out of this habit

Sigh,  I want to keep writing, but I am out of the habit.  And, well, I probably don't really have much to say.  Putting it down and getting feedback it good.  I like knowing that there is someone who tosses the same stuff around that I do sometimes.

Ok, I think in my last blog, or maybe the one before I yammered on about my weight...well, I am down a little more.  I feel a little better too,  Funny how there seems to be crossover points for me.  God knows weight is only one measurement.  I frankly much prefer measuring how much I put on the bar...but I also know when I have tipped over a certain point that I don't feel great.  Hence the tracking.  So I'm at 231 this morning... I still think I throw and lift some where closer to 220-225 so, I will keep on it.

What am I doing?

Nothing.

I haven't cut out fat, or fruit, or grains...Just mindful of wheat....and corn.  I discovered corn hates me.  Just like beans....beans loathe me.  Trying to eat a little less when I'm not actually hungry (wow..imagine that) and eat more protein when I am.

I love all the things that kick starting diets or lifestyles if you prefer can do...but I cannot sustain them, other can, but nope.  nopie. nope. nope. nope. not me.  And y'all know I love me a Whole 30 kick in the ass once i a while...but yeah. 

Thai food.
Good Pizza
Sushi
pasta at Matucci's

So there it is.

I'm finally not wearing a knee brace all the time and I am pulling deads from the floor (not bodies you sicko)  I actually got a 300 dead this week and I have been much more consistently heading to the gym.

Keep telling myself I have to throw more, but it hasn't happened yet.  Tax season is a good excuse...been working more. OH....my transmission went on my car at the end of last week.  That was fun. On my morning commute too. Wheeee.

I am not resting enough. I am fighting too many battles right now.  Well, battles is way too strong a word, but I am fighting "too much stuff" sounds even dumber...more dumb?

So many of these things are born out of misplaced loyalty as well, which when I think too much about I makes me super tired. And, well, angry at myself.  I have this thing about loyalty...it kinda gets used as a weapon to keep people doing things from outside pressures, when the person knows full well it is no longer serving them. 

First time I chose this voice over my own (as an adult) was in Grad school.  I knew after my first year that it was a terrible fit.  But, I had made this choice and by god I was gonna follow through...  And boy it was the wrong choice.  Done it in many relationships as well.  One would think when your partner calls you and your children a "burden to his career" that one would leave, but no...I stayed at least 10 more years.  The cost of that loyalty to a vow that neither one of us upheld is incalculable.  Not to mention the financial burden I am still hauling around my neck. Loyalties to theater companies and jobs and even gyms.  Shit, I paid for a gym for almost a YEAR after I knew it wasn't somewhere I wanted to be, because? 

Oh...I allowed all of these things to become a part of my identity. I felt I belonged to something larger than myself; even as I was drained of who I am and the things I need.

So, driving Grant's big old truck up to Santa Fe these last few days, (my 1 hour commute turned into 2) I had a thought in my tiny brain....

It's time you learn to be loyal to you.

Loyalty:

 

      *the quality of being loyal to someone or something.

 * a strong feeling of support or allegiance.

Hmmm...

I wonder.