The thing that struck me over the weekend, aside from the sheer number of athletes, was the numbers of throwers that were families of throwers. It really was beautiful. Couples, moms and their kids, siblings, siblings and their dads who judge, dads and daughters, and we all know the grandma, daughter, granddaughter, and dad too.
Before the game I had posted a photo of my son and I on Facebook from 2012 when he competed with me, boy do those days seem long ago and far away.
There are always so many people to thank...that I know I will forget some...Chad and Lara getting this game grown to over 100 athletes....all the judges and the huge number of people who helped with set up and tear down and athletes who stayed an extra day on the field to mark...and fix those sheaf standards.
As for me...well, how was my game?
It was a typical game...some good stuff, some not so good. I wanna shout out to Mike and Teresa for pointing out some really shitty things I am doing when I throw, of course, they didn't say it that way...but yeah....the generosity is part of what I love about some of you guys. I watched Sarah and Donna get this fierce competition going while also supporting the hell out of one another....go women's 70 class! And Michelle...I love that woman...She was there for my first game too...and I love the firm but gentle way she deals with mistakes...and her joy.
I realized something too...I am having major issues with speed and power. I think tons of it comes from all the "guarding" I have done as I heal from shoulder and elbow and knee and heart stuff. But, I think I am ready to move on....let go of holding on...or some such thing.
The last 7 years have been hard...very hard....and at the end of the day it all washed over me. I happened to come in second, just like my first game in ABQ. I was thrilled. You know, I was throwing against Edie and Teresa...I mean Teresa holds like every record there is in two classes. And well, she threw two world records in this game too...breaking her own records of course! There was one moment during hammers when I was watching Edie and Teresa talking to one another and working some form stuff...their backs...and arms...and my god. Sorry....goddesses.
Anyhoooo...I was thrilled to take second. Fucking thrilled....then all of a sudden something shifted and I had to get out of there.
I heard a voice.
"oh first loser again"
Yeah....I kinda quickly gathered my stuff up because I felt like I just disappointed everyone, like there was this pressure to have been worth more...because I heard his voice again.... "oh first loser again." I gathered my stuff up and was walking away and I heard competing voices....Grant was calling my name, but all I could hear was the other person..."They don't really want you here, first loser. Can't you take a joke?"
Grant yelled for me to stop, I finally heard only him and he told me he was proud of me...and over the top...I hear it again.
Well, can you guess what happened? I lose my shit. I can't even explain to Grant what is happening because I don't even really understand it myself....Standing there in the middle of balloon fiesta park crying like an idiot over something I can't even put into words.
I don't fucking care about placements...I only care about how I am throwing....but there I am, feeling worthless and hearing that voice...that person who could not stand to have me be seen or heard; louder than my own voice, screaming me down...again...still.
When will these words, those actions leave my bones, get off my skin?
Maybe the number 7 will be magic...maybe this will be the year; my 7th year throwing, that the shift I need to silence his voice will happen. I don't need it, I never did....and I sure as hell don't now.
What's next? Well...Imma work on stones...Mike and Teresa pushed me and helped me see what I was doing....and, well...speed. Yea....speed. And...leaving that voice in the fucking dust as I speed right past...the past...
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