Happy October

A new month...

This crap leading into it is pretty terrible.  I am doing all the work I can, but I have found myself back under the thumb of anxiety and flashbacks.

Seems that the thing that doesn't work for me is silence...Imagine that...I just keep trying to deal with it quietly...but when I let myself express my fear and rage and confusion, the anxiety is reduced.

Again...

IMAGINE THAT.

The flashbacks have been the worst...jumbled times, faces, fears.  I am super grateful for the team of ladies that are checking on on one another...Those of us who who believe one another, who have spent so many years in disbelief and dis-believed.  And silent.

I have modified my commitments. I had to back out of gatherings, couldn't face questions about old things.  I can't practice, I have a hard time going to the gym. "Peopling" has just been a challenge lately.  Especially around people who I know are lying.  Something about that is just too much for me right now.  You know the ability to say, " hey that's their stuff....it's ok." has left me for right now.

Frankly, I'm not sure if I will make it to Aztec.

On a different-yet the same- depressing note~

I have been hearing this on the radio...

Good Old Days

Grant and I were talking about it...this idea that there was some better time before is a bunch of crap, we just look back and see what we want to remember...and that really...right now....are "good old days" too....which brings me to the other platitude...

"You don't know what you've got til its gone"

I have only really heard this phrase i used in such a way that implies you really miss something or you took for granted something you had. 

I am not discounting that...I mean it happens.  But as we were chatting, I told Grant...for me, it has taken a lot of time away to see just how bad things were. 

Yeah, I didn't know what I had til I got free.

Try to put that to a snappy pop tune.

But....hmmm is there a but here?  Yeah....my hubby, my kid, my boss, this group of women who are checking in and for whom I check in... 

These are the good days.  The support in these days make these the good days.