another doo dad on perspectives....

 Gosh dang it....I have tried to write this blog for a couple of weeks now...trying to write something in a way that doesn't make me sound like a total asshole or like I am bragging...

It's just a thing.

So, perspective...I gotz me some issues regarding my body...you know this already.  

A while back, I went on a short little girls trip to Pagosa Springs with 3 friends. Being in a swim suit is a mess for me....but whatever...SO I am with my lovely friends...these ladies are beautiful, inside and out. I get into my usual bullshit self hating thing...hiding as well as I can as I usually do. Then we start talking about leg pain and hamstring issues....so I show the ladies a couple of mobility things I have learned over the years.

To my shock...one of my friends says, "damn, look at your legs, I wish I had your legs."  I think I froze, I may have actually looked behind me to see who she was talking to.  Me?  The chubby one of the group?

Huh....but I looked at my legs and realized the movement I was doing was really challenging...so I took the compliment.  I took that bitch.

😆

About a week later, we had a new client come in the office and I was wrapping up some paperwork for her...well, she's a personal trainer and I was asking her about her work and her focus.  I made some sort of comment and she said..."oh no, I can tell you are strong...I wish I was built like you." 

Again...Is she talking to someone behind me?  I think I said something like...Really?  Then we laughed about how we all want something that we think someone else has and we miss the gifts sitting right in our laps.

These were lovely lessons.

And oh...I hired another coach.

A nutrition coach....but not like you may think.  Someone who focuses on destroying "diet culture" and the damage left.

I know for those of you that have tagged along with me a while, you know I have done quite a few of the "extreme" ways of eating...but this shit moves deeper...I am hoping this is work I can do to keep healing the broken little bits.  

Oh...and speaking of...did you know that a disco ball is made of hundreds of broken pieces of glass....so maybe we aren't broken, we are perhaps disco balls.

I won't do that again....

Well, I threw some things Sunday.  I know in March and April, I had been keeping track of my practice throws and coming up with some goals....Well.....That didn't go as I had hoped. Like...not at all...so those hopes I had for November.  Well, I am letting those go....into the trash...like my form.  

I have been working on little form details, but nothing sticks once I am in the field.  Biggest disappointments? Braemar and WFD...and heavy hammer liked to kill me.  

But, as I told someone else this weekend...I was out there, so that's a win.

 

Braemar 23 1

Open 29 5

HWD 35 5

LWD 54 8

HH 59 10

LH 79 5

WOB 16

Sheaf 24

Both Height events, I stopped before I was "done" so height stuff feels pretty good.  The Achilles is rough, even today....I suppose these numbers are where I start from. I mean practice is practice, but games are different...right?  I took a HUGE fall on light weight...huge...I just stayed on my back for a while...Michelle just laughed at me because I had joked right before the throw about "how many different ways I could fall."  oooops.

One of the many things I learned this weekend is that Judging and throwing don't mix.  I mean I already knew that.  I know I cannot judge on a Saturday then throw on a Sunday. SO when one of our judges was sick this weekend, Michelle and I thought...no big deal....we can switch off.  

No.

I mean, no.

The thrower before me would throw, then I would feel Michelle taking the clip board from my hands and all I thought (nearly every time) was, "what? it's my turn...I'm not ready."  And I wasn't.

It was tough....may or may not reflect in my numbers. 

I should have just said...not biggy, I'll judge. Let go of that desire to prove something or be something I am clearly not any more...and judge.  

I really do love judging, although what ever group I get probably get sick to death of my impromptu singing and obscene jokes; peppered with reminders to drink water and reapply sunscreen.

I was thrilled that Michelle joined us, to see her tenacity and strength after the last few years of physical challenges was really nice, beautiful really.  And my dear friend Donna as well.  I wanna cry when I watch her work.  She fills my soul in a way that I have no words to describe; and I am so very grateful both of these women are in my life...There is a level of grace...grace toward themselves, that I find myself envious of....but I know it's possible by watching them fight and recover and accept and push all at once.

 As for me, I still find much more to beat myself up about than to enjoy.  I don't like that.  

A dear friend said to me today, "it's interesting to watch you beat yourself up, even over a paper clip."  When she said it, I thought...what?  Then I remembered a little more clearly what I had said about a paper clip....

a paper clip....I criticized the decision to pick it up...I made fun of myself for making the wrong choice about a paper clip.

Some time soon, I just need to let paper clip be a paper clip and put it down with no judgement about how I put the damn thing down.  My worth is not tied to the distance of my light hammer.  My worth is not tied to letting go of intense training in one part of my life. I'd rather hope that singing to the athletes I judge actually has more to do with my worth than how far I throw.

 

Again with the goals? sheesh...

 Ok ok...so I got a few more throws tracked in the last two weeks...

Last Sunday I throw a couple of hammers...heavy hammer for the first time in a long bit.  Think it was low-mid 60's.  So...goal?  68?  Threw one light hammer out to just over 80'....shocked on that...just spent the time trying to fix my knees....you know, using those bendy leg things.  So I was shocked when it popped out that far.  

Lets see...this weekend...stone was stupid....but I got my head up.  But no progress toward my stone goal that's for sure.

WOB this week...really working on the bendy leg thing again....I actually did clear 17' pretty handily too...so I stopped.  Mainly because I was focusing on form...and well, it took me quite a few throws to get things lined up and moving like they should.  Still hoping I can clear 17'6" by November.

Sheaf....threw sheaf without tweeking my hamstring this time...so I was able to stay with it.  AGAIN, just like WOB, took me a bit to warm up into it. Chad was awesome and was watching some of my early throws....I was pulling with my left arm before I even crossed the mid point.  Like hard...so thank you Chad for helping me fix that shit.  I was, after all, throwing that little 10 pound bastard for distance instead of height...so annoying.

But....by the end of the session...I shot one up to 24'...um...pretty happy with that.

I do believe I had set that as my goal...so lets push that up to 25'.

Not so good news n the Achilles...I was sore after.  I am trying to be super thoughtful about stopping before it hurts...and also really really trying to use my legs without guarding.  

THAT is not easy.

And stone....fuck me...and the stones I throw.

I guess I need to go through these couple of posts an put these goals in a list somewhere so I can be clear about what I am working towards.

All the unspoken

 Been doing a bit more hanging out with some of my female friends over the last 5 years or so than I have probably most of the rest of my life.  I am noticing something...

All the things we don't say...all the stuff we don't share about what seem to be very large parts of our lives.  I mean let me say first to those of you who might read this and whom I happen to chat with often...we do chat and share some amazing shit.  

Fears, goals, spiritual life, traumas and healing from said traumas....so please don't think I am dismissing all the amazing conversations I have with some pretty amazing women in my life.....but....I have noticed something missing...

 

Sex being the first one....like~really~talking about it. What IS it....what is it for you...what makes something amazing and what makes something blah....what feels like 'enough'? I am pretty sure this gets glossed over because of all of the cultural and religious taboos about not just sex but talking about sex.  I think sometimes I THINK we talk about sex...but it seems to be super surface. And frankly, if things are awful...we REALLY don't talk about it. We may say at some point...well my ex and I never really "connected" or "it's not really that important to us" and leave it at that.  

It just seems like such an important part of who we are and we kinda just hide the bad shit and give a wry smile over the good....well, maybe that is me....but it seems....like it's lots of us.

The other is about our kids....again, I have a feeling this is cultural as well.  We share all their successes and the joys...but sharing the pain...oh god no....that is taboo.  I think in part I have done this because I don't want my friends to think I am ungrateful or that I don't love my kids...but being frustrated or hurt by your kids doesn't mean you don't love them.  

I know when kids are little, we sorta have this list of complaints..the sleep...the tantrums...the clothes left on the floor in front of the dirty clothes basket....the homework arguments....but as we all age....what is the list then? What is normal? How do we share with our friends the pain of being cut off by a child, the fear and anger in that.  How do we share the fear and frustration in not knowing really who they are or maybe knowing too much or being depended on for too many things.  Who are we as moms once the kids are grown...how did you negotiate that?  How do you make the transition into Grandma.  Was this what you imagined or dreamed about when you thought of motherhood?

The love the loss the fear the joy....all of it seems barely touched by us in fear of other's judgements perhaps...perhaps in fear of self judgement...knowing, fearing we could have been better; knowing, fearing we failed a child or a partner somehow. 

What becomes ok to share with friends...how much of myself do I hide from other women I call friend? What can be gained by exposing some of this? Maybe nothing...and shit, I'm not talking about shouting it to the world; although if that works for you fucking go for it....I mean...I did write a whole show about things that I never shared with people as I was going through it (so there IS that).

I dunno....I just thought I'd throw some of this "on paper" so to speak...I have learned a couple of very interesting things from a couple of ladies recently and it just got me thinking....and it helped me turn my own issue on its side to look at it from a different direction and I have really appreciated that experience.

Maybe I am just looking for more of it....

Shhhhhhh More silly goals

 Okie Dokie....

I threw again yesterday.  

Caber....WOB....Weights.

So how did it go yesterday? Big take away, I stopped.  Yuppers....I stopped BEFORE I started to hurt.  WHEEE!  Started the day at weights...spinny shit is the most dangerous part of the Achilles so why not start there?  WHrew a bit of heavy first...lobbed a few out into the low 40's...I was pleasantly surprised at that.  Then I threw a light...the first on was over 60...like 62 or 63?  It really has been a while since I threw in the 60's. I must have been a bit excited because Nik got super excited and asked it if was a PR...no, no not even, but I was still pretty stoked.  I was even happier because I was staying low through the trig and getting some pep on that last turn.

SO what think you dear reader? If I keep working on this...might I get back to some solid MID 60's range in 6 months?  Maybe? Maybe.....

OK  WOB...ugh  I used to be really good at WOB.  In fact, I found these gems on Facebook today from Dana McDonald.

6 years ago I tossed that bad boy 19'6"  This weekend? I didn't clear 17...I hit the bar once, but didn't clear it.

Yikes.

This one actually pains me...but I gotta get over that.  This is where I am ... Ok...so maybe IF I WORK ON IT....I am thinking I could get 17"6".  I am having issues guarding my Achilles on this one...I am not using my legs....and I am pulling out to the side with my arm.  Lots to fix.

Caber...well...that's caber....I brought MacKenzie out, but I didn't drag my ass over there soon enough. I did throw a couple of smaller sticks and felt pretty good about my finish.

I think I need a tripod so I can start using a simple tool....fucking video...hahahha

Ok..there are a few more goals....need to look at sheaf again and open stone...AHHHHH...then I will have a list to start working on.