Yoga

 So...Yoga.....I've been doing this little experiment because I needed something different... so what am I up to now you ask? Do you still hate it, you ask?  Hmm. 

No, I don't hate it. I still hate myself sometimes as I am doing it....I sometimes pretend to hate the free YouTube instructor I follow...but no I don't hate it.

I am pretty sure I would still hate the in person classes though...ha.  

Well, what did I want from this and did I "get" it?  

I am not sure, I just wanted something different, maybe some flexibility, maybe some peace?

Did I "get" those things on this the 84th day of doing yoga?  The answer is a resounding..."eh....I don't know."

I do know that I seem to make sure I find time to fit in some yoga every day.  I do know I hate the "flow" style of yoga, that I prefer the quiet, slow, meditative movements.  I do know I still struggle with the sinew and bone body that is showing me "how easy a pose is" when they have clearly never had a large belly.  I do know that I feel more grounded in my feet.  

 

I am looking forward to my first game to see if and how this influences my throwing.  

I came up with a name for my yoga practice as I posted a few photos on line...It seemed to be a bit misleading....

I do know that I have had a few folks ask me...well, what is Mastodon Yoga....oh...sorry...that's just me...doing yoga....I got that nickname in Texas back in 2013...Instead of "bad ass" I wanted something that reflected who I am as a thrower, and someone came up with Mastodon....Old (extinct), slow, big, but strong....I like it.  

This little gal seems to reflect perfectly how I feel when I am practicing yoga....

 Perhaps in time, if it still feels useful to my mind~body~soul, I will start to feel like this one:

 

This majestic as fuck Mastodon...but, well...this IS me we are talking about, so....no.  Probably not....Plus, I'd miss the little beret...
 

 

Trying to settle.

 So last Monday, I get to the new gym...and I go in without my head phones...ahhhhh.  Kidding.  Sorta. Really, I know it sounds weird but it is nice.  Now I know some of my friends have teased me that I needed a "more social" gym.  Eh....maybe....but it's not like I stand around chatting.  I mean, I do my 50+ minutes and head to work.  But yea...I will say, I prefer the head nods, the "hey, how you doing today," the.."oh god what torture did your coach give you."  I guess I did need something more social, if that is what social is.  😊

I will admit, it is tricky for my sad broken brain to be back in the land of LuLuLemon...I am working super hard at breaking my patterns of self judgement and well, self loathing. 

One of the things I have always enjoyed is watching other people work on shit...It's fun at Elevate to try to guess what people are training for...they do train lots of runners and they train a lot of the guys on New Mexico United.  I really hope I am not creepy about it...I mean I watch cool stuff people are doing, I don't gawk...I laugh a lot too watching some folks because if I tried some of the core work and work on the slide pad thinggy and all sorts of other stuff....I'd be broken or I'd laugh so hard I'd wet my pants.

Now that it has been almost 3 months...I am seeing some of the same people in the mornings...there is one woman who I just love watching.  She's probably 10-15 years older than I am and DAMN she has the most beautiful arms and more than that I just love how she moves....she has amazing balance and she is super strong.  I haven't actually talked to her yet...it's not like I just wander around trying to be social after all. 

Anyhoo....I am finished with my workout and I am cooling down on the fake grass...so is she....she scoots over to me and takes out her head phones and says, "I just wanna say I love watching you work out. I know you compete and I know that it takes a lot of work. (how does she know this??) It is great to see women putting in all of this effort."  

I just wanted to die.  Really.  I said to her..." oh my god, I have been wanting to tell you how beautifully you move since I started here. You are so strong and your balance is amazing."  

These two old women on the turf just enjoying the very different ways in which we move.  

Her name is Shirlene....and it was such a beautiful birthday gift.  

And yea, I cried.

Fight me....

😆💖

CVS

 Popped into CVS to grab someone's meds the other day....and well, right now there is still a bit of an issue with people getting at home tests...I think...

Anyhoo....I approach the door and outside there are no less than 4 signs...4....one on either side of each door and one ON each door that say.... "At home tests are at the register, not at the pharmacy."

Ok...4?

In side...I kid you not...at least 6...as you walk in on varying size stands. 

As I walk to the back of the store toward the pharmacy...every single aisle....on BOTH sides....the same sign.

 

I get to the pharmacy.....at least 4 more signs as you approach the counter...at LEAST.

 

So I get to the counter...a young woman calls me up and the manager is standing at the register next to her....I try to gather myself up, but I lose it and start laughing....a little too loud.

 

The manager asks...  Are you ok?

Me: yea, I was going to try to ask you if I could get the home test kits from you, but I could not stop laughing.

Him: Yea, can you believe it, people still ask.

Me: No....(laughing harder)

YW: Oh god yes, they ask.

Me: Dang, I wish I could have pulled it off.

Him: This is by far better, glad you have a sense of humor....

YW: We need it.

Him: More of it.

Me: Well I am happy to be stupid entertainment, so tell me, can I have a test?

And we all laugh.

At the CVS.

Frustrated and laughing....

I mean....let's laugh, cause I am tired of crying....

But I sure did leave with a smile....and no home test.....  😅

 

Art? Artist?

So back in the before times, when reality shows were new...I loved Queer Eye.  When this reboot happened I was skeptical. The first season was a little wonky...but I feel like they worked out the bumps and frankly, I really like it.

Emery and I discuss which of the folks on the show scare us the most...like who are you intimidated by or who would you be scared that they would look at you and say , "oh  my I can't help you."  Ha.  Emery is intimidated by Tan....Me~Karamo.  Frankly Tan for me a little too, cause....he's so beautiful and I have never been much of a dresser...

If I am gonna be honest...it is a deep dark secret of mine that I would love to be on one of these kinds of make over shows....that's part of why I watch some of them....oh to have Nate & Jeremiah redo my house...SWOOOOOON.

I mean...I never would....but it is this fun fantasy as I watch.

Then I watched this final episode of season five.

 Queer Eye Episode

 I put the link in there just in case you are interested...but super short version...Reggie, a musician, was on the verge of some big shit in his career..opening for some huge artists....then, well...covid....

And...he just can't any more.  I mean he helps other artists, but his own work? Not so much...he just feels like...."well, my shot was right there and due to things way out of my control....they are gone and well...maybe that is MY sign that it isn't meant to be and I am done."

To say that I felt this....that this hurt to watch...oh boy.  Now I was no where near what this man was doing in terms of commercial success....but the end of 2019....Rod and I had produced the show...in March of 2020, it got accepted into a festival in NYC.  The day that happened...the day we got that acceptance...I knew, I knew that was my one and only shot to ever perform in NYC and I cried. Well, we all know how THAT year ended up being for theater.  

We had been told we'd be notified and given preference for 2021, but we never were...

The app was up for 2022.....and all I think is, well, it was a moment in time. The time is gone...just let go.  But in the mean time I have spent 2 years doing virtual auditions, which I clearly am not very good at because has your girl been cast? 

no.

I know very well that many of you have heard me talk about not feeling like either an actor or an athlete and being both an athlete and artist.  So yeah...not new....but....this 2020~2022 feels different...like it does for everyone...

All I know is I felt this episode of this silly makeover show...more than is probably normal....even for me.

Gym experiment

 So after Worlds...in November, I needed a break.  I needed something different. 

As you know I opted to give a 30 day yoga thing a shot.  Again, not 30 in a row, but 30 days.  I also started looking at new gyms.  

I know I know I always long for the days of nooners at Praxis.  I know it was a unicorn and I have finally finally come to understand just how lucky I was at a place and with people that just clicked, that pushed and supported.

Ok, that's done...that's ok!  

So the question becomes now, what do I want? What am I looking for? 

The gym I am at, IronSoul, is a great place....great equipment..but it isn't really a good fit.  I am not looking for a place that is so social that you don't get work done, but you know, for meeeeee.....coming in and seeing the same people for months and months and trying to make eye contact and finally after 18 months getting a head nod....was making me ...well....sad? Then throw in the pandemic....and a lot of the people who did acknowledge one another....some of the lady gym crushes moved on.... :)  ANd the freaking commute....I know, I am aware that I know people who drive from Santa Fe to ABQ to go to a gym they love...but that's part of the point isn't it...they love that gym, they fit...

I was also struggling a bit with remote coaching....again....great stuff...great support....but...was I really doing anything correctly....was I really even pushing myself...I was finding reasons to not go.....

So I started looking....there are some good "box" gyms out there...and I thought I might wait to see about the Defined that is supposed to open by the house....but WHEN IS IT OPENING??

So Kyle, one of the body workers I go to, told me he was checking out a new gym, so I thought what the hell....he description made me think it might be worth looking at.  So at the end of November I made an appointment to check it out...It's not Crossfit, but it's not, not CrossfitISH.  They have 3 different levels of training...single, pairs, and something they call "squads".  The squads are basicly small group training with folks that have similar goals.

I will admit...I walked in defensive...walking into a new gym in a larger body kinds of armor...and they paired me with a trainer for an "assessment" UGH...but interestingly it was mostly a mobility assessment...There is a three month commitment to start...so I am about half way through...

The first month, I was on this high rep cardio killer shit that made me laugh.  But working with the trainer they gave me was kinda cool...I was up front right away, Dude...I cannot afford the one on one for three months...and they said fine...we can work together a month, see where you are and find a "squad."  

The first one on one we had was interesting...I mean like slow down please...I gotta constantly catch my breath...I was getting super frustrated with  myself, but whatta gonna do...I just kept moving.  Then as he was walking me through their lifting areas, "showing" me lifts and watching me lift for the first time, he said something to me.

"hmmm, You are really capable."

Not said with shock or surprise.  No superlatives like "bad ass" which honestly has always fallen flat on my ear, my body...

Capable.

I really liked that...and after that first month...I felt better about my conditioning and he wanted to move me back into lifting.  I was a little like...maybe I should stay put...but I am in the second week of his programming...I told him he is evil for having front squats and deads the same day...but...I may have him add another day that is just the annoying conditioning....

The last private session we had...I asked if they had found a "squad" for me.

 

Him: No.

Me: Oh.....

Him: No one here is really doing what you do.

Me: Oh....

Him: Don't worry about the pricing though.

Me: Ok...but that's not really...

Him: We all talked about it (the other trainers) and we are hoping we can eventually guide some people toward the kind of lifting and strength training you are doing. To form a squad around you instead of fitting you into one that isn't what you need.

Me: Oh...ok...

So there it is....not sure I fit here either, or that I will stay.  I mean I have actually spoken to some folks here....like people I see at the same time of day...like, a women came up to me after like a week just to say hi....and shit people look you in the eye...and I am sorta the outlier walking in with head phones. And I joked with a friend that it sorta feels like walking into a LuLuLemon showroom...I am definitely the fat kid in this place...  😏

Anyhoooo.....they have a cool mobility class I can take for free as well, which is nice...and it looks like they plan outings once in a while too~I saw a snowshoeing thing they offered recently.

I have about 6 more weeks to decide...

It really isn't so cut and dry this time...it isn't like I walk in and say "this is it." I wish it were...and I miss working out in the mornings with Grant...but he and I need different things...and oh...it is much closer to the house as well....

Six more weeks...and a game on the horizon....oh and can you imaging...I am doing another 30 day yoga thing....more on that later.