Letters.

 About 2 weeks ago I went out to get the mail. Flippin through the tiny stack, I see a hand written address. I look at the return address and it is from my gym.  Oh my.  Hilarious that my first thought was, "oh no, what did I do?"  

I used to say this all of the time when BJ was training me as well....I was just waiting for the last stupid or weird thing I did that would make him want to find a new place to train. Now it has just become a weird thing I say all the time. 

Since moving over to Elevate, I don't say it all the time; but I do think it sometimes.

I really love the work that is done over there.  I love watching the coaches with others and I love what they have done with me. Honestly, working with my coach on goals has been super helpful...I even met a few of my throwing goals this past season...I have seen lots of the posts for athletes that work with the coaches at Elevate and it is great to see both the breadth and depth of the athletes they train.

The level of work that this organization does is kinda mind boggling.  Remember I wrote a while back about the physical mobility testing they did on me?  Well, the gym posted recently that a team of them were doing the same assessments on the team at Brooks Beasts Running....yea....prepping runners for Paris 2024.

The list of athletes they work with is pretty impressive.

But, the work that I see them do with people post surgery, heck, pre surgery too...and kids....and old folks like me....that is even more impressive.

Made me feel like, something switch in me recently, like....I need to be giving back as much as they are willing to throw at me.  I have really been struggling with staying or becoming focused...or whatever....probably like lots of people since say...oh ....2020.  I mean, I work hard in the gym, I do....and maybe that isn't gonna change, but something in my tiny brain has been shifting in the last few weeks.  I have a suspicion that a lot of the shift is due to that assessment and the planning I did with Johnny and Adrian.

I think back to the day I went in for my first meeting there.  I still sorta feel sorry that Johnny got stuck with me, I mean I am happy with being coached by him.....I just know I am a pain in the ass.  I mean I was sooooo guarded and a crabby old bitch the day I met him.  What a good sport.

 I do have fewer athletic goals this year, as I am working with Theater Grotessco on a piece and trying to look at whether or not we can work on MBT again...so fewer throwing goals...but I have pretty clear physical goals anyway...and this switch that has happened, will help.  I know that what I am looking for this year is being more present in my body, focusing on mobility and really listening to what makes me feel healthy.

Anyway....what was the point of this blog today?  

I dunno....I just wanted to give a shout out to my gym and my coaches....they rock.

Elevate

Weird year

Hhmmmmm, so, a recap?  What was my year like?  Throwing and training only please...PULEASE...

 

I trained so much for strength in the "off season."  I always have thought this is the way. It sorta is...I know, I know, I am doing something different this year. Y'all ready know this.  But this year...I did pull a lifetime dead at 435....Part of me wants to keep on that...but I know it isn't what I need right now.

I will admit, I had some huge goals for myself this year.  My season started off pretty strong too.  The coolest thing being a personal record on sheaf...But even in Phoenix...I pushed out my heavy weight further than I had in quite some time, mainly out of spite; but that was a me problem...  😁

So I prepped this year and wanted some things, was headed toward those things...then....well,

Stuff.

Trying to throw and help Grant run Rio Grande put throwing, well...on the back burner.  I was trying to keep up with social media stuff, which was new for me....as well as all sorts of details behind the scenes, including some hostile moves from, well not completely unexpected places...SO, once we wrapped things up, we were focused on Norway....lucky us!!

Thinking I need a game before Norway, we head to Cheyenne.  A bit of a loooong drive, but I am glad we finally got up there.  But what did I do in Cheyenne?  Right...I wanted to get that 28 on sheaf..so badly, that I hurt my back.  I really did a number on it.

Worked as hard as I could (and spent all our spending money) on PT and massage leading up to Norway. Traveled with a nasty back.  Throwing was painful in Norway....but I spent more of our travel money on massage there as well....My back finally eased up a little.  The final day wasn't spent in tears.  

But in Norway, a new theme emerged for the season.  

People talking shit about me.

You'd think at 55, that this shit would roll right off my ass....but my dear friends...it did not.  I am not sure if it was just my head space or just work I still needed to do coming to slap me in the face, but there it was. In this lovely space, this peaceful field that I have a huge soft spot for; someone within ear shot, laughing at me and saying...full voice..."you aren't ever gonna be as good as.....(blah blah blah)".  While I know that doesn't matter, because I am there to throw for me...it stung this time in a way I cannot explain. Hearing those disparaging remarks plastered against the background of this place I have given too much emotional investment to perhaps....kinda let myself get cracked by that a bit.  

Let myself hear old voices that are not mine in my headspace again.

I worked at letting it go before it ruined my brain for the rest of the season....then Grant and I got to go to Maine for a new game and to hang out with some awesome people...but honestly, I was struggling HARD with imposter syndrome. But I had Pleasanton coming after Maine.

And you KNOW how I feel about that game, the people there, the throwers and friends.

So, some sort of lesson here, because it happened AGAIN. The difference being, the people talking about me didn't SEE me right away as they were disparaging my fatness and my skill as a thrower.  In Norway, the dude was kinda yelling it out for me to hear.  It made it harder to hear too, since it was a couple of female throwers.

Honestly....for a good two or so weeks....I felt that I was done.  That this was not the kind of atmosphere I wanted to throw in.  Things change; no biggie...time to be done.

But, we went back to Prescott, cause I was already signed up (I did NOT wanna go). So glad we did, not sure why we've been missing this one...

And more than that...I let go.  

People talk, people blow off steam, people vent.  I don't have to be liked and I don't have to take what was probably someone just expressing frustration, personally. (I also don't need to try to be friends with this person either 😉)

Something else I lost this year was my 2 turn on weights....like WHAT?  But that's just practice and a lack of confidence and letting things get to me.

So, I certainly didn't expect that sort of season, but that's what it was....and I am still the luckiest, crabby ole fat bitch you probably know.

2024?  What's coming? Who the heck knows....

What do athletic goals look like as I see a very busy 2024 for myself as an actor, at least in the first half of the year. What I do know; is the plan is changing focus from prior off seasons, mobility, yoga, speed, joy, aging...letting go and asking for more help...

Enjoying what I can while I can....

Photos

 Been thinking about this one for a bit...me & my issue with seeing photos of my self...

It has pretty much always been an issue for me....even when I was young and more "conventionally" attractive....um...let's be honest...thin and young. But you see....I was always convinced I was 'fat" no matter what I actually weighed. Frankly, in the 80's being as tall as I am, I was called "big." And not for being a big & strong old bitch like I am now....

The last few years...I have gotten older (expected) and bigger too....I have given up the restrictive shit and focus on learning to really listen to what I want as well as how I feel when I eat.  I have found out somethings about how I feel when I add or limit certain foods.  It's been a process and I am still working on it.

 So enough sorta exposition.  

Why am I so shocked when I see photos of myself?  I clearly live in this body, right?  I know how fat I am..."fat" is no longer anything other than a descriptive word...like my hair is short...or that I am tall.

Then I heard someone on a podcast talking about seeing a photo of herself and being shocked because she "felt skinny."

What?

Oh....shit....there is some cultural baggage to unpack here.

What did we learn in the 80's, 90's, and beyond? "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." What are the secondary characteristics that we attach to "fatness."

Hence, the "I feel skinny." comment....and I felt that hit me in the face....

All those things that I was promised would happen if I shrank myself to an acceptable societal level....I would find love, I would have better sex, I could be more successful, I could move easily, I would be accepted, I could be a better athlete, I could be a real actor......

I have lots of them in a fat body...and in fact I never had much of them in a smaller body. So, the things I feel, experience etc are associated with "thinness," but I am not...that is why I think I feel some surprise...at least I am stealing this from this woman I was listening to...and no...I cannot freaking remember what podcast it was. (figures, right?)

So the work continues....and I continue to put off writing when I should just write....  😉

Maine, Goals, and flying kayaks.

 Sooooooooooooo,  Pleasanton this weekend!

Are you excited?  Yes

Are you ready?    No

What does ready mean?  Do I know?

Are you ready to throw?   Sure.

Are you ready to kick ass?  Um, no, not really...

I thought you were ready to throw?  Oh I am, I mean I am gonna throw so that makes me ready.  Am I gonna "throw my best"? Am I gonna "rock it" (what ever that means?)  Probably not.

Or maybe I am...'cause I am where I am.  My body feels how it feels.  I did what ever training I did and I can't do more at this point. Do I wish I had thrown "more"?  Come on after reading this silly blog for as long as you have you already know the answer...Of course I do, but I prepped how I prepped. 

Recently, my coach and one of the other coaches at my gym ran me through a series of tests...mobility type things...it was super informative. And frankly, that's all I have been doing the last three weeks.  Mobility and yoga and some limited drills. And have you ever worked on the inward rotation of your hip?  Let's just say mine sucks...and not just a little. It's what I've chosen to focus on.

AND then there is the game in Maine....I prob should have written about this sooner...but holy moly.

The one of the most challenging fields I have ever thrown on.  If you stood still too long, your feet started to sink and get covered with water.  Seriously. I know those of you coming back from Worlds experienced the same stuff!

The lesson AGAIN....do what you can.  I slowed way down, went to single turns on weights...was super careful with caber.  OHHHHH  caber....we had a thrower who had her caber stick....yes stick...straight into the ground and just stand there for probably 5 full seconds....while we all stared...while she turned and looked at us and asked if it was moving...then it finally fell.  Probably stuck in like 4 inches.

I realized how much attention I was paying to the ground...good thing for me to do...like always. What's the foundation you are building from, on anything...throwing, acting, anything.

Threw with a bunch of ladies I have never throw with before...they were amazing.  

The phrase for the game was: No boo boos, have fun!! Highland Games!!!

Sheaf...was a heavy heavy wet bag....Maximum effort for all of us at 18 feet...OOOOOF.

 I know I got great lesson last year in Pleasanton about heat...so, I take these "ground" lessons with me to P-Town.

I also get to watch women's worlds a little from where ever I am on the field.  SQUEEEE!

There is definitely a shift happening for me. My dear friend Donna would laugh at me....but I am feeling my age in a different way this year.  I am taking longer to recover and I don't feel as strong.  I think I have allowed some of this to affect my joy on the field.  Now that I have had this thought...it's time to bring some of that focus on my surroundings on the field to my inner self, my energy as well.  

As always...this sport has been about self competition...where am I? How can I be better...but it has also brought out the competitor in me....I need to be more thoughtful about that...return to quiet internal goals and to the joy of being around people who are pushing themselves can bring. How can I be the best me in this moment, how can I be a decent 55+ thrower without...damage...HA.

Time to work on something I spoke with the coaches at Elevate about..."How can I be the best that I can be....and not compare myself to the "younger" masters athletes?" After all...these amazing ladies are often 15 years younger than I am. That is real...and significant.  

How can I age in a way that hopefully prepares me to care for myself when I am 80? That's why we are working on my silly joints...and my mobility...and strength too...but I am feeling like the days of pushing for the maxes might be better left where they are.  Funny that I picked up yoga almost 2 years ago too, isn't it?

As for the last part of the title of this blog...yes, I was on the highway and a kayak flew off another car and hit mine.  I am fine...a little shook...and the car needs some work...but yea.

A flying kayak.

Thank god for body workers!

See ya in Pleasanton...and see you when we get back!

Little post it notes. Little obsessions.

 Oooof,  this is gonna be weird and wild and probably a complete jumble.

Here I go....what the hell is that photo is probably the first question. Well, it is sorta a symbol of how I can obsess.  I make excel spread sheets and have little post it notes all over my computer, and I also make a list on a special little tablet; all of this to keep track of a debt I have been working to pay off since 2016.

Redundant much?  Yes.  Like I would forget to make my little consistent payments if I didn't have these notes? 

This photo represents almost 7 years of post it notes...not always green or blue.  I have gone through the rainbow on these.  Anyway....why I am telling you this?

I was coming close to the end of this little obsessive project of mine when I realized that instead of all the little payments over the next 6 weeks or so, that I could instead tear the fucking band aid off now. That I actually had the ability to just be done with this piece of things.  This debt that has felt like way more than a debt for so long. Please don't get me wrong...I have never regretted the purpose of this debt...never...but for those of you who know me well...there are all the other painful pieces that were attached...

I submitted the last payment today.  I may have cried a little.

I have had a lot of people tell me that I will feel like a weight has been lifted....I can't say I feel that yet.  I kinda wanna see the big fat 0 on the screen when I log in.  Also....and this is fucking awful...

What the fuck...what now, how, who am I...huh? How did paying this debt become such a huge piece of my identity.

Fucking Gross.

But I know I let that happen because of my pain...and that I allowed someone else to help set that tone...that tone of  "that is all I was good for anyway." That no one really cared what I could do for them unless it was to pay...

And some of that will never go away.  But the huge difference is I know I have a choice...and I know now that I also had a choice and made that choice all those years ago because it was, at the core, what I WANTED TO DO.

So now what?

All the tracking, all the post it notes feel like old friends. I just need some time for this to settle....I start thinking about all the things we should be doing, ways in which to help, how to lay it all out, and I start to feel manic.

I need to put the planning down for a moment.

Maybe for the rest of the year, just to let this settle and sink in.  

Not sure I am capable of doing it...but I am guessing it's the best thing I could do.

Oh and I am going to Maine next week...WHAT?

More on that later...

Shifting Shifting

 Wow, I have been super duper consistent writing this year.

2 whole blogs written this year.  It's been a weird year so far.

Oh well, I think it has been for everyone.  

As for throwin', I started strong this year.  Decent form, a PR on sheaf....I have sorta fizzled now.  My workouts have fallen off a bit....my focus has been else where....got an offer to work on a new theater piece, started a group therapy thing, was helping Grant with Games AD stuff, Emery moved out on his own (with roommates! Whoot), and some weird shit with people super dumping shit on me that wasn't all mine. Oh and work has been....hair on fire kinda shit.

This is gonna be a huge transition year for me, I kinda new that going in...and it is showing up everywhere.

Lots of focus on trying to heal some shit around food....which, yea, I know I have talked about in here for a while, but I am....Struggling....still....and I don't feel like I have any coherent thoughts to even write down.

Any way...what the hell is my point? I dunno.  I like keeping up my blog and perhaps I need to focus it again on my gym and throwing goals.

So...I threw in Cheyenne this weekend.  And well, as I texted a few friends this weekend...you get out of things what you put into them...sometimes... Sometimes we can train very hard and it doesn't really show (yet) and sometimes we can take a big break and it turns out that is just what we need to lift or throw well.

Ok...so how'd ya throw Mona...eh...not so great.  But I tried to stay focused on form.  BUT....then I hurt my back...on sheaf....pulling too hard....cause I wanted "something" instead of what?  what was that? FOCUSING ON FORM.

Finally had a decent Light Weight...and yes...for my new age group...it was a tiny bit past the record.  Which, is freaking cool...and let's remember...records get broken...they are supposed to...that's why it's cool.  In fact that sheaf record I set in Vegas is back in the hands of the best women's 50+ master out there.  Congrats Teresa!  I saw the video...it was sweet.

One of the best parts of the weekend was watching my friends Linda and Edie come back to the games.  Edie has a new hip and man oh man...is she BACK! It was great to watch.

What is my point?  

I focused my early part of the year on the wrong things...I need to go back to MY goals, as I said....records are indeed....awesome to set, but personal records and goals...that is where I need to be....which I should and will (??) start posting here more.  

The other, and really most important thing was some thing I wrote about the phoenix game and the crowd engagement.  That is the real shit there...

And this weekend....oh man....we had the most awesome families watching us.  I kept bringing weights out into the crowd for people to hold (don't tell Ryan!) and going over caber rules and all sorts of fun stuff.  Then there was a little boy who was asking questions...was interested in holding a hammer...he then asked me my name.  He then started calling me Miss Mona.  Oh my...he was like 6 years old and was wearing a Bat Man shirt...I asked him his name, and then said, "wait, don't tell me..it's Bruce Wayne, right?"  His eyes got huge...he started talking about batman and all the work he does.  Then he looked down...and started to giggle.

It made my damn day.  The shit throws, the shooting pain in my back...none of it mattered in that moment.  

And then...they followed me around and were my cheering section.  Pain or not, I would turn and wave with a big stupid smile on my face...cause those little kids were all that mattered in that moment...I don't wanna get sucked into thinking that doesn't really serve me...or even serve the games really.

That is the shit right there...that's it.  

Personal goals and making memories. 

shhhh

 

 secrets

We all have secrets....that much I know....we all do.  Back in 2005 my friend Rod introduced me to Post Secret.

 

 Post Secret

I open this web site every Sunday...EVERY SUNDAY...and read secrets. I really think I have done this now for 18 years.  

Sometimes these are silly, sometimes heart breaking. 

But our secrets...I guess the same.  We have things we keep silent about that are silly or no big deal and...yea, they may or may not be heart breaking.  

I have never sent a postcard....but I have my secrets. I realize we all have of lots of things we never say, but they go away or don't mean much, but I think there are some secrets that weigh on us.  That's part of why people send their secrets to this site.  

Recently, I shared something I have never spoken aloud....I have indeed spoken in general terms about some of the things that happened to me as a child...but the details or some of them have just sat in my brain and even in my body since I was about 8. Well, on a road trip, Grant asked me a rather pointed question, and as is the way some times....I answered...but he asked a little more....and well, out some of it came.

It felt...odd...disturbing.... in how calmly I said certain things that I had previously KNOWN that if I spoke aloud my world would crumble.  Instead; I felt, as happens sometimes...a weight lifted from somewhere off myself. And, as no surprise to me, Grant just listened. Asked some questions, did not freak out or jump out of the truck...hahaha. There is something to sharing in a moving vehicle though, isn't there...you don't have to look directly at someone.  I know when the kids were younger, that is often when they would share the hard stuff.

Then.....oh my.....a few weeks later we were with some other folks and a conversation started about micro dosing mushrooms and why someone might benefit...and my panic went to 11.  I looked at this man who I had just told something I had never shared and was sure he was gonna drop it on the floor in front of other people.  I was sure that the "world would crumble." 

I felt bad later.  Truly.  When we left he knew...He could see it on my face probably. The fear, the lack of trust....but he didn't drop that shit on the floor.  He assured me he never would.  And I know that to be true.

Now.

But I didn't for that moment. 

I am pretty sure we have experienced a moment when someone lets something fly they didn't know was meant just for them, or worse (much worse) our secrets are used as a weapon against us.

So what is your point Mona?

I dunno.

I have started this blog a few times and I cannot remember my original intent.

I just feel grateful...for Post Secret, for finally feeling safe enough to let go of a "secret" I have held since I was 8, for the release that I feel in speaking it, and for the space that I was given in which to speak it.

Hopefully, you have that too.

Phoenix Highlights and something that is hard to share....

 

Phoenix Highlights and something that is hard to share....

I fell far far off the blogging habit...oh well. I had tried to work on a post about secrets and I just fell in a deep hole.  

Worried this one may do the same.

 

Had my first game of the season this past weekend.  The more seasoned ladies threw on Sunday, which meant I got to watch some of the Pro women throw...and some top level A's.  That is always a treat.  I mean I prefer throwing on Saturday, but  it was so fun to watch them throw. 

We started on caber...I freaking love caber.  The stick wasn't heavy, but she was long.  16' 6". I turned her 3 times with two of them being 12s.  Then stone...I've been working stone...but clearly not enough...I still, after all these years, don't get my hip around enough. But for a season starter...25+ and 30+ on open.  

Yuck.

Then, weight for distance....to say I was nervous was like a major understatement. This is the event in Aztec that finished tearing up my knee.  SO, first heavy...tentative, yes...did it hurt? no. I tried adding a little umph on throw number 2, got a little further...added a little more gas on number 3...47' 4.5...what what?

I asked them to hold the tape, cause I though that the record might be 47 10 or something...I was grateful the ladies didn't mind nor did Tom...turns out the record was 46+...so, yea...if everything weighs in and IF they take it, I may have set a record in my first game of the year.

But those of you who know me....know that for some reason....some stuff gets...buried, forgotten, or whatever.  So, all I know is that is what I threw and hopefully I can build on it.

Sadly...it got me a little excited for light weight...I got close but I wanted it too much and I messed up that one.  Again though, I got over 60, which I have been struggling with.  Grant thinks I am not "feeling the weight" on the back part of the swing.  I also saw from a photo that I need to get that hip further around.  

I have issues with my hip.  I have some nerve damage on the left side that perhaps never healed...I mean I was told it was "permanent" but I like to ignore those kinds of comments.

Hammer made me super sad.  I had such a great year last year on hammer...winding up for my firs throw...it feels good...I lose it into the cage..and strain my pec.  So...I never did settle down so hammers were sucky.

Then height....it was fun...really fun....it was all about the crowd.  I had some great throws but it didn't feel right to just push and go up...the old ladies really worked the crowd.  On WOB we had a couple of officers join us...and it was just fun.  There were people yelling..."I bet you can't get that...if you do I'll buy you a beer." And it was just right, you know...we are entertainment.  

I mean I know we have goals...but the crowd...that's what it is all about...(that dude did bring me a beer, so kudos to him for following through.) We had people hi fiving us and yelling and taking photos with us. 

That's the fucking gold right there....

So, I "have work to do," but more importantly; we have crowds to entertain!

Now for this crap that's been in my shitty brain for a bit.

It's early spring, so you know what that means? 

It's  Before and After season!

Sigh.

 First...lemme be clear...You do you.  If this makes ya happy go for it.  If you are super proud and wanna show off weight loss...GO FOR IT....

As for me, I am trying to unlearn some shit and for ME...I need to heal my relationship with food.  

And I don't mean that lightly.  I could write a whole lot about the things I learned as a kid, all the ways to hate my body, that I used food to feel in some sort of control since I was 3 or 4. But I won't go into it all here....just know I have been on and off and on diets or some such thing since I WAS 3 or 4...and was hospitalized for not eating at 4 years old and in my teens and early 20's I would play a game of "how long can I not eat food."   

That being said...I did this shit to myself well into my 50's....so here is my before and after photo.

 

Oh she looks great in that first photo doesn't she....I bet you might praise her for losing weight...and dang that second shot...well...she's let herself go.

Know the truth here?  That joy in the second photo was impossible for the woman in the first photo. I was working out 6 days a week...not in a joy filled way but as punishingly as possible. I had cut out gains, dairy, beans, most fruit.  I was dealing with suicidal thoughts around the time of that first photo, I was being belittled nearly daily, and I was often afraid of going home.

So what's healthier?

So what would you praise?

I dunno...I know I'm fat in that second photo...but I am more me than I have ever been...I love working out because I love to move and to build strength, not so I can be as small as possible....I eat and despite what someone who doesn't know me might think...I eat a shit ton of good for me food...both good nutrition and things that make me happy. I screwed with my metabolism for a very long time and I am working on fixing it....which means eating, not dieting.

I may always be a fat girl now because of all the years of dieting, but you know what? If I keep finding joy....so be it.

It's my joy Before and After.....