Crossfit

So...shit...

It's been weeks since I've written.  Many reasons....

good and bad.


Been meaning to write...

about training, about the CAT programing we finished, about my loss of mojo for throwing, about my protein challenge, about my kiddo, about my shitty behavior, about being in love, about forgiveness....

and...

nothing.

So.  Here I am, a tiny break in my day.  How do I start this yet again? 

Protein thing went fine...I guess...Learned some of the same old lessons about myself.  I feel less bloated.  But it's not like I leaned way out or anything.

CAT programming?  I stuck with it.  Got a couple of pr's...big one for me was my Back squat.  Hit 350. 

Started in on the 7 week programming BJ is doing for the Crossfit open and guess what?  I didn't bitch and complain.  I just am doing it.  BJ and I did sit down and talk about last years programing, when to start, what to add, that sort of shit.

I made him promise not to tell anyone that I asked him to include some of the jumping we were doing in the CAT programming...and the "athletic" burpees....and as much jumping as we could fit in there, and some of the side to side shit he programs for the skiers, did I mention the jumping.  The whole time we were working on jumping shit I complained..."Stop making me jump, I'm a heavy athlete!"  Turns out, I'm a pretty good jumper...and frankly, I can feel the benefit with my hips, but you know, I have a reputation to maintain.....BJ did an amazing job for me last year.  His thoughtful programing kept me healthy and mobile.

I also told BJ I understood that I needed to shift focus for myself while I am doing Crossfit workouts.  I go light and work on speed during the crazy "open style" work outs.  I'm sticking close to form, going slow over all, and figuring out how something can help me throw better. This was something I discovered during some silly timed workout with a shit load of thrusters....I didn't care about finishing fast...I broke it into manageable reps and focused on the end of the lift being super forceful.

My days of being at the top of the master's ladies is at an end and I am really ok with that. Actually, more than "ok' with it.  Frankly, it is amazing and inspiring to watch all these women age with such power.  I am in love with it really.  Not sure if that makes sense, but I really am....All I need to do is focus on my throws and some of those elusive numbers that I have been chasing for a while and enjoy the women around me....bask in your fucking glory ladies....that's my job this year!

WOB....can I hit 20 this year?
Light hammer....Please oh please 90....
Heavy Weight....50 with the 21(not realistic...48 maybe) 40 with the 28
Light weight...70 (giggle)
Heavy hammer....75??

These aren't HUGE gains from my bests from last year, and are nowhere near where lots of the masters ladies will be throwing this year....but some are goals I have had for a while, some are new based on my numbers from last year. As BJ reminded me...You have to start throwing more....so I am...I am faking it right now...but I have a promise to myself that I will throw Tuesday and Thursday again....Even if it is just 20 minutes alone in the park with a stone.  Unless of course the weather sucks...so my idea for sucky weather days, like today...I hit the gym, warm up...do drills....

That was my lunch.

Stone drills with a med ball, hammer winds, and a tiny bit of WFD line drills.

Thankfully, BJ keeps putting up with me....and he understood what I was doing...

As for forgivness...I still can't write about it yet, but I came across this quote on the interwebs~

"I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded; not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with the pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night."  ~Khaled Hosseini

As for why I am having trouble writing....confession time.  

I am afraid.

Yeah, I am still afraid.

I think that's why I can be an asshole sometimes too...misdirected fear.

oh well...

Here is a cat.

Or wait...this...

I'll get there...First step is probably having figured out that I am still feeling what I am feeling....as Dumbledore said in Harry Potter, “Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”

a rare animal

It's rare, but it happens.


I left the gym even more pissed off than when I got there.


No one's fault but mine and the voices that still chatter ugly things.


Bottom line....it would be a perfect day to quit.

but I won't.

hands

I realized that I have not updated my issue with my hands on here...I did work with Paul and as Paul does, he gave me lots of homework. 

I keep doing the homework because it is working.

SERIOUSLY working. 

Example? Yesterdays workout:

Snatch off the blocks 8×1 (max)
superset with
8x double leg zig zag start to sprint (ugh)
5x
Farmer’s walk down and back (heavy)
Bear Crawl down and back
Handstand walk down (or a handstand hold 30 seconds)
Double leg zig-zag bound back
1 rope climb

All of this stuff with my wrists in a flexed position would have killed me a month and a half ago...but I did my homework before I hit the gym and lo and behold....hands are ok.

As for my work on this workout? 

Sigh....

My shoulder isn't happy so snatches stayed at 75.  

It took me three rounds to get my butt up on the wall, but the last 2 rounds I actually held it! 

I actually got most of the way up the rope on the third round!

The funny thing was...BJ was really pushing folks for the heavy in "heavy farmers walk".  The most I had done before was 65, so I chose 75...did the first round...was heavy!

On my way back from the rope, I got the dumb bells and started walkin'...they were heavy heavy, I just chalked it up to the rope climb and bear crawls.   I put them down and well....I had grabbed someone's 95's. 

Yikes.

Dummy.

I asked Megan what she would do....she gave a sly look and said use the 95 until you can't. Did the final 4 rounds with the 95.

Again....walked in knowing I could never use the 95's for a farmers walk....walked out happy and sore as hell. I've also got cool bruises on my wrists. 

Trying to get back to throwing....played with blades....just no....mojo.


Strong man doo~dad in Durango this weekend.  I am looking forward to watching Sara  and Chuck...and looking forward to meeting some new folks. 

arms

 A couple of weeks ago at the gym, Brittany grabbed my arm as I was leaving and she made a comment about how nice it is to touch a woman's arm and not feel bone.  I laughed and said something like I have always had HUGE arms.... but not muscular.  Shit my arms are really big now, but still no real "definition".  That encounter made me start thinking about my arms~a lot...there is some real mass there and it is true, I used to be able to "feel bone" beneath the flab...I can't anymore.

Then, a few nights ago, I was organizing and cleaning some boxes from the last time I moved (yeah , I know) and I came across lots of really old photos of me in my late teens and early twenties.

Holy Crap....

Ok Yea, I know we were all young once, but really?  Look at my arm in the above photo....I wish I could slap my 20 year old self because at this point in my life I really thought I was fat. No. No. No, not slap, she needs a hug, she needs compassion and love. 

My body never bounced back after I had kids and I really did get fat...and soft....but I eventually found my way to Crossfit (bless you Rod Harrison) and then the games.

I am not kidding...This arm is what I was referring to with Brittany as "always have had HUGE arms."  I have never liked to see myself in photos, in mirrors....Looking at this and looking at me now I wonder just how body dysmorphic I was....or am.

This is me now...

Now that is a big arm....really, it is, and that's ok..I mean...honestly, it SHOULD be ok...I really like what my arms help me do and that should be enough. Not just the big lifting stuff either...or throwing, but the love that can be expressed by a hug, a caress...or the work that gets done...or the holding of a child, a friend...the making of a fire...the cooking of meals.

 

I wish I could have known at 22 that I actually feel better 80 pounds heavier. Yeah, I just typed that...In the earlier photos I wasn't even at my lightest, there was a point in Grad school that I got down to 140....and I STILL thought I was fat....I am chubby now, but I am working on the language stuff....and really, I prefer the photo below to the ones at the top of the blog.   I don't really wanna look like that again, but I would like to be able to LOOK at myself...because honestly, I don't...not in photos, or in the mirror.

I hate mirrors.....

Maybe my New Years Resolution should be to look in the dang mirror once a day.....

Clueless

Haven't written in a long while....holidays, New Years pressures, and a bunch of annoying medical stuff.

Well, I have no resolutions for 2015....and the biopsy on my leg came back clear even if it did mess up my lifting for three weeks because of the annoying little hole it left in my leg. 

My cholesterol is high though.....lipids are low, good cholesterol is in a good range, the bad is just bad....not sure what to do....tweek the food again.....adding fish oil.  I have also been feeling kinda crappy....physically...I am just feeling wrong....too hot all the time...oh yea. Guess what that is....have had a few heart things showing up again...blah blah blah.

I'll just blame stress....easy.  Everyone has stress.  :)

I am really working on not looking back, but during the time of year when the whole culture is looking back it is hard not to. It was an odd year, I hate to say it was terrible because there was so much amazing throughout the year.....much more love, joy, giggles, did I say love than I ever thought possible. 

I am missing acting...I am missing my mojo too...I am lifting and I am really grooving on BJ's program.  Although.....

Enough pull-ups!

I haven't had something drain my confidence so thoroughly as all of these pull ups...cause yeah....I can do about .3 of a pull up.  But I get why he is having us do this-in my head. I really do....I just.....UGH.

Been reading so many things on line about workouts, some by people I know, some are things people post.  I am really impressed by people's knowledge.  Really being clear about what works, what doesn't....makes me realize how little I know about what I am doing.  

Which is fine. I mean part of it is my personality, how I see the world. I have very few things that I take a "hard" stance on.  Even things I really believe in....I can see the flip side...or more accurately I can see the complicated nature of it. This isn't bad or good; I mean it has hurt me, but it doesn't always.  When it comes to working out....I get information overload.  So many people who I respect have so many differing and very strongly held opinions...I know I could learn more, especially about physiology, but frankly, I choose not to put my energy there.  

Will that hurt me in the long run? Who knows.  Right now, I choose to put my training in BJ and Will's and Grant's and Chuck's hands.  I am lucky if I can carve out the hour a day to work out....

I am never gonna be super sure of anything I do on the field or in the gym or that I write about even....all I hope for is to be a coach-able athlete. 

I'll leave the absolutes to people far better than I. 

Coach-able....

That's the best I have to give.