Weird weekend

Weird weekend, weird numbers.

Been about a week since Prescott....it's been a challenging week too.  I was happily cast in a TV show, but you know, that comes with time issues of its own.  Thankfully, I am able to work form home occasionally.... so, I was able to rest a bit and just take it slow today...and well, write a little too. 

I haven't been writing much here because of my other project too.  I actually wrote a bit before I was called to set yesterday, which I was also happy about.  I know I am lucky, I have the kind of job and the kind of boss who gets the artistic drive...

I almost feel sometimes like I am done with theater....I don't want to be, but the last experience was rough....as those of you who know me, know.  I don't trust the ABQ theatre scene yet because of it and well, I am no long part of Santa Fe, so I am cutting myself off from that piece of my life. And I don't really want to.  Each time I say to myself, I am done with acting, something shows up. At this point it isn't theater, but film work or auditions that show up and say, no Mona you aren't done.  I have a strained relationship with film stuff too.  Over the last year or so; I am ashamed to admit, I started having massive anxiety both during auditions and on set.  The last piece I did, I had a full blown panic attack as soon as we started filming.  It was embarrassing.  Horrifying.  I have no idea what, if anything, will make it to the final cut.  I am praying you cannot see the panic..but I bet you can. Yet another reason I was feeling like it was time to bail.

I've been doing a lot of work...of the therapy kind...none of it traditional talk therapy...and during my last 2 auditions, I didn't start choking...and when I was on set the last 2 days...I was fine.  Nerves, excitement, but not panic.  I still don't know what a stint on an actual stage might mean, but to have the stage, the empty space,  become a place of panic was horrifying.  I am hopeful though, that if I can keep doing this work that I can someday get back to my work.

I have weird experiences too when I am on set...there are film ghosts for me.  The first thing I was ever cast in that was SAG was the TV show Manhattan.  It was maybe 2 months after my divorce and my ex was working on the show.  Let's keep it short and just say that did not go over well....I remember being afraid on set.  I think this is where the panic may have developed its seed.

Last night, I found myself looking around corners, looking at crew, wondering what they had heard about me.  Yeah...I actually had that thought...wondering if people I had never met hated me for something somebody may have said years ago.  I was looking for people I had met at parties so I could avoid them.

Then I realized in that same moment that I have met some of these people on other sets and no one seemed to hate me.  I have met people as I am, as me...not as a story told about me. I realized that I was still afraid on set, just like I was 4 years ago....but it was for ghosts....it wasn't real anymore. 

I am a bundle of joy to be around aren't I?

Well, now there is also the writing project I have mentioned before....I have given it to one of the most brilliant people I know and they actually want to help me shape this scratchy voice of mine.  We shall see. 

Oh this started as a blog about Prescott didn't it?

How was Prescott?

Freaking beautiful field, got to see lots of folks I haven't seen in a while.  I actually stopped being a hermit and fearful and actually went and hung out....TWICE. Dealt with some upsetting behavior and probably not in the best way; but hey, live and learn, right?

But how did you THROW Mona....enough with the emotional crap.

Height events were MEH...I had not touched sheaf in months and it showed...WOB was...ok.  Distance events though, stupid.  Now I will say this, Prescott is on a slant.  Every one calls it "Prescott PR's" you know they don't really count.  All I know is I worked on keeping my head up...and yes there is some advantage to the slant; but on hammers, the slant in the trig is tricky.  It messes with your balance. Shit, WFD, we had lots of scratches too...I found I had to have more precision on WFD than I thought. I got a season high on heavy weight and a a personal best of over 69 feet on light weight.  Heavy hammer didn't go so well, but light was very close to 90, also a personal best.

I, of course, completely discounted these on the field. After all they are Prescott PR's..Rachel said to me though, that she always throws well at Prescott and then the next season, those numbers become her next years averages.  Then there was Jason....

He yelled at me.

"Every field is different, every field has hills, what matters is that you threw and dammit, those numbers are real..."

Thank you sir....I will stop being an asshole about it.  

And I noticed that later all the A level women were posting Pr's...so why did I buy into this conversation that some how Prescott numbers are not "real."

 No fucking clue.

And why did I throw so much better here than in Pleasanton?

OHHHHHH, because it wasn't "real"  It didn't "count'?

What a dick....

Good lessons though.

And seriously, that last hammer I threw?  It was freaking beautiful and damn fast.....THAT was real, wasn't it...

I've decided I hate what I have allowed the numbers to become.  I am not sure when it happened, but the obsession with records and field records and world records....I hate it...for me I mean.  Honestly, I love love love cheering someone else on when they are going for a new world record(I am looking at you Michelle and Donna too!) But, I somehow let myself get caught up in a negative wave. For me....and I stress...this is only about me, it became yet another way that I could see how I don't measure up. Yet another weapon I could use against myself....instead of a feeling of accomplishment, they became a yardstick with which I beat myself.

Again....what a dick.

😆

So, I am gonna go with Rachel and Jason and Heather here...the Prescott numbers are a great yardstick from which to build...and let go...and enjoy....and be fucking real.

Thanks...for putting up with my dickishness.

Is that a "real" word?  HAHAHAHA.

See you on the field (and on stage too)