arms

 A couple of weeks ago at the gym, Brittany grabbed my arm as I was leaving and she made a comment about how nice it is to touch a woman's arm and not feel bone.  I laughed and said something like I have always had HUGE arms.... but not muscular.  Shit my arms are really big now, but still no real "definition".  That encounter made me start thinking about my arms~a lot...there is some real mass there and it is true, I used to be able to "feel bone" beneath the flab...I can't anymore.

Then, a few nights ago, I was organizing and cleaning some boxes from the last time I moved (yeah , I know) and I came across lots of really old photos of me in my late teens and early twenties.

Holy Crap....

Ok Yea, I know we were all young once, but really?  Look at my arm in the above photo....I wish I could slap my 20 year old self because at this point in my life I really thought I was fat. No. No. No, not slap, she needs a hug, she needs compassion and love. 

My body never bounced back after I had kids and I really did get fat...and soft....but I eventually found my way to Crossfit (bless you Rod Harrison) and then the games.

I am not kidding...This arm is what I was referring to with Brittany as "always have had HUGE arms."  I have never liked to see myself in photos, in mirrors....Looking at this and looking at me now I wonder just how body dysmorphic I was....or am.

This is me now...

Now that is a big arm....really, it is, and that's ok..I mean...honestly, it SHOULD be ok...I really like what my arms help me do and that should be enough. Not just the big lifting stuff either...or throwing, but the love that can be expressed by a hug, a caress...or the work that gets done...or the holding of a child, a friend...the making of a fire...the cooking of meals.

 

I wish I could have known at 22 that I actually feel better 80 pounds heavier. Yeah, I just typed that...In the earlier photos I wasn't even at my lightest, there was a point in Grad school that I got down to 140....and I STILL thought I was fat....I am chubby now, but I am working on the language stuff....and really, I prefer the photo below to the ones at the top of the blog.   I don't really wanna look like that again, but I would like to be able to LOOK at myself...because honestly, I don't...not in photos, or in the mirror.

I hate mirrors.....

Maybe my New Years Resolution should be to look in the dang mirror once a day.....