Maine, Goals, and flying kayaks.

 Sooooooooooooo,  Pleasanton this weekend!

Are you excited?  Yes

Are you ready?    No

What does ready mean?  Do I know?

Are you ready to throw?   Sure.

Are you ready to kick ass?  Um, no, not really...

I thought you were ready to throw?  Oh I am, I mean I am gonna throw so that makes me ready.  Am I gonna "throw my best"? Am I gonna "rock it" (what ever that means?)  Probably not.

Or maybe I am...'cause I am where I am.  My body feels how it feels.  I did what ever training I did and I can't do more at this point. Do I wish I had thrown "more"?  Come on after reading this silly blog for as long as you have you already know the answer...Of course I do, but I prepped how I prepped. 

Recently, my coach and one of the other coaches at my gym ran me through a series of tests...mobility type things...it was super informative. And frankly, that's all I have been doing the last three weeks.  Mobility and yoga and some limited drills. And have you ever worked on the inward rotation of your hip?  Let's just say mine sucks...and not just a little. It's what I've chosen to focus on.

AND then there is the game in Maine....I prob should have written about this sooner...but holy moly.

The one of the most challenging fields I have ever thrown on.  If you stood still too long, your feet started to sink and get covered with water.  Seriously. I know those of you coming back from Worlds experienced the same stuff!

The lesson AGAIN....do what you can.  I slowed way down, went to single turns on weights...was super careful with caber.  OHHHHH  caber....we had a thrower who had her caber stick....yes stick...straight into the ground and just stand there for probably 5 full seconds....while we all stared...while she turned and looked at us and asked if it was moving...then it finally fell.  Probably stuck in like 4 inches.

I realized how much attention I was paying to the ground...good thing for me to do...like always. What's the foundation you are building from, on anything...throwing, acting, anything.

Threw with a bunch of ladies I have never throw with before...they were amazing.  

The phrase for the game was: No boo boos, have fun!! Highland Games!!!

Sheaf...was a heavy heavy wet bag....Maximum effort for all of us at 18 feet...OOOOOF.

 I know I got great lesson last year in Pleasanton about heat...so, I take these "ground" lessons with me to P-Town.

I also get to watch women's worlds a little from where ever I am on the field.  SQUEEEE!

There is definitely a shift happening for me. My dear friend Donna would laugh at me....but I am feeling my age in a different way this year.  I am taking longer to recover and I don't feel as strong.  I think I have allowed some of this to affect my joy on the field.  Now that I have had this thought...it's time to bring some of that focus on my surroundings on the field to my inner self, my energy as well.  

As always...this sport has been about self competition...where am I? How can I be better...but it has also brought out the competitor in me....I need to be more thoughtful about that...return to quiet internal goals and to the joy of being around people who are pushing themselves can bring. How can I be the best me in this moment, how can I be a decent 55+ thrower without...damage...HA.

Time to work on something I spoke with the coaches at Elevate about..."How can I be the best that I can be....and not compare myself to the "younger" masters athletes?" After all...these amazing ladies are often 15 years younger than I am. That is real...and significant.  

How can I age in a way that hopefully prepares me to care for myself when I am 80? That's why we are working on my silly joints...and my mobility...and strength too...but I am feeling like the days of pushing for the maxes might be better left where they are.  Funny that I picked up yoga almost 2 years ago too, isn't it?

As for the last part of the title of this blog...yes, I was on the highway and a kayak flew off another car and hit mine.  I am fine...a little shook...and the car needs some work...but yea.

A flying kayak.

Thank god for body workers!

See ya in Pleasanton...and see you when we get back!

Little post it notes. Little obsessions.

 Oooof,  this is gonna be weird and wild and probably a complete jumble.

Here I go....what the hell is that photo is probably the first question. Well, it is sorta a symbol of how I can obsess.  I make excel spread sheets and have little post it notes all over my computer, and I also make a list on a special little tablet; all of this to keep track of a debt I have been working to pay off since 2016.

Redundant much?  Yes.  Like I would forget to make my little consistent payments if I didn't have these notes? 

This photo represents almost 7 years of post it notes...not always green or blue.  I have gone through the rainbow on these.  Anyway....why I am telling you this?

I was coming close to the end of this little obsessive project of mine when I realized that instead of all the little payments over the next 6 weeks or so, that I could instead tear the fucking band aid off now. That I actually had the ability to just be done with this piece of things.  This debt that has felt like way more than a debt for so long. Please don't get me wrong...I have never regretted the purpose of this debt...never...but for those of you who know me well...there are all the other painful pieces that were attached...

I submitted the last payment today.  I may have cried a little.

I have had a lot of people tell me that I will feel like a weight has been lifted....I can't say I feel that yet.  I kinda wanna see the big fat 0 on the screen when I log in.  Also....and this is fucking awful...

What the fuck...what now, how, who am I...huh? How did paying this debt become such a huge piece of my identity.

Fucking Gross.

But I know I let that happen because of my pain...and that I allowed someone else to help set that tone...that tone of  "that is all I was good for anyway." That no one really cared what I could do for them unless it was to pay...

And some of that will never go away.  But the huge difference is I know I have a choice...and I know now that I also had a choice and made that choice all those years ago because it was, at the core, what I WANTED TO DO.

So now what?

All the tracking, all the post it notes feel like old friends. I just need some time for this to settle....I start thinking about all the things we should be doing, ways in which to help, how to lay it all out, and I start to feel manic.

I need to put the planning down for a moment.

Maybe for the rest of the year, just to let this settle and sink in.  

Not sure I am capable of doing it...but I am guessing it's the best thing I could do.

Oh and I am going to Maine next week...WHAT?

More on that later...

Shifting Shifting

 Wow, I have been super duper consistent writing this year.

2 whole blogs written this year.  It's been a weird year so far.

Oh well, I think it has been for everyone.  

As for throwin', I started strong this year.  Decent form, a PR on sheaf....I have sorta fizzled now.  My workouts have fallen off a bit....my focus has been else where....got an offer to work on a new theater piece, started a group therapy thing, was helping Grant with Games AD stuff, Emery moved out on his own (with roommates! Whoot), and some weird shit with people super dumping shit on me that wasn't all mine. Oh and work has been....hair on fire kinda shit.

This is gonna be a huge transition year for me, I kinda new that going in...and it is showing up everywhere.

Lots of focus on trying to heal some shit around food....which, yea, I know I have talked about in here for a while, but I am....Struggling....still....and I don't feel like I have any coherent thoughts to even write down.

Any way...what the hell is my point? I dunno.  I like keeping up my blog and perhaps I need to focus it again on my gym and throwing goals.

So...I threw in Cheyenne this weekend.  And well, as I texted a few friends this weekend...you get out of things what you put into them...sometimes... Sometimes we can train very hard and it doesn't really show (yet) and sometimes we can take a big break and it turns out that is just what we need to lift or throw well.

Ok...so how'd ya throw Mona...eh...not so great.  But I tried to stay focused on form.  BUT....then I hurt my back...on sheaf....pulling too hard....cause I wanted "something" instead of what?  what was that? FOCUSING ON FORM.

Finally had a decent Light Weight...and yes...for my new age group...it was a tiny bit past the record.  Which, is freaking cool...and let's remember...records get broken...they are supposed to...that's why it's cool.  In fact that sheaf record I set in Vegas is back in the hands of the best women's 50+ master out there.  Congrats Teresa!  I saw the video...it was sweet.

One of the best parts of the weekend was watching my friends Linda and Edie come back to the games.  Edie has a new hip and man oh man...is she BACK! It was great to watch.

What is my point?  

I focused my early part of the year on the wrong things...I need to go back to MY goals, as I said....records are indeed....awesome to set, but personal records and goals...that is where I need to be....which I should and will (??) start posting here more.  

The other, and really most important thing was some thing I wrote about the phoenix game and the crowd engagement.  That is the real shit there...

And this weekend....oh man....we had the most awesome families watching us.  I kept bringing weights out into the crowd for people to hold (don't tell Ryan!) and going over caber rules and all sorts of fun stuff.  Then there was a little boy who was asking questions...was interested in holding a hammer...he then asked me my name.  He then started calling me Miss Mona.  Oh my...he was like 6 years old and was wearing a Bat Man shirt...I asked him his name, and then said, "wait, don't tell me..it's Bruce Wayne, right?"  His eyes got huge...he started talking about batman and all the work he does.  Then he looked down...and started to giggle.

It made my damn day.  The shit throws, the shooting pain in my back...none of it mattered in that moment.  

And then...they followed me around and were my cheering section.  Pain or not, I would turn and wave with a big stupid smile on my face...cause those little kids were all that mattered in that moment...I don't wanna get sucked into thinking that doesn't really serve me...or even serve the games really.

That is the shit right there...that's it.  

Personal goals and making memories. 

shhhh

 

 secrets

We all have secrets....that much I know....we all do.  Back in 2005 my friend Rod introduced me to Post Secret.

 

 Post Secret

I open this web site every Sunday...EVERY SUNDAY...and read secrets. I really think I have done this now for 18 years.  

Sometimes these are silly, sometimes heart breaking. 

But our secrets...I guess the same.  We have things we keep silent about that are silly or no big deal and...yea, they may or may not be heart breaking.  

I have never sent a postcard....but I have my secrets. I realize we all have of lots of things we never say, but they go away or don't mean much, but I think there are some secrets that weigh on us.  That's part of why people send their secrets to this site.  

Recently, I shared something I have never spoken aloud....I have indeed spoken in general terms about some of the things that happened to me as a child...but the details or some of them have just sat in my brain and even in my body since I was about 8. Well, on a road trip, Grant asked me a rather pointed question, and as is the way some times....I answered...but he asked a little more....and well, out some of it came.

It felt...odd...disturbing.... in how calmly I said certain things that I had previously KNOWN that if I spoke aloud my world would crumble.  Instead; I felt, as happens sometimes...a weight lifted from somewhere off myself. And, as no surprise to me, Grant just listened. Asked some questions, did not freak out or jump out of the truck...hahaha. There is something to sharing in a moving vehicle though, isn't there...you don't have to look directly at someone.  I know when the kids were younger, that is often when they would share the hard stuff.

Then.....oh my.....a few weeks later we were with some other folks and a conversation started about micro dosing mushrooms and why someone might benefit...and my panic went to 11.  I looked at this man who I had just told something I had never shared and was sure he was gonna drop it on the floor in front of other people.  I was sure that the "world would crumble." 

I felt bad later.  Truly.  When we left he knew...He could see it on my face probably. The fear, the lack of trust....but he didn't drop that shit on the floor.  He assured me he never would.  And I know that to be true.

Now.

But I didn't for that moment. 

I am pretty sure we have experienced a moment when someone lets something fly they didn't know was meant just for them, or worse (much worse) our secrets are used as a weapon against us.

So what is your point Mona?

I dunno.

I have started this blog a few times and I cannot remember my original intent.

I just feel grateful...for Post Secret, for finally feeling safe enough to let go of a "secret" I have held since I was 8, for the release that I feel in speaking it, and for the space that I was given in which to speak it.

Hopefully, you have that too.

Phoenix Highlights and something that is hard to share....

 

Phoenix Highlights and something that is hard to share....

I fell far far off the blogging habit...oh well. I had tried to work on a post about secrets and I just fell in a deep hole.  

Worried this one may do the same.

 

Had my first game of the season this past weekend.  The more seasoned ladies threw on Sunday, which meant I got to watch some of the Pro women throw...and some top level A's.  That is always a treat.  I mean I prefer throwing on Saturday, but  it was so fun to watch them throw. 

We started on caber...I freaking love caber.  The stick wasn't heavy, but she was long.  16' 6". I turned her 3 times with two of them being 12s.  Then stone...I've been working stone...but clearly not enough...I still, after all these years, don't get my hip around enough. But for a season starter...25+ and 30+ on open.  

Yuck.

Then, weight for distance....to say I was nervous was like a major understatement. This is the event in Aztec that finished tearing up my knee.  SO, first heavy...tentative, yes...did it hurt? no. I tried adding a little umph on throw number 2, got a little further...added a little more gas on number 3...47' 4.5...what what?

I asked them to hold the tape, cause I though that the record might be 47 10 or something...I was grateful the ladies didn't mind nor did Tom...turns out the record was 46+...so, yea...if everything weighs in and IF they take it, I may have set a record in my first game of the year.

But those of you who know me....know that for some reason....some stuff gets...buried, forgotten, or whatever.  So, all I know is that is what I threw and hopefully I can build on it.

Sadly...it got me a little excited for light weight...I got close but I wanted it too much and I messed up that one.  Again though, I got over 60, which I have been struggling with.  Grant thinks I am not "feeling the weight" on the back part of the swing.  I also saw from a photo that I need to get that hip further around.  

I have issues with my hip.  I have some nerve damage on the left side that perhaps never healed...I mean I was told it was "permanent" but I like to ignore those kinds of comments.

Hammer made me super sad.  I had such a great year last year on hammer...winding up for my firs throw...it feels good...I lose it into the cage..and strain my pec.  So...I never did settle down so hammers were sucky.

Then height....it was fun...really fun....it was all about the crowd.  I had some great throws but it didn't feel right to just push and go up...the old ladies really worked the crowd.  On WOB we had a couple of officers join us...and it was just fun.  There were people yelling..."I bet you can't get that...if you do I'll buy you a beer." And it was just right, you know...we are entertainment.  

I mean I know we have goals...but the crowd...that's what it is all about...(that dude did bring me a beer, so kudos to him for following through.) We had people hi fiving us and yelling and taking photos with us. 

That's the fucking gold right there....

So, I "have work to do," but more importantly; we have crowds to entertain!

Now for this crap that's been in my shitty brain for a bit.

It's early spring, so you know what that means? 

It's  Before and After season!

Sigh.

 First...lemme be clear...You do you.  If this makes ya happy go for it.  If you are super proud and wanna show off weight loss...GO FOR IT....

As for me, I am trying to unlearn some shit and for ME...I need to heal my relationship with food.  

And I don't mean that lightly.  I could write a whole lot about the things I learned as a kid, all the ways to hate my body, that I used food to feel in some sort of control since I was 3 or 4. But I won't go into it all here....just know I have been on and off and on diets or some such thing since I WAS 3 or 4...and was hospitalized for not eating at 4 years old and in my teens and early 20's I would play a game of "how long can I not eat food."   

That being said...I did this shit to myself well into my 50's....so here is my before and after photo.

 

Oh she looks great in that first photo doesn't she....I bet you might praise her for losing weight...and dang that second shot...well...she's let herself go.

Know the truth here?  That joy in the second photo was impossible for the woman in the first photo. I was working out 6 days a week...not in a joy filled way but as punishingly as possible. I had cut out gains, dairy, beans, most fruit.  I was dealing with suicidal thoughts around the time of that first photo, I was being belittled nearly daily, and I was often afraid of going home.

So what's healthier?

So what would you praise?

I dunno...I know I'm fat in that second photo...but I am more me than I have ever been...I love working out because I love to move and to build strength, not so I can be as small as possible....I eat and despite what someone who doesn't know me might think...I eat a shit ton of good for me food...both good nutrition and things that make me happy. I screwed with my metabolism for a very long time and I am working on fixing it....which means eating, not dieting.

I may always be a fat girl now because of all the years of dieting, but you know what? If I keep finding joy....so be it.

It's my joy Before and After.....