Well, I am not working out enough. I have been super irritated about that. The programing is very cool...not boring, not standard, specific to my sport...all the good stuff. I am doing the "important" days...according to BJJ, but that's it. I am not going further.
I have goals....maybe....sorta, have I written them down? no....so I don't even know what they are.
So what's my freaking problem.
Oh right, I remember this feeling....
I hate exercising. I really do.
I love to train.
I'm not training.
That's no one's problem but mine.
Not sure what I need to do about that. I mean, I guess all I need to do is change my mind set, but I gotta get there. It seems stupid to me, that I can't look ahead to Pleasanton for 2019 and drive my training toward that...but...I can't seem to do it. Waa Waa, it's too far away....blah blah...I need a year to train.
Today's workout was fun, we moved into the speed and volume portion of this 14 week program. Lots of jumping and weird shit. I just need to get my ass there and do the work.
So dear readers....what to do....kick me in the ass.....what should to focus on? Queen Mary games...that isn't that far off... that's a possibility.
Or I just ride out this malaise....and try this:
On a different note, today is a weird anniversary for me. It's the evening that I used to call my "dark night." For a very long time, I really knew that I would never move past the violence of that day. That I would be forever changed. I was changed, but something has happened to me 5 years later that I feel it is important to share.
I did change, but I am no longer defined by what happened to me that night. In some ways, I noticed this during the selfie project I did (am doing). Also, by things that people that I used to be friends with see me now. I went to this Theater Walk thing in Santa Fe and I had so many old friends say things like, "You look so happy, or You look great."
The fear, the pain, the PTSD is not written all over my skin anymore.
There is life after violence, after abuse. It takes time, but more importantly, it takes a lot of work.
I know it's easy to say, "just let go." But that is so far from what has happened. I hate that phrase actually...I had to grow, to change, to sweat and cry and scream, and the hardest of all, learn to trust. Perhaps for the first time ever.
We all know what a silly PollyAnna I am...at least on the surface, trust issues are weird for me...on one hand I am way too trusting...WAY TOO TRUSTING.....I will always try to see the good and that has left me open as a target for liars. But on the other hand...I never trust on that deeper level...especially of myself and my choices or of my instincts
Perhaps THAT is the shift that has happened to me recently, that is what is some how reflected on my skin these days....
I know I will have shadows of that night and more than just that night swim around my soul. I know there are things that send me spinning some times. But something has "let go" and for anyone reading who feels like it will never change, I hear you, I see you, I believe you. And I ask you to see me...and hear me, that it can get better.
'cause I never thought it could either....but tonight, five years out...I feel...different and for that I am grateful.
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