bit and looked around.  Like really looked around.

I haven't been the friendliest of bitches since I had to accept the closing of my gym.  I do what it seemed to me "everyone" was doing at the gym.  Put my head phones on and put my head down and shut up and lift.

But.

I saw something different yesterday.

I saw lots of little groups..people moving from platform to the rack to check in or spot or slap someone playfully.  I saw people laying on the fake grass and stretching together.  I saw a trainer tease a guy for nearly knocking him down with a sled...

I saw a community.

I'm not part of it, but it is there.

The other thing I saw, really saw the last few times at the gym?  Ha...I saw me.

See, the 2 gyms I have "belonged" to since 2010, I had grown accustomed to being the joker, the slow one, the older one, but the strong one as well.  I think I liked that little badge I wore.

Lemme tell ya....

At Iron Soul?  I'm the weak one, the inexperienced, the newbie....

Ahhhhh, I have lost that little piece I carried...The "I'm not cute, or fast or agile, but I'm the 'strong woman lifting in the corner' at the gym."  A nifty little label I made for myself.

And it's good. Good to shed that shit. Good to be the weak one.

It's a damn good thing to lose that label.  I look at the women at this gym and I am excited to be around so many who are so skilled, so much stronger than I. When I was an actor (like 100 years ago) and when I am on the field...I want to be surrounded by people who are better, more skilled, more experienced....selfishly?  yes...that's how I get better.  But it also strips me down of labels I place on myself that are useless, ego driven, that keep me stuck.

I'm not needing to compete with anyone; I don't need to be the strongest, it isn't about that...but I see all these women and I think....be better.

Be better, for me.

first week

Well.

Week one/

No. Not some New Years thing...week one with some new programming.

Ultimately, the actual moves were not very different.  I mean, there were a few things that I haven't really done before. Some basic things, like lat pull downs and seated chest row things.  Like I said, basic, but coming from the two gyms I came from; not a surprise. 

This week as easier in terms of planning as I had Monday and Tuesday off.  I am still not sure when I am going to workout in a regular way. This week I left work in Santa Fe and drove straight to the gym in Albuquerque.  That may work, not all the time....but I will try it for a while.  I know there will be times; auditions, late appointments, appointments for Emery that will keep me from it.  But, James had asked me how often I thought I needed to workout.

I know that my body deals with 4 days of lifting....So that's what he gave me..this also means, that if I miss a day, I have flexibility to make it up.

As I think about trying to get to the gym, in Albuquerque from Rio Rancho, the drive to Santa Fe for work early in the morning...I just get...ehhhhhh....

So...

Here I go.  When I opened that program, I thought, well this isn't very much, it won't take that long.  But the work, working up to the working set...that takes a lot of time.  And...well, I am old..I rest in between...

The odd thing about the first week for me was that the workouts were not all that different from what I was doing, I mean you know...squat, bench, dead, overhead something or another.  Then accessory work.  But...there is a different way of approaching these workouts.  I have been using super sets...James sent me a video outlining how he wanted me to do the accessory work.  They are not to be done in super sets,  I am to do sets until I get to a point when I might not finish the set and THAT will be my working set.  That I need to push these to possible failure.

Hmmm.

That changes things.  I am used to holding back, to gauging what I need to do to get to the next move. It was very interesting to push everything to the edge of my capabilities.  I mean, I believe there is a place for the super set..but this has been enlightening.  Interesting to learn about myself. 

How much do I hold back for the "maybe" for the "I might need this later."

I am super sore...and looking forward to next week.