Aloof

I have almost always had this weird issue when people meet me, especially in large groups, of coming off as aloof.  Well, not always...for whatever reason, that didn't happen when I started throwing....

Anyhoo....

I know that I am not dealing with severe social anxiety, and I am glad for that.  I have just enough though that I know I put up some sort of shield.  Minor, but still.

Coming up on a month past the GRRRL Live.

As usual, I meant to write a little more, and I will...but one of the things I wanted to say or think about or whatever, is that aloof thing and Grrrl.

If they hold the event again...I would like to push myself a little more.  I was super lucky to be there with some women I know, but that also helped me stay put.  If I go again....I'd like to reach out more....ask to join with people I don't know, that sort of thing.

It is interesting to me now that time has passed....that I can pin point the moment I felt more comfortable.

It was when Heather asked me to help with the workshop.  I walked in there...she told me what she needed.....and I could relax.  Kinda like my acting shit....I am an actor, give me a script, direct me....and I'll do my best to do what YOU want.

Ahhhhh, so guess what else I am dealing with now....being an actor, without the strict structure too...Having to look at producing issues, fundraising issues, ahhhh.  Thank god I have Rod....and the large amazing group of other folks that are trying to help support me as we explore this piece.

Interesting.

I do know that the first few speakers zeroed in on something I needed to hear, just as I needed to hear it.

Be authentic.
Be yourself.
You have your story to tell.

You are enough.

Ok, I know this blog is frazzled today...but perspective was one of the other issues...Janea Kroc spoke.  I actually got to do the power lifting workshop with her as well.  I have seen the documentary about their life and I really wanted to meet her.

She spoke about perceptions....the pain they can cause, the assumptions that get made, all of that. That even she believed that being a woman meant she should be small...but she learned that strength has no gender.  This pain of thinking your accomplishments are your worth....her grace in sharing her story.  I really wanted to go up and say hi....to thank her for being visible.  I don't even think my kid knows who she is, but it makes a positive impact on the entire community.

So...I'm thinking, go up to her, it's ok.  She is of course swamped by people, so I wait.  I get to her, I know what I want to say...simple.  I just want to thank her for being visible...Guess what happens instead?

I fucking burst into tears.

Yup.

No idea why, I just sob...for her, for me, for my kid?  I don't know, none of that seems like it's the reason.  I have no idea, even now, why I unloaded on this poor woman, but I did....I thought I was gonna be all cool and just thank her, but nooooooo.....

I really didn't mean to put more on her, but there ya go.

Oh well...I got a photo of her and I together...she is way more beautiful than I am, but dang if we don't have the same Slavic nose....